When Rainbow Dash crashes through Pinkie Pie's roof she needs somewhere to stay for a few weeks as she recuperates. (Generic beginning I know) As Rainbow Dash starts to develop new feelings for Pinkie Pie she notices the latter's strange behaviors. When confronted secrets abound and adventures are had by all. Hope y'all like it.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I'm no writer, and am therefore incapable of telling you anything really detailed on how to improve, but I do see two flaws. Let me try to give you some constructive criticism..
First of all, Rainbow seems strangely suspicious of Pinkie's behaviour. Pretty much everything she does in this story is entirely in character for her, yet Rainbow seems very eager, almost desperate even, to find some kind of hidden meaning behind her behaviour, which is a bit weird, seeing how there's really no reason for her to do so.
Second, the pacing is also slightly off. I feel you just swiftly move past some parts of the story which I really do think should get more attention. For instance, why is only Pinkie there in the hospital scene? Rainbow getting in a massive accident which gets her hospitalized seems like the kind of thing all of her friends would be interested in. So that's definitely a part of the story that could so with some expansion. And some parts are just somewhat weirdly paced, like what happens when they get back home.
I myself am absolutely terrible when it comes to dealing with criticism, and you did mention you were nervous at the beginning, so I'd just like to say that I wrote this little piece of amateuristic cricicism only to help you. Please don't take this as discouragement to continue writing
Cute. I like it so far, but its a little fast paced. This is not meant as discouragment, as I often have the same problem. Just maybe add a little bit. I'll be continuing to read this as it goes on, though
Will there be more to this? I sure hope so.
Well thanks everybody! I will keep all of this in mind when updating. There are currently five chapters that are pretty much planned and I will try to take this stuff and make it a bit better!
Okay so I have tried to add a bit of explanation and detail to this chapter. Seriously thanks to everyone who gave constructive comments on the last chapter because that made this one literally bounds better than it was. You guys/girls are the best. I will try to update as often as possible but I think i will need to spend a lot more time on the upcoming chapters than I have the first two
Pre-Reading comment-
I looked at the discription and read it over. After ii finished I said to myself: 'You know I could use a Rainbow Pie, wait that sounds really gay...'
But then again also sound delicious and spicy!
I'm interested to see where this story goes. It's not bad in terms of set up or overall plot but I do agree that Rainbow Dash seems to be overthinking here. It could use some tidying up but otherwise I am interested to see where this goes.
724241
well in a literal sense it is gay. quite gay. as it's about two mares haha. :pinkie happy:
724261
I don't know if you have read the second chapter but I try to address that a bit in the second one. If you haven't already read that one please let me know what you think after that! But if you already have read chapter two then the problems still exist and its back to the old drawing board!
This chapter is a lot better than teh last, not top tier but for a first story it's pretty good. You have some talent here but it still needs to be worked on, still not bad for a first effort.
You, you, you gave me feels. *begins to sob* I absolutely love it, love the direction, as well as the characterization. What can I say? Love the cutes and you have 'em.
Just work on grammer and no one can complain, and by that I mean fix the one or two mistakes. Otherwise this is rock solid. But don't be afraid to elaborate :P
Oh yeah, my thumbs, take them, I won't need em after this
724350 You win favorite comment! It is great to hear that you like it! I am really terrible at grammar (tis why I always do bad in English classes even though I love literature). But thanks for reading and commenting!
724381 haha that is Poppa to you but thanks all the same! You guys are making me overwhelmed with joy!
724379
Yes then the plan is coming to an end next will be the execution of order--
Whoops almost spilled the beans, carry on mortal.
Awesome story so far finsh it must read more
*Points* SHIPPER! *Throws roses*
724267
wait what? isn't gay = two of the same gender (and not just male on male stuff)? that doesn't make much sense if it wasn't gay, seeing that they are both "female"...
725356
I know. I said it was not that it wasn't? Haha
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just sounded like it in one of your comments ^_^
"She was the only one who could keep up with her, without it becoming a competition."
Ah, I do like this argument for PinkieDash and use it quite often. I believe I first saw it used in "Rainbow Dash's Best Plan Ever"; were you inspired by that story, or is the truth of this statement just so obvious it came to you naturally ;)?
It suffers from the same problems as the first chapter, but to a lesser degree, which means you're improving. The pacing and structure will likely automatically improve as you write more. Practice makes perfect, after all
. As Alexander-Crossover said, it's not bad for a first attempt and the story is fine, it could just do with a bit more polishing.
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Thank you! Your criticism is both constructive and greatfuly recieved. I have not read that other story you are referring to but it just seems so natural doesn't it? Pacing is for sure my worst problem, and it always has been to be honest. I'm really hoping that as this goes on I'll get better.
I shall favorite this my good sir
kurtvonmoos.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/stay_classy.jpg
This was a lot better than the first chapter, although it still feels just a little bit rushed. Additionally, you need to put a little bit more work into describing things a bit more and using more exclamation marks and commas and such; for example, when Dash screams about her wings hurting, her response to Pinkie should end with an exclamation mark, and the sentence (in my mind at least) should be split into a couple or more sentences. "It's my wings! I don't know what's wrong, but they're spazzing out bad!" for example. If she is not exclaiming and so the exclamation point is not needed, describe how it is she is replying.
Also, I would advise putting spaces between lines of dialogue to seperate them. It's not exactly neccessary, but it does make the writing look neater.
Apologies if any of this sounds harsh - it's not meant to be. It's just a bit of constructive criticism. You're more than welcome to ignore it all anyway - I'm far from being good at writing.
Can't wait to read more. Keep up the good work!
WWWWHHYYYY?!
...I have nothing else to say.
I am....Saddened by the end of this chapter. I dont get what Pinkie is guilty about, but i hope she snaps out of it soon!
Maybe pinkie drugged her and she was afraid that it worked.
That's my only guess.
haha I am glad you guys don't know, I was afraid you would be able to figure it out too easily. Don't worry, It's like Rainbow said, there is a method to Pinkie Pie's madness. So stop trying to guess! Total party foul haha. All I need is comments on the pacing because I am trying ever so hard to fix the mistakes you all have been pointing out.
"Ponyville’s premier party pony"
Ah, I do love referring to Pinkie in this manner! Great minds think alike, it seems ;) For added alliterative appeal, you may wish to consider making it "Ponyville’s Premier Pink Party Pony". But that's enough about alliteration, let's get to the fic.
First of all, I'd like to say that this is a huge improvement over the previous chapters, especially the beginning. I'm not quite sure what you did, but the pacing has been massively improved and everything seems much more polished and flows more smoothly. There's still a lot of room for improvement, of course (the ending seems a bit rushed, for example), but it's definitely improving with leaps and bounds. It's actually rather interesting to watch this fic on a meta level, simply because you improve quite noticeably with every chapter.
I did have a few issues with RD's characterization in this chapter, but that is always a much more personal thing. For instance, a hug seems like a strange thing for Rainbow to propose as a prize. Even if she is in love with Pinkie, she still has her dignity and I do believe Rainbow would see asking for a hug from Pinkie as something "uncool" or "sappy". Same thing with remarking on the beauty of Pinkie's eyes.
Anyway, keep it up!
736918
Yeah I actually agree with your issues on the characterization but it is just what happened haha. I kind of just let it flow. Thank you for the feedback though! I hope that the pattern you see will continue, if so the last chapter should be tons better! Cheers!
"..it isn’t as if Pinkie Pie ever brushes her hair."
A bit of a random part of the fic to quote, I know, but I'd never actually thought about this before. But now that you mention it, Pinkie's hair is still styled in the exact same manner as it was when it was first tousled by the Sonic Rainboom, so it does indeed seem likely she just ignores the matter completely. Another thing she and Dashie may have in common. Anyway, on to the constructive criticism.
First of all, it'd probably be a good idea to use more paragraphs. The first thing I noticed when I opened the new chapter was this massive wall of text, which isn't all that appealing.
Second, you should probably either seperate Rainbow's thoughts from your exposition or fully integrate them into it. As it is, we often get little bits of direct thoughts from Dash just randomly placed within the narrative, without any kind of indication we're switching from the author to Rainbow.
Also, Twilight seems a bit too willing to go along with Rainbow's insanity. While it isn't out of character for Rainbow to be so completely retarded, I don't think Twilight would let her go if she could in any way prevent it. She's a bit too accepting of it all..
Finally, the dialogue just seems a bit off at times. As I'm not skilled at all in writing dialogue myself, I can't really say anything about how you may improve in this field. Again, I suspect practice will do the trick.
Some parts of the story seem somewhat rushed, such as the CMC intervention, but overall your pacing is roughly on the same level as it was in the previous chapter, which is good.
Keep it up!
726605 I was so distracted by the rest of your post that I only now fully realize what you said. You haven't read "Rainbow Dash's Best Plan Ever". My good sir, this state of affairs is completely unacceptable. Here, go check it out. It's actually the second PinkieDash fic I ever read and it was this story which convinced me it was the One True Pairing.
And while you're at it, read the fic "Where Your Heart Is" as well; I consider it to be one of the best PinkieDash stories in existence. Both were written by CloudySkies, who is a most excellent author.
738488
Yeah I have it all formatted really nicely in my word document but this site makes it a nightmare, because I have to completely re-edit it when i upload it.
aaaand you will be happy to know that I do not think any subsequent chapters have any Rainbow Dash thoughts in them (I can't be positive, but so far they don't)
And I think your point about Twilight is the first place I would disagree with you, but that is a tough call to debate really.
I would say that my problem is that I have written for school for so long where it was jammed into my head that "nobody wants to read a long text so write it concisely or you get an F" so it is just a matter of coming out of that really. I originally wrote the entire store with 6 chapters each about 1000 words but after uploading the first chapter people were raising this concern so I have been going back and adding all the details i originally left out. It makes me really happy to be able to write free! I think the first chapter that I write fresh from scratch now will be way better!
I would agree that I don't believe Twilight would be willing to risk irreparable damage to Dash, but oh well. Also, when putting a characters thoughts into a story written in this style, the common thing to do is to put it in italics, i.e 'Then shook her head to clear the distractions,come on focus Dash.
I cou>>739307
I could have sworn I italicized those thoughts. Oh well sorry guys. I am slightly drunk and I'm sorry my story sucks. Once again I'm drunk so disregard this later. I guess. Well. Sorry
740708
I will not lead you astray :)
Do not worry my friend.
Awesome! :D
oh wow! awesome chapter!!
Suddenly, Robin Hood reference!
This is just an awesome fic.
798286
Thank you! I am thinking about doing a whole separate fic with Robin Hooves and the mane six. I absolutely love Robin hood! haha
Robin Hooves
Wow...just wow...can we please have some more? Please?
I am glad to be hearing some positive things on this chapter! The next chapter will probably take even longer because it includes some elements that I am not confident in my writing ability on. Also. no one found the direct quote from a different thing yet? I'm disappointed, someone needs to claim those ten bonus points
Your killing me dude killing me you leave off at parts that just I...... I just don't know what to say other than this WRITE THE NEXT CHAPTER SO I CAN READ IT
LOVE THIS SOOO MUCH!!!