Vinyl likes Octavia a whole lot, stuff happens
Edited by my friend Satans Tangent
Going under rewrite soon. Re-writing this chapter then adding a date chapter.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 7th Jun, 2015
- offline last seen Apr 8th, 2018
ThatFriendlyDerp
hello I am ThatFriendlyderp, I enjoy a nice pair of slacks, And I like to draw and write pony words.
ThatFriendlyDerp
Joined 7th Jun, 2015 ·
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Well that was quick.
Suddenly, shipping.
Brief and a few latent grammar issues, but otherwise nice. I liked it!
And WHY is this story rated 'Mature'?
This story does not deserve a Mature rating. Teen, maybe. Not Mature.
And now for the actual criticism:
Grammar is... not all bad. There's a lot of capitalization errors, and quotation confusion, but that's normal for beginners. Punctuation is a little harder to get a grasp on than other parts of grammar for some reason; it might be because it's not normally spoken? I don't know.
Pacing, though...
Yeah. This is better than your other story, in that there is a story. I can see improvements. But it's still very... stilted and jerky in how it flows. Everything is abrupt, every transition is a sudden snickersnack. It feels like I'm reading a series of unconnected events, which is not how reading a story should feel; you want it to feel like everything moves smoothly.
Still, a decent starter story. Keep at it.
6874854
6874930
Well Derp had to rate it mature because there's profanity.
6876081
...no there isn't.
No seriously, there isn't. I just searched, there's no profanity.
6876113
You forgot something
6876337 I thought profanity can be rated Teen, unless it's excessive?
6876337
Yeah, that's not worth the mature rating.
6876454
6876442
Hey i don't think it should be rated mature either but the one guy said it's either rated mature or taken down... He didn't even say Derp could change it, it was either rated mature or taken off Fimfiction...
6876920
Who was this guy?
6876949
This guy here Obselescence
6877066
And what exactly did he say? What was his exact quote?
After consulting with some of the site staff, it appears that the rule is profanity in the story would not automatically render the story mature unless the word was significantly adult. Profanity in the description, however, does.
Might I suggest changing the word 'shit' to the word 'stuff'? That would allow you to drop your rating down to teen.
thumbs up for the joke. but was super pissed cuz it was getting good lol
oh yea to anyone thanks for reading this pile of shit! its going under rewrite soon so i make it better! :P