IIcolour_Spectrum
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I'm glad you put that little AN at the start just to let us all know to put on our emotionless faces. As a result though, I find it hard to get into something like this when you just know people/ponies are gonna be dying or getting tortured left and right. The Trixie thing was a bit obvious from the death of Snips and Snails, was the first name that came into my head when we learned of the head in the bed. Also, the Twilight emotionless talking kinda grated on me. I mean, I understand it, but it seemed a bit unnecessary in my opinion anyways.
Good style of writing though, if applied to something a little happier (or at least not so grimdark) it could end up being quite a popular story. 4/5 for style 3.5/5 for the story itself.
38362 Thanks man! This was my first fanfic, so I just went for something i was comfortable with. :P
I've been writing gruesome stories since i was 10 :P (used to get lots of nightmares back then, used them for story inspiration)
Anyway thanks for the 4/5 for style and 3.5/5 for the story itself! That's a pretty good rating for something that i wrote over the weekend :D
I'm a sucker for murder mysteries and a bit of a gorehound, so make no mistake, I enjoyed your fic, but there's a lot of things that need editing...
1. First and foremost, watch your verb tense! You shift between past and present tense a lot, and that makes a jarring experience for readers. For example:
"Spike, (who was) still extremely curious and concerned [past] as to how bad it could have been [past] ignores [present] her and raises [present] the covers only to find [past] the brutally severed and bloody head of Snails"
Compare with:
"Spike was filled with concern and curiosity. In spite of Twilight's warning, he raised the covers, only to find the bloody, brutally severed head of Snails."
See what I mean?
2. There's a lot of... awkward (for lack of a better word) phrases throughout the story that could use some streamlining. Going back to the verb tense example:
"Spike, still extremely curious and concerned as to how bad it could have been(...)"
You can convey the same idea with "Spike wondered how bad it could be"
I can't really suggest any real pointers besides simply rereading and using your best judgment.
3. Try to remember that we're talking about horses, they don't have hands or arms. So be careful when you're writing actions - making the reader think about how exactly a horse is sewing (for example) breaks immersion.
4. And one last small sticking point: "Colt" is a young male horse, Old Man Apple would be a stallion.
I hope that you take my advice and do some rewriting, you've got a boatload of interesting ideas here!
38540 Ahah yeah thanks. My editor is one of my friends, she looked through it and highlighted MOST of the past present switches. That only happened because I wrote a lot of it as rough notes first, which were (for whatever reason) in present tense. Anyway, i'm glad you liked it! Now to go through and fix it all up! Thanks!
39981 Ahaha
<= best pony imo :D
What did I just read? An amazing gorefic.
What is this I don't even...
"emotional attachment to the cast of the show, or homework that has to be done by tomorrow."
Oh horse-apples, i'm screwed...
God this stuff is good. I must have more :D
282223 Thanks! But, I'm not sure when I'll feel like writing another fanfic. :|
I'll try to think of some ideas.
HOLY BUCK IS THAT A LOT OF WORDS
The Great and Powerful Trixie will see you now...
?
What. What! WHAT?! WHHHHHAAAAAAAATTTT!!!!! NO. NONONONONONONONONONO!!!! NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
NEVER!! NO! NOOOOO! NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/312/9/b/angry_trixie_by_stabzor-d4fhz4x.png
i.neoseeker.com/mgv/20339-MarioMaster02/339/1/dark_trixie_rising_by_theparagond45xx05_thumb.jpg
RAGE!! RAGGEEEE!!! NOO! YOU. DON'T. DO. THAT. TO CHAOS'S FAVORITE. CHARACTER!!!
th08.deviantart.net/fs71/PRE/f/2011/228/7/d/twilight_sparkle_no_colored_by_ricerodriguez-d46ryc1.png
THIS IS BULLSHIT! BUUUUULLLLLLLLSHIT!!!
(cough) I mean... I didn't like Trixie as a serial killer. Nope. I didn't. Um, good bye?
494342
I'm sorry! It seemed like a good idea at the time? D:
I have a song that fits perfectly!
What ingenious
Forms of torture
Does Beelzebub have for me
Pierced and punctured
Poked and prodded
By the swords of several armies
Drag me screaming to the guillotine
Hold my breath until it severs clean
Drawn and quartered
Sliced and severed
Cut my heart out make me eat it
Tared and feathered
Burnt And Blistered
Drown and strapped down to the garrote
Sharpen Objects
Deep Incisions
Strangled by snakes
Choked by serpents
Blood will boil
Cooked in oil
Until supple flesh falls from bone
Sharpen Objects
Deep Incisions
Strangled by snakes
Choked by serpents
Blood will boil
Cooked in oil
Until supple flesh falls from bone
Water torture
Locked in darkness
Let the rats feed on my body
Break my fingers
Pin my eyelids
Stretch me on the rack 'till I snap
Drag me screaming to the hanging tree
Blind my eyes so I don't have to see
Set on fire
In a pyre
Punished for thy sins committed
Dastardly Deeds
Wicked Workings
Will always come back to haunt you
Sharpen Objects
Deep Incisions
Strangled by snakes
Choked by serpents
Blood will boil
Cooked in oil
Until supple flesh falls from bone
Sharpen Objects
Deep Incisions
Strangled by snakes
Choked by serpents
Blood will boil
Cooked in oil
Until supple flesh falls from bone
I think this is a good story and knowing this is your first fimfic that you can make even better stories, I look forward to another story you made
So INTERESTING!
I wasn't expecting Trixie to come in!
Suprise for your's truly!