Navy Seal Sniper teleported into Equestria by unknown methods and is found by none other than Luna the Princess of Night herself when she goes in her bedroom. She finds our hero bleeding but thinks to keep him hidden. Will Luna find love in our hero? Will our hero find love in the Princess of Night? How will Lance deal with the wrath of Celestia? How will the wedding be saved by our hero? WHY AM I ASKING ALL THESE QUESTIONS? WAIT!?!? I am not giving the answer to you read and find out yourself lazypants.
Chapters (4)
That chapter length tho. jesus christ. That can all honestly just be one chapter. Barely.
>MiE
>Grammar errors up the wazoo
>Less than 1000 word chapters
>HumanxLuna shipping
>Sex tag
>Misspelled Prologue
You must be new here.
Here's my critique:
I refuse to put more effort into it than you did with this story
I am new here
Who makes the .50 in your sniper pix?
You need to add dillog to build up to make lance more than a gard add to his character. Make him ask question about how magic works and equestria and make Luna ask about his world and his guns. Give lance an internal struggle such as PTSD. And make the story have an end game like maybe a couple days after Do princes dream of magic sheep.
WOW THAT IS AN AWSOME IDEA
Your welcome
Also touch a little up on Luna's internal struggles and other pony perception of lance.
Oh. It's one of these stories.
I'll be watching this story, but this needs massive help. I suggest finding an editor, and even some beta readers. Hell if you haven't already put this up on fanfiction and see what they come up with.
For the love of god, please make a snipers loadout at least SOMEWHAT resemble some level of reality! A sniper would carry his sniper rifle, a backup M4 is reasonable, MAYBE a pistol. He MIGHT have one or two frags at the most, no flash, no concussion (which would be redundant if he had flashbangs), no semtex, NO ONE would carry 5 tomahawks. NO ONE would carry 5 med kits (not a video game), and no soldier ever carried 10 MRE's, much less a sniper. More like 1 or 2 at the most. Snipers are light, mobile and stealthy, not clanking, lumbering tanks that would make more noise than an entire platoon. Not to mention, a loadout of the weapons, gear, and ammo for said weapons you mentioned would weight about 100lbs. Not going to happen.
As someone actually in the military... The gear list is hard to believe. First off, this isn't COD. Nobody runs around with twenty grenades and dual desert eagles. A tomahawk can be a viable weapon at times, but there's no reason to carry more than two, (one to swing, one to throw.) There's almost no way you'd be able to move around easily with that much equipment. And as far as I know, he has no means to carry it all. I mean, Cargo pockets are big, but they ain't that big. Even if he had an ILBE pack to stuff all of it in, (which, considering what he was doing prior, I doubt he would be.) he wouldn't be able to move around that quickly. There's also no such thing as "custom camo." As a matter of fact, you rarely get camo on your weapons at all, unless it's a ghillie netting. Even then, It ain't custom. What, he got a high enough killstreak to earn diamond camo? Another thing. They're not "first aid kits." That the blue box you see at home with band-aids and ointment. It's called an IFAK. Individual First Aid Kit. Which are used for treating various wounds ranging from gunshot wounds to amputation. A bandaid ain't gonna fix that. There's no way some dude is going to carry this much gear and ammo on him and still be able to move and shoot. It's not gonna happen.
Ow! That chapter length! It burns!
6926163 Simple tip: If you want to respond to someone's comment, look for said comment, click on double arrow icon in top right corner, type. Thus the other person will know you replied to them. I made the same mistake early on.
6946973 Thank you for the tip
When is the next chapter coming out
Yeah this could be really good if you could find an editor or possible a cowriter. And you don't need the MLP copy write tag, the site has the whole thing covered. Anyway, do a little bit of research, add some more detail. Describe things, details of buildings/ areas, and if you can add more questioning about certain things, like magic, you can make the chapters longer. Like I said, this could be great, you could just use a little help. There are plenty of groups that are dedicated to helping.
Holy shit this guy is ready to fuck shit up... Excuse my language.
Thumbs up for the interactive description alone!
now there was a chapter mate
Thanks
I can't get over the video
7122061 Hi, Here is a Private Message I Just Sent to you today Celebrating the February 17th 2017 Release of Halo Wars 2...http://www.fimfiction.net/manage_user/messages/9024594
with thanks and Dearest Regards,
From Your Biggest Fan of All Time Ever in the history of all of Reality,
Shane W.L. Nokes aka James S.K. Plasma aka Dark-Pulse/Darkimus-Primal
7122061 Here is Another Private Message I Sent to you today Showing My Thanks for Accepting My Story Idea Suggestions...http://www.fimfiction.net/manage_user/messages/9026912
Hi, Here is a Private Message I Sent to you today Regarding More Info on the 1st of the 6 Epic Story Suggestions that I Highly Recommend for you to make...http://www.fimfiction.net/manage_user/messages/9058800
with thanks,
From Your Biggest Fan of all Time Ever,
Shane W.L. Nokes aka James S.K. Plasma
7122061 http://www.fimfiction.net/manage_user/messages/9063696
7122061 http://www.fimfiction.net/manage_user/messages/9076648
This is just eating at me so i have to point this out.
ACOG, i can see.
Supressor, i can see.
Foregrip, i can see.
Select fire, standard issue.
Camo, for a sniper, yes.
Adjustable stock, good option.
Grenade launcher for a sniper, team of two for spotter... debatable.
To big, to heavy, round is impracticable, standard issue nowhere, overall useless weapon in war. Let alone two plus ammo.
Belt and maybe smaller boot.
For a sniper... 3 at most even that's pushing it.
Same as frags...
No sense when you have flash. count same as frags
Not real let alone standard issue.
Grenades overall? A sniper would be working with a small squad or a spotter and is generally not the first person to enter a room or building.
To the extent of my knowledge no one has carried a hawk since 'Nam. Who would carry five anyway? It's not like he'd throw it and if he did the chance of it sticking and killing is lacking.
Even though there are suppressors for .50 cals they have a very short life span and are not standard issue for a weapon of that caliber. Heavy scope duh, bi-pod built in, camo... not really since barrettes are used for over-watching bases or other important areas where moving is minimal. Adjustable stock... no, for a weapon like this, an adjustable stock would rip your arm off. I've shot a Barrett, and the stock is all for the springs that take the recoil.
Standard of 1 maybe two if small.
For a day op? 3 minimal.
You need to look at the real like aspect of this. A Barrett is 30 pounds of metal, an M-4 tricked out like that is creeping up at 10 pounds. Desert eagle is up at 4 so two make it 8. If you have 20 grenades where do you keep them? Who needs 20 grenades anyway? I have one of those hawks your showing, and it is very long. So five take up a lot of space and make noise. 10 MRE's? if he was out on an over-watch mission for 3 and half days with the intention of never moving i can see. This doesn't include ammo, water, possible clothes, radio, and other more important gear.
My recommendation?
You can get away with the sniper, M-4, and knifes.
Drop the grenades, Eagles, hawks, and multiple meals and FA kits.
Barrett, M-4, Beretta 9mm or 1911, 1 combat knife, a set number of mags or every weapon, 1 first aid kit and only a few (2 or 3) Mre's
Thank you for the help I will definitely use that to help in my story
7453983 Gotta click the reply on the top right hand corner of the comment box brother. No one can see you reply unless you hit that...
7487799 Ok thank you for the suggestion
There are no sargents in the navy u fool
7758421 Sergeant is the army equivalent to petty officer second class, he choose Sergeant because it is shorter. And please, for the love of God, spell out the entire word...it makes you seem ignorant.
6925696
What's wrong with Human x Luna shipping?
7448554
lol u think he was going to wage war against a country with all the things he “supposedly” has as a sniper 😂
9685867
That was clearly the intent, since it was written down.
Why’s it cancelled?