A Giant Pineapple Eats Twilight

EIt's Raining [Giant] Pineapples
MLP: FiM
Random
Exactly one month, one day, seven hours and nine minutes after Twilight destroyed a giant pineapple, it starts to randomly rain pineapples. Giant pineapples, that is. We might need a bigger umbrella...
Twilight
Pinkie
Unidentified · 2.9k words · 440 views

A pineapple.

Who knew they could be so scary?

Long story short, Twilight tries to experiment on a pineapple and everything goes downhill from there.

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 12 )

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GrandpaTurtle

GrandpaTurtle #1 · Feb 28th, 2016 · · ·

Byootiful

Seether00

Seether00 #2 · Feb 28th, 2016 · · ·

Wat?

You know, I wrote something similar but it was a small part of story. It was a long time ago.

Baritone

Baritone #3 · Feb 28th, 2016 · · ·

It's in the title...but I'm so confused as to what just happened.

ScrambledCrackers

ScrambledCrackers #4 · Feb 28th, 2016 · · ·

That was weird. I'm not quite sure what happened, but it was certainly an interesting little trip.

I think the author was on drugs at time of writing.

Unidentified

Unidentified #5 · Feb 28th, 2016 · 1 · ·

6980884 No drugs were involved in the making of this story. Just pineapples.

Briarpelt

Briarpelt #6 · Feb 28th, 2016 · 1 · ·

This is a good (and certainly random) story, but there were some flaws. Don't read on if you don't want constructive criticism, but if you do (even if you don't intend to edit this story; my advice applies to all writing), then please at least think about what I have to say.

Ok, here goes:

In the 8th paragraph, you suddenly switch to present tense and then back to past tense. Also, it's spelled "uneasiness", not "uneasyness".

There were also some flaws with the writing itself. In places, the story felt almost like a summary. For example:

Unfortunately, the attempt failed which led to Twilight being eaten by the giant pineapple.

You might try adding more action. Describe what Twilight does to stop the pineapple, and explain how it eats her.
"The pineapple was getting closer, looming threateningly over her. Twilight fired off a laser spell, but it bounced off the creature's spiky hide! Distracted by the failure of her magic, Twilight didn't notice the pineapple opening its mouth and leaning down over her until it was too late. She shrieked as its giant, yellow lips closed over her and a cold, juicy tongue forced her down its throat."
Something like that might sound better, although that particular quote is somewhat overdramatic to help demonstrate my point.

This leads me to my next criticism. The beginning of the story makes it clear that we are supposed to see the story from Twilight's perspective, in sentences such as:

Slightly disturbed, she decided to reverse the effects of the spell to turn the pineapple back to normal.

His is a good sentence, and a clear indication of how Twilight feels about this. However, there are few like it throughout the story, where the audience gets some insight into Twilight's thoughts, feelings, and reactions. You tell us what she is doing, but not why or how she does it. Show us how she feels about all this. Is she confused about why her spells went wrong? Is she scared she'll be digested? Is she, perhaps, mildly amused by this strange turn of events?

Show us her thoughts, too. Is she trying to find a solution? What does she think will happen if she finds the core? What books might be cycling through her head as she guages her situation? Maybe throw in a line or two of italicized text, indicating a word-for-word thought of hers. Have her mutter to herself, and tell us what she's saying.
"'That's interesting,' said Twilight. 'The enlargement spell isn't supposed to act that way... did I cast it wrong?'"

Of course, there were many highlights, too. I hope you don't think me too harsh. You have much better grammar than many I've seen, both on and off this website. I criticize because I see potential for improvement; I wouldn't bother if it was a hopeless wreck. This was indeed very funny, and I think it has the ability to set many more laughing, if only it had some polishing.

Unidentified

Unidentified #7 · Feb 28th, 2016 · · ·

6981218 Ah! Finally, some criticism on one of my stories!

In the 8th paragraph, you suddenly switch to present tense and then back to past tense. Also, it's spelled "uneasiness", not "uneasyness".

Really? Lemme check. Oh, I see it now. Don't know how those two slipped through!

There were also some flaws with the writing itself. In places, the story felt almost like a summary. For example:
Unfortunately, the attempt failed which led to Twilight being eaten by the giant pineapple.
You might try adding more action. Describe what Twilight does to stop the pineapple, and explain how it eats her.
"The pineapple was getting closer, looming threateningly over her. Twilight fired off a laser spell, but it bounced off the creature's spiky hide! Distracted by the failure of her magic, Twilight didn't notice the pineapple opening its mouth and leaning down over her until it was too late. She shrieked as its giant, yellow lips closed over her and a cold, juicy tongue forced her down its throat."
Something like that might sound better, although that particular quote is somewhat overdramatic to help demonstrate my point.

I'll admit, I was a bit lazy when typing this portion of the story. Description wasn't really a main objective of mine at the time (However, it was a side-option) so I just typed up whatever would fit best.

Funny thing is, before I decided to submit the story, I looked at that particular paragraph once more. I wasn't sure if I wanted to add more description or if I should leave it alone. Of course, I chose the second option due to me being lazy at the moment. I may go back to add more description but for now, it'll stay the same.

And I'm also very tempted to use your example. But I won't because I'm not that type of person.

This leads me to my next criticism. The beginning of the story makes it clear that we are supposed to see the story from Twilight's perspective, in sentences such as:
Slightly disturbed, she decided to reverse the effects of the spell to turn the pineapple back to normal.
His is a good sentence, and a clear indication of how Twilight feels about this. However, there are few like it throughout the story, where the audience gets some insight into Twilight's thoughts, feelings, and reactions. You tell us what she is doing, but not why or how she does it. Show us how she feels about all this. Is she confused about why her spells went wrong? Is she scared she'll be digested? Is she, perhaps, mildly amused by this strange turn of events?
Show us her thoughts, too. Is she trying to find a solution? What does she think will happen if she finds the core? What books might be cycling through her head as she guages her situation? Maybe throw in a line or two of italicized text, indicating a word-for-word thought of hers. Have her mutter to herself, and tell us what she's saying.
"'That's interesting,' said Twilight. 'The enlargement spell isn't supposed to act that way... did I cast it wrong?'"

The "why" definitely needs some work on, I agree. The "how"... Like I said previously, description wasn't a main objective of mine. I'll add some description in when I have some time.

Her emotions? Scared? Maybe. Confused? Somewhat. Amused? Kind of. I always thought that she was a bit annoyed after being swallowed by the pineapple. I guess I forgot to plug in that element of the story.

Her thoughts? Yeah, I guess I probably should have done something like that at one point in the story. Though, I wanted to use the narration to pull off a similar aspect to that. I could try to add in some hints of what Twilight was feeling by using body language or something similar but I don't want to use her own thoughts to interrupt the flow of the story (If there truly was any in the first place).

Is she trying to find a solution? Of course! If she's caught up in a problem she would obviously try to figure out a solution to said problem! I thought that was something that didn't need explanation!

What does she think will happen if she finds the core? Well, that's it. She finds it so she has a new task of destroying it. If destroying the core is what you're referring to... Well, it's not like Twilight expects the pineapple to dance once the core is destroyed. If she's going to destroy it, she expects the pineapple to collapse to the ground lifeless as a result. I thought that was self-explanatory as well.

Books? BOOKS?! Ah, sounds like a good idea to add in. I'll consider it.

As for the suggestions to add some speech and thought in the story... Again, I didn't want to disrupt the flow of the story and decided to just let the narration take over. I originally intended the last two lines to be the only dialogue in the entire story.

Of course, there were many highlights, too. I hope you don't think me too harsh. You have much better grammar than many I've seen, both on and off this website. I criticize because I see potential for improvement; I wouldn't bother if it was a hopeless wreck. This was indeed very funny, and I think it has the ability to set many more laughing, if only it had some polishing.

Trust me, I've seen harsh before. Both directed towards me and at someone else. I actually consider you to be one of the nicer critics out there.

Of course, the main goal of the story was to be some random and silly one-shot to entertain others. Glad to see that it's successful!

Thanks for taking the time to criticize this story and finding its flaws. When the time comes, I'll definitely add in more detail into the story, but for now, I'll leave it like this. I just don't have the energy in me to edit stuff right now!

Nova Arc