"...Have you ever forgotten anything? Day to day things, odds and ends and the like? How about whole hours, days or weeks? Can you even imagine what its like to not remembering anything at all? To be sure, its tragic, empty, and really sad... Not that my life was really sad, but the events of it all certainly were, and the worst part is not remembering any of it..."
She didn't have a name, at least, not one that she could remember, all she knew was life in the hospital. The excitement of her day was physical therapy, and anything in between was a constant source of pain. She couldn't remember how she acquired her injuries, all she knew was that she had been unconscious for a little over a year while her body healed from the severity of her wounds. Now she must find the means to regain her strength, and most importantly, herself.
Ooo, interesting, if a little clichè in its purpose, but he lewes to hoping your story doesn't end up like all others! I'll be waiting.
Wow, interesting start.
Wow, this is very interesting! Not finding the cutie mark, I wonder how that happened.
6887097 Please explain. ;)
6887661 Thanks so much! Hence that's the mystery. ;) At least part of...
I'm guessing this coma and amnesia aren't going to be grounded in realism or anything silly like that, presumably it's going be magic based, otherwise it would raise some awkward questions about how the pony perceived time during it, or the selection of things they can and can't remember
6888102
I'm simply saying that there are alot of amnesia stories on Fimfiction, im simply hoping that you don't turn out like those ones, because I'll admit, I like these kinds of stories a little to much.
6888125 https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AwrTccY7F61WabEA6CknnIlQ;_ylu=X3oDMTE0ODE1M2RiBGNvbG8DZ3ExBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDUFJEQkNLMV8xBHNlYwNzYw--?qid=20090713202604AAnhO1T
6888165 Ah. I'm new here and haven't had a chance to read a lot of stories, so I don't know what's considered cliche' here. Also new to the MLP universe so I've got a lot of learning to do. ^^
6888214 Well as interesting as that was, it didn't really address my point
6888458 "...otherwise it would raise some awkward questions about how the pony perceived time during it, or the selection of things they can and can't remember..." Amnesia is different per person per situation. Questions will be asked regardless, and awkwardness is a part of any "human" thought and perspective. Sure it could be magic. Sure it could be physical or emotional trauma. It could be a whole host of things, but that won't stop the questions and stories without questions aren't interesting enough if the reader already knows the answer... So... I must be missing the original intent of this statement if that explanation I sent you wasn't a broad enough explanation. Please feel free to clarify so I can understand you better. :)
6888519 Firstly I was questioning both the amnesia and the coma, the problem with the latter being the perceived passage of time, as in the story you make it sound like the character has a clear awareness of the passage of time while they're unconscious. Secondly the problem with the latter has less to do with the technicalities of amnesia (although that is obviously a concern) but how the story is written from a first person perspective, an important aspect of writing in first person (and what makes it difficult) is that the narration always reflects the character delivering it, for example if you're writing from the first person perspective of someone simple minded, you won't be using overly complicated words, in the context of your story, writing from the perspective of a character who struggles to comprehend the concept of a name, the language you're going to be writing in is bound to be extremely limited, I don't think this character is going to know what it feels like to have cotton wool in their mouths or how that is an appropriate metaphor for what they're feeling. And lastly, although I didn't even touch on this in my initial comment, your writing in most areas comes off as far too pretentious, to paraphrase Yahtzee, there's a difference between flowery writing, and writing where you could switch about all the sentences and it would make just as much or little sense.
6888639 True to the perspective. I appreciate your input. After re-reading these chapters I still am not sure how: 1) the character reflects, to you, to be simple minded 2) you believe she doesn't understand the concept of the name 3) I didn't make it clear she was aware of the passage of time. Pulling examples from my text would be greatly appreciated if and when you have the time. I would love to edit my story for it to be better understood and for it to be a more compelling read. Thanks for your time. :)
6888914 When I said simple minded, I wasn't talking about this character or even this story, I was just using that as an example for how writing in first person can limit the language you use. The bit about the name, I'm assuming I just misinterpreted what you wrote, it was the bit right after the doctors asked her name, reading it back it doesn't come across the same way it initially did. As for an example of the time thing:
It's hard to pick out individual lines as it comes back to my other point about flowery text. I wouldn't have bothered expanding on my first comment, but you seem more genuine than I had initially written off, and if you really are open to criticism and looking to improve then I hope what little feedback I gave helps.
6889004 Oh okay. I do remember reading a book that did just that, can't remember the title of it though, but I do remember it was about a simpleton who underwent a surgery that made him smarter, so as the story progressed his words were "flowery" as you put it. Great book... Wish I could remember the title so I can add it to my library...
Anyway, I digress... That sentence itself tripped me up when I wrote it, but I wasn't sure how to express the moment of realizing there was change without using a time-table that readers could understand. I will go back once I have a better concept to express that thought. I appreciate you pointing it out again so I can make a point to fix it.
I'm always open to criticism as long as its productive. Nay-sayers just to be trolls I ignore, but people, like you, who bother to give me examples on HOW to improve are always greatly appreciated. I hope to one day be a publish author so I best learn how to take whatever an "editor" can throw at me in proper way. Again. Thanks for the feedback and if anything comes up in the future I hope you don't mind giving me pointers wherever you see fit. :)
6887650 Thanks. I wanted to try to bring a fresh perspective to this old "cliche"
Wow, either she's psychic, or she remembered something.