Working for royalty is never easy, it becomes even harder when said royalty is trying to get me to marry their daughter who hates me for some reason. It becomes almost impossible when my neighbors want me for themselves. I hate this planet.
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What is this a crossover of?
6882814 Whoops, seems like my boredom typing and clicking has added something that doesn't belong! Thanks for finding that.
What is the worst that can happen?
Everyone ..and I mean everyone knows to NEVER ask that question
More!!!!!
I would like to see more of this pls.
Thou just had to say it, didn't thou Ian? Thou just needed to invoke Murphy, the God of Narrative Doom, what? I hope it was worth it, Ian...
you just had to say didn't you
Oh, I don't know. Maybe it isn't a dream? Maybe the place is a pain in the ass to get to? Or perhaps -my personal favorite- the world you're currently in happens to follow literary rules such as Murphy's Law, in which case you just screwed yourself over big time.
Now see, when the protagonist actually thinks he's in a dream, the 'what could possibly go wrong' line actually comes off as a bit endearing. Cheers.
You fucking idiot.
6882814
6883008 Crossed over with Ian the Outsider, good series man
7114408. Thou sounder like our princess Luna before she was banished to thy moon.
Christ. youve got potential, but you need an editor.
7955973 i wholly agree with this guy
Hmm, I don't know. There are a lot of sentences that need coma's, a period, and the removal of repetitive words.
"When I was scaling the mountain I saw several trees growing off the side of the road and to my surprise carved into the bark of the tree from the roots connecting to the mountain all the way to top was stairs was a small house. At first, I thought I was just seeing some crazy shit but as I got closer while walking up the path I saw that it was indeed a house although it looked pretty rundown."
This hurt my eyes.
"When I scaled the mountain, I saw several trees growing off the side of the road. To my surprise, from the bark down to the root, the trees connected to the mountain all the way to the top where a small house rested. At first, I thought I was seeing some crazy shit. It wasn't every day you saw a house on top of a tree, even if it looked pretty run down."
That's a little better, but I urge you to get an editor.
*Cough* Edwin and Lilac *Cough*
Going on a quest after 5 minute infodump eh? Yep, no way this could go wrong.
...How does someone walk that long without realizing or at least checking if they're awake? Seriously, he went up a mountain! His discomfort and tiredness during the long trek should have alerted him that something was off. Yet, although he "knew" he was in a dream, he didn't try to use dream powers at all to speed up the trek? No flying, teleporting, or even simply removing his fatigue?
Also, I know this has already been said, but you need an editor. At some points I can't tell if this story is trying to be past or present tense. You seem to swap between the two, which can get confusing.
Another thing. I'd recommend italicizing direct thoughts from the protagonist. It's not necessary, but it sort of cleans things up a bit. Here's an example:
Below is the italicized version:
(I removed some run-on's and changed a few other things to this as well. It was mainly grammar issues. I also separated the last part for comedic effect.)
👐multiverse👐 (now with jazz hands)
8535915
It works for Link when Zelda blabbers at him.
Careful, or you'll get the Curse of Murphy.
How tall is a griffon compared to him?
I hear Murphy in the distance
*Murphy law has entered the chat*
Thou are a fuckend moron.
11462233
I would want Murphy law as my lawyer. He sounds like a decent man.
Oh god the run on sentences
Why is he...asking that?