• Member Since 7th Nov, 2015
  • offline last seen Dec 15th, 2015

YoshisDeepDungeon


Alt Account to TheYoshiTerminator, this is where my Hypnotic Fetish fics go

Comments ( 32 )

so who is next?

6697884 This is a one shot.......

6698280 ok can you make a sequels of this one?

6698288 No, this was stand alone story, but I have plans for other stories.

6698311 I don't wanna say anything now, because I wouldn't expect for a while, but they're gonna be multi chapter, FILLED with hypnosis & clop.

6698332 Nope, nothing personal, but you need to work on your grammar, punctuation, and other things.

6698339 you know what PM is right.

6698352 Personal Message, I've messaged you before.

6698355 yes and can you tell me what are you idea are?
6698299
6698329

6698364 Nope, I want them to be a surprise.

The concept is fine.

The grammar and punctuation need a lot of work, though.

6699291 Let me guess...... Too many commas?

6699519

More than that. For example, in the first sentence you have this:

Fluttershy sighed, Rarity was later than normal. .

There are 2 periods for no good reason.

She Slapped herself,

Slap is capitalized for no reason.

Um, Excuse me miss?

Excuse is capitalized for no reason.



These kinds of mistakes are all over the story. You should go over it again and try to correct them. Perhaps you should get additional editors.

6699570 There, I went through and fixed some, but probably not all. :derpytongue2:

Sorry, but I'm like post my story, then have people point what I fucked up, though I really should get into the habit of actually reading my story in full.:twilightsheepish::trollestia:

If you're going to copy my story, the least you could do is give credit.

6700449 ok, my friend said that it might be too similar, which is why I tried to make it as different as possible, I guess I failed.:twilightsheepish::derpytongue2:

6701653

Thank you. :twilightsmile:

The lines of words are a bit too close together. I was wondering if you could space it out a bit please.

6702879 I don't really understand......

6702898
The whole story looks like this...

Fluttershy sighed, Rarity was later than normal. The two usually had their spa appointment at 8, but she was a half hour late now! She could only imagine what must have come up to keep Rarity away from her...
She slapped herself, “Stop being selfish!”
“Um, excuse me miss?” said a voice that interrupted Fluttershy’s self inflicted punishment. She looked up, awkwardly eying the platinum blonde spa mare as she smiled down at Fluttershy.

Could you make it look like this...

Fluttershy sighed, Rarity was later than normal. The two usually had their spa appointment at 8, but she was a half hour late now! She could only imagine what must have come up to keep Rarity away from her...

She slapped herself, “Stop being selfish!”

“Um, excuse me miss?” said a voice that interrupted Fluttershy’s self inflicted punishment. She looked up, awkwardly eying the platinum blonde spa mare as she smiled down at Fluttershy.

This story needs more overhauling than Fluttershy apparently just received... I would highly recommend getting another editor to sit down and grind through it with you.

By far my favorite part has to be the choice to put the ear rings back in! A few grammatical issues here and there but otherwise a good read!

“Oh!” Fluttershy blushed as her wings expanded.

Is this story human or anthro?

7866105 but the tag says human.

7867970 blame the writer I guess

Fluttershy obliged and relaxed, she wanted this and she knew it.

What? How could she want it? She'd only had the procedure thrust upon her five seconds before, with NO time to think about it and come to a reasoned decision. But, y'know, porn.

“Wait what?!” Fluttershy called out. “Excuse me, um miss robotic voice thingy, but I don't want you to modify my body.” At this point is when Fluttershy starts squirming and resisting, but to no avail.
“Please stop moving and relax, please don't make us use Extra reinforces.”
That made Fluttershy stop, she had to accept it, and hoped Twilight knew a spell to fix whatever this makeover will do to her body.

At this point, everything should've ceased. But, y'know, porn.

Then, water started pouring out of the hose,

The hands kept on scrubbing and stroking through Fluttershy's hair, bringing more pleasure, satisfaction and relaxation.

Soon the all of the liquid in the syringes entered Fluttershy’s breasts,

Fluttershy could hear all of the arms retracting

Some of the errors I noticed other than the spacing errors.

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