Not much to say, into ponydom, bot mostly in the EG branch
Spoilers for S5 E23 (The mane event)
After Coloratura's concert at Ponyville and all the events before the presentation of Rara, she feels like she needs to clear some things off her head. Camp Friendship left her with many memories, and mos of them have something in common... A certain country orange pony.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Amazing job from one starting writer to the next
6662271
Wow, thanks for the feedback, Dragon Eye!
This is the very first story that I've tried to put together with some kind of logical order, so this means a lot to me (at least in writing fiction)
I'll try to get the second chapter as quickly as possible
Once again, thank you!
HOKAY. Let's get this started.
First problem: Unless you are deliberately playing with the fourth wall, you don't want to soeak to the audience directly too much, not even in the description. The parts in orange are flat out unnecessary. The bolded part could be shortened to "Spoilers for The Mane Event." Which leaves the core description--okay, but could be expanded and clarified as to where it happens in the timeline. You also misspelled Major, which is only mildly annoying, but you don't want misspellings on your description: It leaves the impression that the inside will be even worse.
The usual expression is either "wait up" or "wait up for me." "Wait me up" could be passed off as popstar personality tics, but without any sort of prep or explanation this feels out of place.
One: Could be one paragraph, since it's the same character doing things. Two: that she is there for flow, don't forget it.
Most of the other problems are just capitalization and missing punctuation. But these two, right at the beginning, highlight how the flow of the piece is somewhat broken. There should be an ebb back and forth between the characters, not a metronome since that's too regular, but a narrative focus. Still... your story is pretty good.
Great start so far. I can't wait to read more about Applejack and Rara's relationship.
I'll continue reading for now in hope's of seeing you improve.
Yes it's strange that I like to see the possess of an author getting better, from new to better than new (helps when I like the subject being written)
Oh my God Yes I love this