Please get someone to check your grammar.

6620781 Does this site have a grammar and spell check? Because I did try to find all my mistakes.

6620814 It has a spell check, but look. Let me show you, all mistakes will be highlighted in bold.

Your short summary:

(displace fic) She betray me and friends. Put me in stone. Sway me under rug like other foes. Now that I'am free. I will show her and her foes the reason why you don't piss off a Element of Insanity

Your long summary:

(displace fic)
I thought the rumours about people disappearing in cons was just stories. But when I went to London Comic-con as a Equestria Girls version of Rainbine from the Elements of Insanity I met a shady merchant. He sold me the arm gun that Rainbine uses most along with two action figures of animatronics from fnaf 2. Next thing I knew I am in Equestria with the EG Rainbow Dash still awake in my head that I can talk to.
I join the Equestrian army to help them win the war with the griffins. But then that Bitch Celestia betray me and my friends by putting me in stone.
So now she is now on my list of people to put a bullet in.
But I'am not only Element of Insanity that wants payback.

Awful first impression.
To say nothing of the plot. Do you really, really think that what this site needs is another cookie-cutter Displaced fic? Because it doesn't.

Well, this certainly is not passing contributor reviewing.

6620837 Will it a idea I wanted to write.

As for plot in the future chapters. Will Rainbine's group and Fluttershout's group are going to hunt down foes that Celestia or the Mane six have defeated and kill them. After that they or going after Celestia.

6620866 If you want to point out the mistakes be my guess. Because I have a editor wanted blog up for a reason.

6620935

Will it a idea I wanted to write.

Before you write, at least learn the basics of the English language.

As for plot in the future chapters. Will Rainbine's group and Fluttershout's group are going to hunt down foes that Celestia or the Mane six have defeated and kill them. After that they or going after Celestia.

Sounds pretty much like every displaced fic with characters switched out. With Celestia made the bad guy for no good reason.

6621000 Celestia is a racist.

6621006 Do you have any canon proof of that?

6621011 Not in the canon. I mean the Celestia in my story in racist.

6621018 That's the problem right there. What you've done is made her OOC, Out of Character. Literally just to give your 'hero' an antagonist. That is a big no-no.

If you want a racist, prejudiced monarch, create one. Don't take a benevolent ruler like Celestia and make her dance on puppetstrings to do things she wouldn't do. Make, say I don't know, them fall into a merpony kingdom ruled by a racist siren. Throw them into Zebrica and have them knock heads with a giraffe queen.

If you need a character to be something, and there isn't one, then the solution isn't to make an existing character OOC, it's to make a new one.

People still write this shit?

6621028 Other displaced writers had written Celestia out of character so why can't I?

6621050 Then stamp AU on this, because it certainly ain't fucking canon.

I'am 120% Cooler!

It's either I am or I'm. You're using contractions wrong. Also nitpicking here: The line is "20% cooler." Unless you're implying that you are 120% cooler (Which doesn't even make sense), I'd sort your title out.

I thought the rumours about people disappearing in cons was just stories.

Badly written contrived ones.

Whack!

Okay, okay, I take it back. Yeesh.

But when I went to London Comic-con

I'll give you credit, it's at least a decently unique location.

as a Equestria Girls version of Rainbine from the Elements of Insanity

Don't you mean "Human"? Okay, the costume was based off of her design in EqG, but still.

Also who is Rainbine? What are the Elements of Insanity? I know this is a MLP site, but it doesn't mean you can just throw things like that in there without context. Not everyone knows what The Elements of Insanity are.

I met a shady merchant.

cliché as fuck. Every other Displaced fic starts like this. It's no wonder the entire genre is hated by most people.
I believe there are no bad ideas, only bad authors, (To a certain extent.) but that requires authors to put EFFORT into their fics rather than use the single biggest cliché in the book.

He sold me the arm gun that Rainbine uses most along with two action figures of animatronics from fnaf 2

...
FNAF?
No fucking comment. It's nearly as bad as a sign as Displaced is.

Next thing I knew I am in Equestria with the EG Rainbow Dash still awake in my head that I can talk to.

God, don't tell me you're ripping off Dash of Humanity? I liked that story.

I join the Equestrian army to help them win the war with the griffins. But then that Bitch Celestia betray me and my friends by putting me in stone.

Maybe because you're a gun toting maniac OC? I'm just saying.

So now she is now on my list of people to put a bullet in.

But I'am not only Element of Insanity that wants payback.

Oh god, not MORE Elements of Insanity that I don't know about because you didn't explain!
Also you used I'am again.

Just the description has made me put this into my WTF Shelf. It's that cliché yet somehow manages to make innovations in being terrible.

For the love of god, please get an editor. You need one. I understand if English isn't your first language, but that just means you have to get someone to edit this.

I'm not even getting into the story. I'm sorry, but in a Displaced story is the sign to leave right now. I've seen my fair share of Displaced fics and this isn't going to be that high quality.
Hell, this could be the next Fallout: Equestria and no one would read it due to the awful first impression that is the title and description.

TL;DR Get an editor and maybe scrap this entire story. Displaced as a genre is already saturated with this type of story and is why it's usually considered a bad genre.

I'm not saying that you should stop writing, I'm saying that you should be writing something OTHER than this.

6621050

Other displaced writers had written Celestia out of character so why can't I?

Because writing her out of character - writing anyone out of character - is bad and they shouldn't have done it either. DIsplaced writers tend not to be what you'd call 'good role models' when it comes to writing.

I mean, this brings to mind the old question of 'If your friends all jumped off a bridge would you join them?'.

6621070 No I wouldn't.

Anyone I am going to write up plans for future chapters now.

6621066 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTEBgkbhVbU 3:20 that where I got the name for story and what the Elements of Insanity are. Plus I have a editor wanted blog up because I know I need an editor.

Holy shit in a god damn bed bug is that the least coherent story synopsis I have ever had the displeasure of reading.

I mean, what the hell is half of what you're saying mean? Raindbine? Elements of Insanity?

Your story image is what I assume is 'Rainbine', but to anyone else is just looks like you took EG rainbow and slapped some neon green of her, gave her some vocaloid headphones, and a gun from the anime "Strike Witches"

All in all, It sucks, and that is not even getting into the nitty gritty here.

You have my attention, this looks to be a promising story.

I'll give it a read soon, but right now I'm busy getting a Co written story done. I'll definitely give it a read though.

6621221 Thanks.

6621121 Story synopsis, a synapse is something very different, I normally wouldn't correct complain but the fact that you're giving off about the bad writing...

6621248 No problem also, I heard you were in need of an editor from the displaced group post. I'm one of the first official Displaced Editors, so if the option is still open, I can help.

oh no it is the element of cancer

6621255 Yes you can help me with his fic. :pinkie happy: And maybe you could help me with my "Somebody stop me!" fic.

I'm LeoneHaxor. I remember it so you don't have to. Today, we're looking at the synopsis of... "I'am 120% Cooler!"

(here we go)

First and foremost, your use of contractions. It's either "I am" or "I'm" - I noticed that you used "I'am" for the title of your Eggman fic a while back, and apparently no one pointed that out between them and now.

Secondly, the whole "go to a convention, meet the Merchant" shebang. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but the Displaced admins (MidnightChaos/FlutterWitch in particular) are getting tired of the overuse of that character. If you came up with a new Displacer, that might get you some points with the review board.

Let's get to the meat of the thing:

I thought the rumours about people disappearing in cons was just stories. But when I went to London Comic-con as Equestria Girls version of Rainbine from the Elements of Insanity I met a shady merchant. He sold me the arm gun that Rainbine uses most along with two action figures of animatronics from fnaf 2. Next thing I knew I am in Equestria with the Equestria Girls Rainbow Dash still awake in my head who I can talk to.

I join the Equestrian army to help them win the war with the Griffins. But then that bitch Celestia betray me and my friends by putting me in stone.

So now she is now on my list of people to take out.

But I am not only Element of Insanity that has the same list.

(editor wanted)

...not one word into the story itself, and I can see why you want an editor.

Now I'm not saying that I'm a master of writing descriptions for my stories, but I can see that this is one of the descriptions that invites a downvote hurricane. Let's break this down.

I thought the rumours about people disappearing in cons was just stories./quote]

Now, in the Displaced canon (as far as I remember) the Displaced are all taken from separate universes. Some props have been featured in other stories for Shout Outs, but it's rare that Displacement happens more than once in any given universe. Then again, I'm not the Lorist, so feel free to ask if I'm wrong.

But when I went to London Comic-con as Equestria Girls version of Rainbine from the Elements of Insanity I met a shady merchant.

...this comes across as a bit of a hot mess. There's no punctuation apart from the period at the end, and the structure of the sentence is rocky at best. I had to read this over several times in order to process the information, which is never a good sign.

He sold me the arm gun that Rainbine uses most

Pretty solid as far as this goes...

along with two action figures of animatronics from fnaf 2

...and you began circle-jerking FNaF. Great.

I personally enjoy the series, but we've got Golden Freddy and his animatronic 'children', Freddy Fasbear and Friends, at least two damn Springtraps that aren't in either of those stories.

Next thing I knew I am in Equestria with the Equestria Girls Rainbow Dash still awake in my head who I can talk to.

Admittedly, the flow of this sentence is virtually nonexistent, but it's not a bad concept to have a mental co-pilot riding around with the protagonist. I think that you could take that a step further by having Rainbine's personality rattling around in there as well, but there's another thought that occurred to me.

If you were implying that your protagonist has taken over her body and RD's in one of those And I Must Scream situations, interesting plot choice on your end.

I join the Equestrian army to help them win the war with the Griffins. But then that bitch Celestia betray me and my friends by putting me in stone.

Tabling the obvious issues with tense agreements, it seems a bit self-explanatory why Celestia would go for the Medusa Option. Your character is implied to have called herself an Element of Insanity, killed swathes of griffons, has a pair of metal murder machines at her beck and call, and has a fucking laser gun on her arm in the Equestrian equivalent of the medieval ages. If anything, she should have planned for that outcome.

So now she is now on my list of people to take out.

So you're using the 'Kill the Bitch that Stoned Me' trope.

But I am not only Element of Insanity that has the same list.

So you've got another player on the field, huh? What, is it another Displaced? The whole 'Same franchise' Displaced has been done since the early days of Kat Shifter, but it's decidedly underused as far as Displaced plot points go. You may have potential with this story element, but it all comes down to execution.

Overall, this story has potential, but seriously needs someone to assist with...well, a lot of things, honestly. It overuses already tired cliches, uses the Merchant YET AGAIN, and the general spelling and grammar seriously needs improvement.

I'm LeoneHaxor. I remember it so you don't have to.

6621412 Actually I was planing on using a new displacer. The clue about this new displacer is at the last part of this chapter. Also Dark Lord Kirito has offer his help to edit this story and accept his help. ^^

6621412 Also Fluttershout and her friend are also Displace.

You GOTTA be kidding me right? English isn't my first language either, but even I can tell this is, well embarrassing. I know it's difficult to learn another language, I've been there, but jeez, simple grammar isn't hard!

6621777 Okay, look: I admit that this isn't the BEST I've seen in terms of grammar or spelling...but don't be a dick about it. He's asking for a damn editor so he can fix it, and no one comes up with a perfect first draft.

6621820 Fair enough. I didn't mean to be blunt.

6621837

You GOTTA be kidding me right? English isn't my first language either, but even I can tell this is, well embarrassing. I know it's difficult to learn another language, I've been there, but jeez, simple grammar isn't hard!

I don't know how anyone got that impression.

6622054 Touchè.

6622079 I personally find it interesting how TCB fics are popping up in the Similar tab. Particularly, redskin's short-lived Supernatural crossover and the Trevor/Spectrum spinoff.

6622124 Perhaps since this one is TBC, it pulled some other ones?

6622124 Wow, that was a real empty response. I take that back actually, I guess I just sort of expected you to hate me.

6622167 If this was a Displaced story with The Conversion Bureau universe, it would actually make a bit of sense. EQG Rainbine being Celestia's only frame of reference for the human race would be pure Paranoia Fuel for the poor mare.

And if she learned that the Merchant and other Void Dwellers had a habit of exclusively Displacing humans to Equestria, she could be Potioning the hell out of Earth out of a Well-Intentioned Extremist attempt to keep similar OP psychopaths from running amok in other Equestrias. Again, she was dealing with an Element of Insanity here.

Hell, why has no one done that yet, anyway? That sounds like it'd make for a pretty kickass story.

6621249 Whoops, I didn't realize that I put that there. Psychology class made me think of a synapse instead of a synopsis which, in my defense look and sound similar.

6622218 Defending Equestria and it's alternate versions from psychopathic void dwellers? I'd read that.

Good grammar and an interesting concept, I don't know what all the hate's about. Just haters being haters I guess.

Can you do more please

7128733 working on it

Before I could react the cupcake exploded and covered everypony in the vault in cake batter. After I wiped some of the batter off my face so I can see. When I do, I stare in wide eyed horror at what I am seeing. Every last cake in the vault was destroyed. My anger for my destroyed cakes and knowledge of who did it was building. I stomped my front hooves on the ground hard, before raising them up to the air and shouted in rage with the Royal Canterlot Voice.

Ha! That's what you get for betraying yet another displaced.

10374501
Yep karma

“Of course you can Toy Chica. Just put it in the cake section of the vault.” I told her with a manic grin while Rainbow and Toy Bonnie giggled at what Toy Chica meant by ‘leaving a present’.

I finally found a fic where we're against Celestia

11111979

^^