Blind Trust
I decided to do a short story. It will consist of only a couple of chapters. I felt like taking a whole new approach to Human in Equestria stories… I really like doing those for some reason…You can follow this link of my deviant art page if you want.
Chapter one
“Lost in a veil of darkness”
It was a lively afternoon at Ponyville’s marketplace. Ponies of all kind were enveloped in the hustle and bustle of their own errands, trotting and flying, selling and buying. Applejack was standing at her apple cart as she was on every market day of the week. Business was really thriving today and our cowpony was as she says “happier than a gopher in soft dirt”! It was quite thoughtful of her to bring extra barrels to restock, because these red deliciouses were selling as fast as her friend Pinkie Pie’s hot chocolate cupcakes.
The Southern bucker had just dumped another barrel of apples in her emptied cart when she heard worried and uneasy voices commenting on something that was happening on the other side of the square.
“Dear, me what is that thing over there?”
“It’s bald!”
“It’s creeping me out!”
“It’s coming straight for us!”
“Is it possessed or something? It doesn’t seem to be stopping for nopony!”
“What the hay is goin on ovah thea?” The blonde gingery heroine of the mane six got around her workload to feast her eyes on the strangest creature she has laid her eyes upon.
It was some sort of a small bald ape! It had a light brown mane, tied in a pony-tail, small eyes and snub nose, pale skin, no snout, just a line for a mouth, and was just as a tad taller compared to a full grown mare. It wore a pair of suspended jeans, a striped yellow-green t-shirt, and the strangest white shoes ever. AND IT WALKED ON TWO LEGS! This living thing seemed so unreal, like a ghost, walking in the flesh among the crowd of stressed equines.
“Hello? Could you tell me where I am? I’m lost! Somebody must have taken me from my bed while I was sleeping because I woke up not far from here!” The alien pleaded for help but in vain. Judging by the voice it was a girl.
Nopony listened to what she said, they were simply terrified by the fact that she spoke their language. The lost stranger reached out to grab somepony, but couldn’t manage as they all took steps back as she took steps forth. Soon, one by one, the equine citizens of this settlement, started abandoning the marketplace, quickly taking refuge in each other’s homes and locking the doors. The vender-ponies quickly closed their stalls and bailed out of there as well.
Only Applejack stood there, all alone against this unknown threat!
“Wait, don’t leave, pleeeeeaaaase!” the little girl begged turning to one direction and to another.
Our Apple family mare would’ve hightailed outta here too if it wasn’t the fear that grounded her hoofs as if they were stones.
“Huuuh… uuuuh… anypony… a lil bit of help would do this apple merchant sum good!” the earth pony called for assistance but the townsfolk were just as scared as she was.
That wasn’t a bright move, for the pale alien had taken notice of the filly and proceeded with advancing towards her. AJ’s heartbeat quickened and quickened as the thing approached closer and closer. Only when this strange girl put her cold hand against her chest, did the Element of honesty regain her mobility and galloped away as if she was bitten by a rattle snake.
“Stop! I just wanted to say hi.” the female out-lander shed a few tears. She couldn’t understand why everyone ran away from her.
Meanwhile, up in the clouds our favorite Mistress of Awesome was lying on a cloud, napping. As to her whereabouts, Rainbow Dash was just above the very marketplace where everything below was transpiring. The Wonderbolt dreamer was high enough so that the noise wouldn’t bother her, but low enough to hear the soft symphony of voices and sounds. However, the moment everything went silent, she flinched in her sleep and opened one of her cerise eyes, looking sideways. Why did it suddenly go so quiet?
“Did something happen?” Dash asked herself before doing an aerial somersault “Awesome, this must definitely be something that needs my immediate action!”
Leaping off the cloud, she nosedived straight down to the market place, before stopping just a couple of feet above ground. Hovering about, the loyal pony friend scanned her surroundings. All the houses around this area were shut and sealed. Not a soul in sight. Some of the stands were gone, others left without supervision, with vegetables lying around all over the place.
Just then, Rainbow’s ear twitched, picking up a thump and a foal’s voice, that ouched in pain. She quickly spun around, ready to face any danger! To her surprise, the mare saw a small creature of unfamiliar origin that seemed to have just hit its head against an applecart. That was Apple Jack’s cart! A moment later the cyan Pegasus witnessed this miscreant taking an apple from her good friend’s stall and taking a bite from it.
“Hey, hey you! Yeah you! You can’t just take an apple like that! You have to pay for it first! For that matter, the one in charge of this cart must be present!” the dashing pony quickly flew over to the scene and pushed back the stranger, using her forehead.
“Oh, I’m so sorry! Everyone ran away and I bumped into this thing, and… I’m sorry!” The little girl apologized, handing back the fruit “Here! You can put it back!”
Dashy circled around the alien, examining her looks. Once she landed in front of her, the mare saw that the out-worlder was a little bit taller than her.
“Who are you? What are you?” the element of Loyalty asked.
“My name is Kelly Sombermayer and I happen to be a girl! I wonder why you ask.” The young maiden responded as asked.
“Okay, then! Where do you come from?”
“Brooklyn! My caretakers said it’s a city in a big country called America!”
“Never heard of it!”
“What’s your name?”
“Why, I’m Rainbow Dash! Fastest flyer in Equestria!”
“Haa, haa, haa, haa! You sure are funny for a boy!” miss Sombermayer giggled merrily, putting her hand on her mouth.
“I’m not a boy, kiddo! I'm a girl like you! In fact, I’m a full grown mare! What’s it to you?” RD retorted with her voice becoming even raspier.
“Oh, I apologize! Your voice just sounds like that… by the way, what’s a mare?” the lass questioned with curiosity.
“You don’t know? It’s a term for a female pony! Have you never seen one, where you come from?” The sporty tomboy raised a brow, puzzled.
“I have been on a pony farm once! I touched the snout and mane of one, but I never got to see it!”
“How come?”
“I was born so I can only see black!”
This was the moment when it dawned upon the Pegasus. These blue eyes of hers! They were just looking into the space where Rainbow was supposed to be, without seeing! No wonder her pupils didn’t react to the pony’s movements! To completely confirm it, Rainbow waved her forehoof in front of the kid’s face. No reaction!
“Are you blind?” the Sonic Rainboom performer’s expression changed to that of solicitude.
“Yes!” Kelly answered with the most straightforward and earnest of voices.
To be continued…
A good start, A thumb up, since I noticed they are not always given even if people likes stories. I will follow to see more.
714729 I hope you'll excuse me! Picking the right vocabulary for the right character isn't always easy. I have no experience with little kid characters
Ill see where you take this.
(“What in the hay is goin on ovah thea?”) dude wat?
714850 Texan accent
"Are you blind?" "Yes!"
Me: WHAT THE FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU... ...!!!
Ya got me thair,mate.
So far it's pretty awesome! It's a whole lot different from your typical HiE story. Like to see where this is going!
714935 Thank you very much Mr. FanForever! This the kind of reaction I was exactly going for! Have some fun pony emoticons:
714922 There are hints of her condition everywhere throughout the story and in the picture itself
Very interesting premise. Something great could easily be made out of it.
Still a couple of suggestions. Instead of saying "The Texan" say something the 'southern', 'farm pony' or 'cow pony', since it's clear that the people of Equestria have NO idea what a human is or that Earth actually exists.
Also I don't believe that AJ would of ran away like that, but It's for the story progression so I'll forgive you.
I also agree that the language the girl uses needs to be less 'formal', but kept mature, as such things like blindness tend to make people mentally mature as a faster rate.
715005 I must have been sleepy to miss those details all out!
715064 Thank you for your notes! I'm already ahead of you. I'm working on the next chapter as we speak. And I am keeping the maturity in the girl's speech as you said
I've sense a little Dancer in the Dark vibes going on here.
Most HiE stories are boring. This however shows a glimmer of hope to be something good
HiE storys with an original concept are few and far between, I'll be keeping an eye on this story.
looks interesting i shall follow this story
Kinda interesting story. Better follow to see how it turns out.
I fine the cover art funny because the little girl is currently pissing Rainbow Dash who is twenty something atm
725872 Hahhahahah! Well the actual reaction is in chapter 2
LOL mistress of awesome? +10
715118
just one thing, blind people don't know what color is.
i mean, try to explain color to a creature without eyes
so amazing and interesting
“I was born so I can only see black!”
Good so far. Just that one up there. "I was born so I can only see black!" I'm pretty sure you missed something there.
Hmm, the dialogue is a little awkward, but I am liking where this is going. My biggest recommendation is that you don't put so much emphasis on Applejack's accent. The end of her first sentence came out as more Boston than Southern. Just saying "what the hay's goin' on over there?" is good. As for Rainbow Dash, her speech seems a little more formal than I am used to in this first chapter. I'll see how it plays out in the rest of the story, but formal speech is definitely OOC for Dashie's laidback personality.
hmm recently started reading this. It could really use some minor (okay major) fixing here and there. and the pacing a off but I'm betting it'll get better later on.
Some examples of problems would be
“What in the hay is goin on ovah thea?” as alluded to before by Captain_Savage it a very horrible representation of cow girl speech.
It should probably read "What in tarnation is that racket about!?" sounds a little like Granny Smith but she did raise them mostly by herself.
There is also a bunch of unnecessary bits that just clutter up the flow.
Examples:
Hovering about, the loyal pony friend scanned her surroundings.
"the loyal pony friend" you are using to many descriptive words for no apparent reason.
the mare saw a small creature of unfamiliar origin that seemed
"Small creature of unfamiliar origin" "strange bipedal creature" is more applicable here.
Just then, Rainbow’s ear twitched, picking up a thump and a foal’s voice, that ouched in pain.
Do you SEE all those comma's. Also, ouched isn't a word but I can let that slide.
Leaping off the cloud, she nosedived straight down to the market place, before stopping just a couple of feet above ground.
Again with the unnecessary comma's.
terrified by the fact that she spoke their language.
Why exactly would you be terrified something spoke your language in any situation that makes no sense.
AND IT WALKED ON TWO LEGS!
REALLY! really! They have flipping minotaurs walking around and they're scared cause she walks on two legs?
Side note here: She is probably a hell of a lot less scary then a minotaur what exactly is the ponies problems?
I could go on for a long time but that would be a waste of my time. The point is these chapters need some serious editing. You have plenty of likes so ask around for an editor if you can.
BTW, Please oh please delete sdfwkhsdfiu's comment as it is blatant advertisement.
One more note. You need to take a look at the summary as well, it suffers much of the same problems.
Jeez, applejack. If I ever get stuck in equestria remained me never to ask you for help
Well rainbow, thank you for not simply running from Kelly, though, being you, I should've expected you wouldn't run.
Interesting intro. I will read on, at least til midnight, then I gotta hit the hay. Dog with a blog is on tomorrow and I don't want to miss it like I did last week