A one off story about how you met the special somepony in your life. The person who you couldn't think about living about. The person who you don't know how you had lived without. Of course this could come about in many sorts of ways. This is the story of how you met that special somepony.
This story will be the basis of many of my future stories.
Warning: M/M Shipping, 2nd Person
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Nice job. I only caught one error: it should be "straight into your soul" not "strait". Keep up the good work. You have earned a fave from me.
709760 Thanks I'll fix it when I get home.
Not bad at all, especially for your first fanfic! If I may make a couple suggestions on how to improve it, though...
1. Especially during the opening paragraph, the pace of the story seems rushed. Everything feels like it's moving faster than real-time. For example, in said first paragraph, Braeburn goes from deep asleep to fully awake in one sentence. There are a couple ways you could fix this, but my favorite way is to just have your characters stop and smell the roses a bit. Give Talon (and Braeburn, for that matter) a bit of time to wake up by having them take in the surroundings. This both informs the reader of the setting, and allows us to learn about the characters by how they react to that setting. By that, I mean the way they describe their environment, being the narrarator, will tell us more about their personality.
2. The Derpy interlude was cute, but it really broke the 4th wall into itty-bitty pieces by having an abrupt narrarator switch from Talon to the author. If you make the clues more subtle, yet still enough to let us know who it is. This same issue came up with the Fluttershy reference. A good way to fix this would be to have Talon notice their other distinguishing characteristics, like their cutie mark, to tell us who it is without really telling us who it is.
3. This is a bit derivative of my first point, but I thought I should specifically point it out. You seem to dump a lot of exposition all at once on the reader. This may give you more time to develop your characters later, but for the most part, it just bores the reader. Ease them into the story by either showing the reader the information they need to know, or carefully spreading out the exposition where it is needed.
If you work towards solving these problems, I think you will have a pretty darn good fic on your hands. Can't wait to read more from you!
- Ristar, the Shooting Star
711344
1. Yah I forgot to add to that paragraph because I was going to finish it later and I forgot.
2. Fixed
3. Fixed
I did some reworking with the beginning and added a new section to the end. I tried to get this out before I had to study for finals, but I was able to find some time and fix it.
a little earlier that usual. Should be than.
my name is Feast-Talon, I am in love, I am currently dating Braeburn Apple, and I couldn't be happier. Should be in quotations, also should be capitalized at the start..
Some spacing issues here and there, and flashbacks should likely be in Italics unless it happens to be the entire chapter as a whole.
Some of the paragraphs are too long, for example the first in the flashback could be broken into two or even three smaller paragraphs.
Wait, hunt griffons? That seems... brutal...
It seems to go by a little too quickly, as if everything is being thrown on the author at once, I understand this is your first story, mine was just as horrendous, but I suggest getting somepony to proofread it before posting chapters, and maybe extending them. Also, there truly is no clear... plot in sight. Second Person stories are usually one shots or something, or choose-your-adventure fics.
I'll still keep track of it, only because so little M/M fics exist.
711787 I'm putting this on hiatus and I'm going to see if I can improve on it by changing the perspective. I don't know what I'm going to do with this, writing isn't my strong suit. This is probably going to be scrapped.