Just Nervous Paces, Bracing for Bad News
They took a break there. Spike wanted to stretch his legs and gather his thoughts, and Cadance had no problems leading him into the small gardens on the grounds of the castle. She told him to take his time, and left him with a single guard as an escort, who stood at the entry door.
Spike wandered through the small flower beds, neatly tended. He paused and gently touched a sunny crystalline blossom, before continuing towards a short tree bearing blue fruit.
He placed a paw gently on the trunk, running his palm over the smooth bark, before laying down on the soft grass. He rolled onto his back, propping his head on a knot in the roots to gaze up into the sky between the leaves.
He laid there for what seemed like hours, trying to think over his relationship with the bearer of Generosity. His head gave him no such concrete thing, and he couldn't do anything more than lay there and relive the precious memories he still had.
Eventually, his thoughts were interrupted by the gentle crunching of grass below hooves. Listening to the slow movement, he perked his head up to be sure of who it was.
She smiled down at him, and they shared a nuzzle before she laid beside him, one of her wings covering him as she leaned into his side. They laid in silence for a while, before Spike broke it.
"Have I been out here long?"
"Maybe a little over an hour," she said, putting her head on his chest. She hummed as he lifted a paw and started running through her mane. "Cadance wants you to take all the time you need, she says."
"Oh, I'm not really getting anywhere. I'll probably head back in there in a minute. How about you? Cluster lead you into any weird places?"
Fluttershy giggled, shaking her head. "We went to the Filly's restroom a little before I was quite ready, but other than that he was good. I don't know where he got that map, it's hoof drawn, but it's very detailed and well labeled. He isn't so great at reading it, but the two of us got to everything easily enough."
"Good, good," Spike murmured, stroking through her mane. "Any plans for this afternoon?"
"I don't think so," she murmured. "I was thinking that their library would have some older texts about animals, maybe some medicines that we've forgotten over time. That's probably a relaxing way to spend an afternoon, don't you think?"
"Sounds pretty chill," he murmured, lifting his head to nuzzle into the top of her head a bit. "I think I'm ready to head back to Cadance, if you're done relaxing here?"
She wriggled a little and lifted her head to give Spike a chaste smooch.
"Another couple of minutes?"
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Cadance looked up from her notes at a soft knock on her office's door, and smiled up at Spike when he entered.
"Your guy out here said I was good to come in?" he asked, looking around the room to make sure no-one else was in there.
"Yes Spike, you're my focus today," she said with a chuckle, stretching a hoof towards his previous seat. The serving tray was still there, once again covered by the silver dome. As Spike walked over to it, Cadance's magic lit up one of the panels and pulled out a canister with a coffee bean marked on the side.
"Did you have a productive time out there?" Cadance asked, as she begun preparing two different kettles for the beverage.
Spike let out a quick bark of laughter, a short, "Ha! Absolutely, as long as staring up at the sky can be considered productive. I just reminisced, instead of actually thinking about anything." He sighed. "I wanted to actually reflect on our interactions, but I just lost myself."
Cadance actually smiled a bit, giving Spike a nod. "Our thoughts can be like that." She set the metal kettle onto a small net of woven wires on the table, and sparked her magic into a contained flame. Almost instantly, the water inside could be heard bubbling and swirling.
She looked over the scrolls on her desk, and looked back to Spike. "We can talk some more tomorrow, if you'd prefer? I have all of today, but if you're not up for it, for any reason...?"
Spike shook his head, sitting heavily on the cushion. "I'd like to get as much out today as possible. I'm not really sure what else there is to talk about, though..." He sighed heavily, before reaching out to the tray and snagging a cake.
"Well, before we separated, we were looking into how happy you were with Ms Rarity," Cadance started, looking over her notes as she turned the small magical fire on the cart off.
"Ah, but was I?" Spike said, shaking his head.
Cadance looked over at him, her gaze level as she floated the kettle of hot water over to the coffee maker.
"Does it matter anymore?" she asked bluntly.
He blinked before biting his lip and thinking about it for a moment.
"You know," he said, shaking his head, "I don't think it does."
Cadance smiled and nodded, writing on her scroll as the smell of fresh coffee finally hit the room. Spike watched her juggling the levitation of her ink quill, the kettle full of water, and then her paper as she picked it up to allow for her to look at both it and him.
"You know, you're one of five mares that I know of that can do all that at the same time," he said, waving a claw at the various airborne objects.
"Not trying to distract you," he said quickly as she raised an eyebrow at the non-sequitur. "It's impressive, is all."
She smiled and dipped her head, nodding at Spike. "Well then, thank you.
"To continue on earlier, though," she said, eyeing over her scroll. "Whenever we tried to talk about what made you happy with Rarity, we kept getting sidetracked into bad places. Right now, I'd like to talk about what made you happy during that time, in general," she said.
"Oh, uhm," he murmured, his mental gears grinding as he tried to change his thought's directions. "In general? Uhm, I really enjoyed reading comics, and at some point me, Mac, and Disscy started getting together to play games..."
"Disscy?" Cadance asked, amusement dancing between her eyes and her tone.
"Yeah, don't let him know we called him that," he said absently. "I'm sure he knows, but he hasn't let us know that he knows, so he doesn't know," Spike muttered.
"...Oh?" Cadance said, her eyebrows wrinkled now.
"Yeah," Spike agreed, eyes still distant. "Uhm, I spent a lot of time with Rarity, of course, as much as she would allow... Me and the guy's games suffered a bit, and I don't remember buying many comic books around that time, she always thought... well, that they were childish."
Cadance shook her head gently, as thought clearing cobwebs from her ears, before very quickly and briefly scratching on her roll of paper. She watched Spike think for a minute without interrupting, before she turned her eyes to the cart.
Spike was startled out of his thoughts by a warm mug passing in front of his eyes, and he reflexively took it. "Oh, thanks," he said, looking over at Cadance and smiling.
It didn't quite reach his eyes, though.
"Spike," she said, quietly. "What are you thinking, right now?"
He hesitated for a second, before he asked, "Did I have a life outside of her? She definitely had her own, outside of me."
Cadance hesitated, before carefully saying, "Well, Spike, I could give you my opinion, but that's all it would be; an opinion." She shifted a bit in her chair before asking, "What's your opinion, Spike?"
Spike drew in a short breath, before letting out a weak chuckle.
"I was pretty fucking pathetic, wasn't I?"
Cadance physically recoiled from the swear, her ears flicking back and forth as she tried to hide her surprise.
"Spike, language, please," she murmured, looking into his face with a gaze of deep concern. "Where did you even learn that word?"
"But it's true, isn't it?" he insisted. "After one fu-" he bit his lip at Cadance's look, "one bucking look at her, I decided to just utterly commit myself to her, be her willing servant or pincushion or whatever she wanted or I could think of, and for what?"
He slumped in his seat, letting his mug clatter heavily on the table in front of him as he covered his face with his paws.
"I wasted ten years of my life on her," he muttered into the soft leather of his palms, trying to push the tears forming back into his eyes, "a decade for what? Hurt feelings and the realization as to how fucking pitiful, how pathetic-"
"Spike!" Cadance called out, but he just shivered and ignored her, muttering now under his breath as he slumped forward, his paws running over his neck as he started to curl up on himself in his chair.
Cadance hopped out of her chair, her wings still closed but fluttering by her sides as she rushed to his side. She gently pulled him to her chest, but he pulled away from her as he shrunk into himself, rolling tightly into a ball on the seat. She watched his back flex, and recognized it as an attempt to cover oneself with a set of wings.
She'd performed the action often enough herself, after all.
Not sure what else to do, Cadance pulled a chair over next to him and sat on it, leaning heavily on him. He shivered and tried to pull away at first, but stopped when she placed her wings over him. After a moment, he even relaxed a bit, though he stayed curled up.
"Spike?" Cadance asked. She sighed at his lack of reply, then settled in more fully into the chair and on his side.
"You know, I bet this is what a mother chicken feels like when she lays an egg too large for her," she pretended to gripe, hugging onto Spike with her wings. "Then she has to figure out how to actually sit on it."
Spike remained silent for long enough that she thought he was either ignoring her, or just in a place he couldn't hear her.
Until he muttered something under his breath.
Eyebrow cocked, Cadance leaned down and put her ear to his lips. "Hmm?" she asked quietly.
Spike cleared his throat before muttering, "She would have to figure out how to sit again, first..."
Cadance let the air out of her lungs, letting a light chuckle rumble through her throat as she pressed the bottom of her muzzle against the top of his head, rubbing it back and forth over his scales.
"Ooo Spike, you can't scare an old pony like that," she breathed, warm feelings moving through her pelt as he relaxed and finally started hugging her back. "Even if it doesn't kill me, a heart attack would still hurt you know."
He pulled his head from his chest, flinching lightly when Cadance began to clean his face with a tissue. He waved his claw after it, until Cadance leaned back a bit and looked into his eyes. Quickly averting them, he let her clean the tears and snot from his face and chin before he let a bit of fire out of his nose at the tissue.
"Was this your first panic attack in a while?" she asked, gently taking his muzzle and pulling it to face her again.
"Ever since the growth," he said bluntly.
"But a while before that, right?" she pressed gently.
Spike scratched the side of his face, thinking. "Probably not for a couple months, since the falling out with Rarity. Before that though, a while. It's been a rough, what, half of a year," he snorted.
Cadance nodded, leaning forward and giving him a gentle kiss between his nostrils. "It would probably be best to stop for the day here. Are you okay with that?"
He nodded, wiping at a lingering bit of moisture caught between his eye and his muzzle.
"Alright Spike, then feel free to show up when you'd like to tomorrow. I've cleared my week to catch up on paperwork, so barring emergencies I'm here for you."
He nodded, then hesitated for a second before hugging her. She wrapped her forelimbs around him and squeezed tightly. She let go easily when he pulled away, and smiled and waved at him as he left.
Spike breathed deeply, closing his eyes and focusing on his breath's tempo as he leaned on the thick wooden door to Cadance's office. After a minute of clearing his mind, he shook his neck roughly and started walking away.
Wonder if she's already through with the zoo yet...
He nodded to himself, a half-seen pony he was walking past nodding back, as he let his thoughts wander to Fluttershy.
He paused as a familiar tickle started it's way up his throat, and he looked around to make sure he was alone before breathing an enveloped letter into his palm.
Confused, he twirled the letter in his claw and found it to be plain, unadorned by name or seal.
Using a claw, he pried the lip of the envelope away from the body of the postage, and froze. Shivers running up his back, he blew air harshly through his nose to carry the scent away before he roughly pulled the letter out.
An indigo ink proclaimed, simply, "I am on my way.
"Rarity"
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Oh snaps! An update! Huzzah!
Oh fuuuuuuuuuuu---
Curse you cliffhangers!
Welcome back
9794481
Never really left, just futzed around for too long. Many thanks to you as well, your blogs are the major reason I keep getting steam back
Welcome back
Just a roller coaster of emotions! Nice update!
The ride on the drama train shows no signs of stopping! Please continue soon!!!
Next chapter: violence!
I’ve had a panic attack before and let me tell that what you described was exactly what it was like for me all those years ago. Well done
9799428
Unfortunately I've had some first hand experience. How it didn't stir up anything bad for ya
9799755
No worries it was a long time ago back in my childhood
9807416
To clarify, Military courts do NOT prosecute civilians(possible exception of civilian contractors and those under military command, but even then they'd be prosecuted in civil/criminal court with any military contracts terminated.)
As a member of a military family Spike should know this. Shining DEFINITELY should have, and brought the point up.
9807416
My fault for making this less than clear. From what I've seen in circles of fanfic that I enjoy, pony rankings in the military and Noble house's rankings often align, usually in meaningless ways but sometimes due to useful members in the guard being given titles for their duties. Spike is as well as Celestia's... godson? I forget right now what their relationship is, but he definitely has some sort of title and therefore military connotations, even if they're only implied through ranking of house.
His size is whatever you'd prefer to imagine, of course. Personally, I see him as matching Big Mac in stature while he's much longer, due to his tail and lithe frame.
Flurry would be around a human's 14~16-year-old mental state, but horses and ponies grow faster than humans irl so I had no reason to stick with our personal growth rate. That said, Magical Horses would probably live longer than us, definitely the ones soaked in magic like the unicorns and the ones who course magic through their bodies as they work, the earth and pegasus ponies.
Sorry about having to go out of the story to explain all that, violates the show-don't-tell rule pretty hard, but I felt like clearing up a very valid complaint. Hope it didn't take this story off of a reading list for you