- Member Since 10th Mar, 2015
- offline last seen Sep 8th, 2023
Fiair Lighnen
Just another Brony reading and writing some pony stories.
Fiair Lighnen
Joined 10th Mar, 2015 ·
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This was rather interesting, however i cringed a lot during some of these parts. For instance you used the lame 'Trip over something when horror follows closely' cliche. Basically I disliked how Recruit died because of Rookie's over-the-top clumsiness. Also you repeated the same line over and over: 'How can I lose so many ponies' as if you are trying to add some kind of emotion to your rather dull character. However the rest of the story was intriguing enough for me to press on, but some of the deaths of the Zeta squad seemed rushed, especially for my taste. Like Loud Mouth's death for example. Boom, Cussed and splattered. Adding that moment of time to my Cringe-Worthy List.
The best part though that I loved about this short horror story was that twist of an ending. I LOVED IT! It ended it in a way that will leave anybody with a gaping mouth for a reaction. Nice job with that!
Overall good story to read, despite how I disliked the way it all played out like a cheesy horror flick. Ending was great. You should make more stories like this with of course some of the obvious changes.
6661361 Yeah, I guess I was hesitant on making real connections on the characters knowing what I was going to do. A mistake on my part, but I shall learn from it.
I'm glad that you enjoyed it regardless.
And, I apologize for the delayed response.
I have no idea thus far if all characters are just introduced with their name after a line of dialogue, no verb included, but it has proved highly distracting for me during my reading.
Usually there is at least a little time to establish relationships among doomed characters in a horror story. But I see you skipped right ahead to the grueling murders, which was rather shocking at least. Good work on that description. But it would have been nice to be shown that the protagonist and victim #1 were best friends, rather than told.
That line just does not work. It was just too hard to believe that this veteran crusader, who could not even remember this character's name, would say that. I can get the desire not to lose any more troops, but a better line in light of that would be "You've got to stay with us until we can get you medical help."
While I was expecting a downer ending, I was certainly not expecting it to pan out that way. I thought that nothing more would be revealed about the monster, but you certainly had an inventive way of explaining it. However, the horror value is diminished by some trite characterization and more than a few immersion-breaking lines.