- Member Since 9th Oct, 2015
- offline last seen Jun 1st, 2017
KorgiKardigan
Just a dork who writes when given prompts
KorgiKardigan
Joined 9th Oct, 2015 ·
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This story, in my opinion, quite interesting and very sweet in its self. It's brief and too the point but is don't very well. Have a like; this story is one of my faverites!
There are just a few grammatical errors:
At is with
Her obsidian she's clicked against the path and she nudged her nephew along with her wing.
Get rid of the with.
Wow. That was sweet. And awesome.
I really like how you handled this prompt! Some people have trouble trying to write a story that reforms Blueblood, but you got everything spot on. He learned from someone wiser, had a push in the right direction, and we can see that he's still on his way. It's not an instant reform, but the first step, and the ambiguity at the end seals the story nicely. Well done! Have a fave and a like!
But now I feel compelled to nitpick the grammar in this story.
Let's do this.
*puts on Grammar Nazi helmet*
Numbers are written out, so this should be:
This shows up in another place too.
Should be:
If a pair of quotation marks surrounds a sentence/paragraph, and the sentence would normally end in a period, a comma is used in place of a period if there is a, "he said" or "she said" immediately after the quote closes. Also, the "he said" "she said" is never capitalized. Never
Not sure if I explained that clearly... but what's the fun in making sense?
Feel free to tell me if that was confusing.
Uh... perhaps there's a better way of saying that? "Out of the zone" is something people say, but IT DOES NOT BELONG IN NARRATION OR FORMAL WRITING!
You may be new to the site, but you definitely have some writing skill. I could barely find any problems with this story grammatically or otherwise.
Again, well done!
6617927
Thank you for the critique. I'll be sure to watch out for that next time!
I like how Luna acts in this. She doesn't seem to be moping about her past actions, but standing tall like she's fully moved on, not dwelling in the past, but never forgetting it as well.
But I was never the biggest fan of Blueblood realizing his mistakes. I always like imagining him as a complete jerk, and the butt of every joke. Like comic relief, and that one character you want to get rid of, but you can't.
But still, I'm giving this a thumbs up!
Luna forgets one thing. The roses don't actively look for hurt, but they don't want to be bothered either. The thorns are there to keep itself safe. Those that go after the roses are the ones risking the thorns and if they get pricked it's their own fault...not the rose's.
These are two characters that I don't often see interact, and yet there are good possibilities to be had from featuring them together. Nicely done!
6618424 Blueblood is the one who approached and struck up the conversation with Rarity while she was admiring a rose bush. He saw a mare who was interested in him, picked her up and assumed that she be thrilled to be with him no matter how he behaved.
6618857 Rarity when to the Gala for the sole purpose of meeting Blueblood and getting him to fall head-over-heels over her. Plus, she went out to that garden because Blueblood did. It was Rarity's own fault. With all the gossip columns she used to read, she should have found something about Blueblood other then him being a prince.
6618986
It was not Rarity's own fault at all... That's blaming the victim. By that logic, a person is entitled to treat anyone who is interested in dating them like crap.
The only person responsible for bad behavior is the one who behaved that way.
6619104
6618986
I think they're both at fault.
Rarity was trying to attract Blueblood for status/appearance instead of anything substantial.
He was a jerk.
Rarity was being very short-sighted.
He was a jerk.
Rarity learned that having class doesn't make one classy.
Blueblood should be hanged for mistreatment of a lady.
See? Both are equally at fault here!
6619104 If you go looking to date a celebrity for no other reason than that person is a celebrity, AND that celebrity is known as a jerk, yet you didn't know that (and could have easily found out), then, yes, you do deserve to be treated like crap.
6619242 Hanged? Seriously? No.
6619305
Fine...
OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!!
Oh yeah, and have Rarity subjected to three straight days of Twilight Friendship Lecture Time.
6619242 Rarity learned nothing.
A few seasons later, she acts the same way towards Trenderhoof.
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To be fair to them both, Rarity read his articles before they met and Trenderhoof really wasn't a jerk. It wasn't that she found out she didn't like who he was, because she did know this time. She just wasn't his type. Just like he wasn't Applejack's.
Me gustaría que le hubiera dicho que Rarity era una trepadora.
and