Always open to edit, usually no longer then a week, tops. I like to debate, watch Supernatural and Sherlock, and YouTube. (That's about it, really. I know. I'm really boring.)
Speeding Shadow will conquer the world with her terrible excuse for a southern accent and jokester attitude, starting with a certain someones' empire.
(Side note: It was two a.m. when I wrote this, apparently I was so tired that I wrote a story. I don't even remember writing this, tbh. Let's see how this turns out.)
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EDITS/COMMENTARY
I have no idea how the word colt relates to real horses, but colt for ponies means a male child. Stallion is used for male adults.
Immunity? Like, immunity from diseases, or does immunity mean something else that I didn't know about? I think you might have meant amnesty.
Don't capitalize he.
Needs a space there.
This should be with the last paragraph, because this isn't the other guy talking.
Same issue as above.
Same issue as the second comment.
When did ponies have earpieces? And when did they light up? (No, seriously, do real earpieces light up whenever audio's coming through them? Because that's pretty cool, and I'll also look for that whenever seeing someone talking to themselves before assuming they're crazy.)
Ahh should have one h.
When did you get married? Or is Speeding Shadow married, but you're not?
Is s/he a pony? That's a odd name for a pony.
Mare is the proper word for ponies.
Is the reader supposed to be confused, or is that because I'm sporadically reading this while flipping between tabs typing out edits?
Where are they? This isn't Equestria, for sure. You might want to clear this up earlier, but if that was intentional then I'm fine with that.
Should be stallion.
Should be foreleg for ponies, or just leg.
It'd be cool if you added some foreshadowing to this when Shadow saw this guy walk up.
Is this Daniel a pony too?
Should again be foreleg.
How would a pony shoot with hooves? The way I've seen stories get around this is in Fallout Equestria unicorns shoot with their magic and pegasi and earth ponies hold the gun with their mouths and pull the trigger back with their tongues.
Might want to add in their what the emotion in his voice was when he said his line.
I thought Shadow shot his shooting hoof.
You also might want to add the pain that's she's feeling right now, and where she got shot at.
That was fast. You should describe more of the fight.
Should be a comma between well and fine.
This is a job? And she hates it? You might want to foreshadow this earlier on in the story.
Overall, I thought it was pretty funny. Considering it is a short story, it makes sense that this isn't building up to something else, but you may want to hint a little at what her overall objective is in this mission. Some parts at times were a little confusing, but that might just be because I'm reading this about one paragraph at a time before commenting on something. That southern accent also added to the comedy of the story.
6739861 Thanks! I totally understand when you said some parts were difficult to understand, I didn't even know where I was going with this. Thanks for commenting
6743172 You're welcome.