Hiding the Witchcraft
“...not to return to the other world until I give you leave. Your loving mentor, princess Celestia.” Spike raised an eyebrow. “Well, that was nice and cryptic. And how are we going to deal with three extra Cutie Mark Crusaders if--”
“Snooty Snark Invaders,” Scootaloo corrected him. She was sulking over her lack of bits falling from the sky, sitting on the library couch.
“Well, here they’re called Cutie Mark Crusaders.” The dragon rolled his eyes, putting the scroll away. “You can’t expect everything to be identical.”
“Ah’ll take care of Apple Bloom,” Applejack announced without a second thought, wrapping a hoof around the yellow filly. “An Apple’s an Apple, no matter what universe they come from.”
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea. Can you imagine what would happen if she met our Apple Bloom?” Twilight shook her head. “No, I think that I should watch her. I have a spare room in the library.”
“Don’t Ah get a say in this?” Apple Bloom asked.
The purple unicorn sighed. “You’re right. Even if we have to hide you from everypony, you should have some input on where you reside.”
“I Want To Live With RarITy.” Sweetie Belle walked up to the fashionista with a smile. “EVen If She’s Not My RarITy, She ReMinds Me Of Home.”
“Oh, that’s so nice of you...” Rarity smiled gently.
“And you do live alone,” Twilight conceded, “which works out well.”
“You Live ALone?” The unicorn filly looked up at her sister’s alternate in alarm. “What About Your SisTer?”
“Oh, she still lives with mother and father.”
“But I Thought They Died!”
Rarity winced. “Well... apparently not in this world...”
“Hey wait!” Scootaloo jumped up. “If your parents didn’t die here, maybe mine didn’t either! I could go find them and--”
Rainbow Dash coughed awkwardly. “Er... You’re an orphan here too kid. Sorry...”
“...oh.”
“But you can stay with me!” she added quickly. “I don’t have anypony else at my place, and I got plenty of room so it should be cool.”
“Wow really? A real house!”
There was an awkward pause as all the adult ponies rewired their thought process.
“Oh you poor thing.” Fluttershy hugged Scootaloo tightly. “Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you’ll never go homeless again.”
“WHOA HEY I’m perfectly fine being homeless don’t kill me!” The orange filly struggled in the yellow pegasus’s grasp.
“What? I--I would never--”
Pinkie jumped between them. “Hey! So Scootaloo I was thinking maybe you and the other Cutie oh sorry Snooty Snark Invaders should get new names while you’re here so we don’t confuse you with our versions of you! So I’m thinking maybe we should call you Skateboard Screech and then Apple Bloom can be I don’t know Malus Domestica no that doesn’t work how about Orchard Seeds and we can call Sweetie Belle Chime Wonders!”
“That’s... actually a good idea, Pinkie!” Twilight stared at her friend. “How do you do that?”
“Do what?”
The unicorn held up a hoof, paused, then shook her head. “Never mind. Anyway, we still need to find a place for Apple --Orchard Seeds.”
The little filly rolled her eyes. “So long as it’s not with tha dragon, Ah’m okay with anything. OW!” She rubbed the back of her head, looking at her elder sister...’s alternate. “What the hay was that for?”
“We don’t insult people cause they’re different.” Applejack snorted. “Ah don’t know what ya’ll learned at yer place, but here it’s wrong. Got it?”
Orchard Seeds stared at her in disbelief. “...Wow. This place really IS different.”
Fluttershy had managed to recover from Skateboard Screech’s random accusation. “Um, well, if you’d like to stay with me, I could--”
“Nothanksyouhavealottadoalready!” Orchard backed up, giving Fluttershy a very wide grin. “Allhaillordsmooze!”
“Lord who?”
There was a moment when all the foals in the room had to rewire their thoughts.
“You Have Not Heard Of Lord Smooze?” Chime Wonders stared in amazement.
“No...?” Fluttershy curled up, uncomfortable at the attention. “Should I have?”
The three otherworlders exchanged glances.
“...Invaders huddle!” Orchard commanded. The adults jumped back as the fillies gathered in a group some distance away, whispering rapidly to each other.
Scootaloo popped her head up briefly. “Is Fluttershy half dragon?”
“What? No!” Rainbow scoffed. “Both her parents are ponies!”
“How would that even work?” Rarity added. “Er... no offense Spike, I mean if it could work I might--”
“Don’t worry, I get it.” Spike fidgeted uncomfortably. “It’s not like I haven’t wondered a bit.”
As the two of them stared at the ceiling, more mysterious whispering emanated from the huddle. Eventually, they broke apart and Orchard Seeds cleared her throat. “In order ta keep a low profile, Ah have decided ta reside in tha Apple Family cellar. Thar is an Apple Family Cellar, ain’t thar?”
“Well, yes.” Applejack gave Orchard Seeds an odd look. “Is that yer only reason fer choosing tha cellar?”
“Kinda sorta maybe.”
“Well, that’s all sorted out.” Twilight looked around. “Now we just have to figure out how to get them to their new homes without anypony noticing. I can teleport Swe--Chime Wonders to her room, but the other two--”
“Fastest Flyer in Equestria,” Rainbow reminded her. “Blink and you’ll miss it.”
“I can take care of Orchard!” Pinkie added, bouncing. “I know a lot of super-secret ways--”
“No breaking tha laws of time and space!” Orchard interjected.
“Okay then, I know a few super secret ways around Ponyville!”
Everypony older than ten stared at her in surprise.
“...You can break the laws of time and space?”
“Nope!” Pinkie giggled, placing a hoof on Twilight’s nose. “It’s illegal, silly filly! That’s why they’re LAAAAAAAAAWS.”
“Well At Least Some Things Are ConSisTent,” Chime Wonders observed.
“Wait, what do you...?” Twilight sighed. “You know what, forget it. I’ll ask later. Chime, get over here. I’ll drop you and Rarity off at Carousel Boutique.” The unicorns clustered together obediently, and in a flash they were gone.
Rainbow rolled her eyes. “Hey, Scoots--Skates, ride me.”
“Hey, I like you but I’m not legal.”
“Wha--?” The blue pegasus blushed furiously. “No! I mean get on my back, I’m taking you to my home! How do you even know about that stuff?!”
The filly shrugged. “With Twilight around, you learn fast.” She hopped onto the blushing Pegasus’s back, wrapping her hooves round the chest. “I could tell you about some things that--”
“Nope, not hearing this.” The two of them darted out the door at sonic speeds; a few of the ponies outside glanced up, before shrugging and returning to their lives.
Applejack rolled her eyes, turning to Orchard Seeds--and yelped in surprise as a pink visage entered her view. “Pinkie!”
“Jackie!”
“What tha hay?!”
“Are you ready for an adventure, AJ?” The party pony seemed deathly serious.
“...aren’t we supposed ta take Orchard ta tha barn cellar?”
“That’s what I was asking about,” Pinkie explained casually.
“What.”
Pinkie opened her mouth, then paused. “You know what, never mind. Better to just show you.” She grabbed the farmpony and filly, darting down into Twilight’s basement. There were some strange noises, and then silence.
Spike glanced at Fluttershy, who was still on the couch, staring at nothing. “...You okay?”
“...They thought I would kill them...”
“Hey, they think I’m a worthless freak of nature.” The dragon shrugged. “Obviously our alternates aren’t anything like us.”
The pegasus smiled at him, wrapping him in a hug. “They aren’t, are they? Thanks...”
***
“...and your room is upstairs, darling, although I suggest that you try your best to keep it as is.” The fashionista tossed her mane gently. “My parents have an unfortunate habit of dropping Sweetie Belle off at rather random intervals, and I wouldn’t want to upset her by having a random doll out of place.”
“I Will Try My Best.”
The unicorn gently mussed up the little filly’s mane and absently noted how like silk it was. “Do you need anything special? I mean, do you have any issues with water, or--?”
“Rarity!” Twilight snapped. “We shouldn’t--” Her eyes darted furtively at Chime Wonders, trying to find a way to communicate what she had to say without saying it.
“How Did You Know The WaTer Made Me FeEl FunNy?”
“Well, you are a r--”
With a flash of her horn, the scholar zipped up her friend’s lips quite literally. Ignoring the extremely offended glare from her friend, she gave the filly a smile. “Rarity and I need to have a little chitchat. Big girl talk.”
“Oh, So You Two Are Friends With BenIFits?” Chime Wonders tilted her head. “I Guess It Worked Out In This UnIVerse.”
The two adults stared at her.
“What? What Did I Say?”
“....okay, never mind, that’s Rarity’s conversation. But no, we are not. I just need to chat with her for a little bit, kay?” Twilight pushed the other unicorn into the kitchen. “You just stay there and don’t eavesdrop!” She shut the door, leaving Chime Wonders in the middle of a boutique all by herself.
This was not a unique experience.
Chime Wonders let her gaze drift around the room, idly noting the angles of the walls and measuring out various distances. Interesting... this room was exactly three point seven three two square feet larger in floorspace then its alternate in her reality. Small details like that... she didn’t know if they were comforting, knowing she’d never forget home, or if they were just a tad creepy. Maybe they could be both...
Huh. Apparently her alternate had used gemstones shaped like dragon’s scales instead of raccoon blood. That made sense, seeing as Lord Smooze had not yet touched this world. Or maybe he had and somehow...? Chime Wonders resolved to hit the history books as soon as she had an hour spare.
“Bored Now. EnGage Stealth InForMaTion GaTherIng ProToCol.” She trotted over to the door, pressing an ear against it.
“...wouldn’t understand! They have these ‘soul detecting’ machines that quote unquote prove robots don’t have souls!”
“Twilight, that makes no sense. How can a machine--?”
“I haven’t dissected one, but I’m pretty sure it just checks for organic matter. Made by the government to support their propaganda. The point is, every filly and colt has it drilled in that robots are soulless monsters that go on existential rampages. Whether or not it’s true doesn’t matter, it’s just what they believe.”
“But that hardly seems fair! Chime Wonders is a sweet little filly even if she has wires under her skin. I for one wouldn’t treat anypony, no, anybody any different no matter what they were.”
Wires? The young unicorn looked at her hooves. Did they really think she was...?
“Yes, but they would. That’s the point. That’s why we have to change them, but we can’t do that yet! Argh... you know what, remember the love poison thing?”
“Yes darling, and--”
“Shortcut to love. Didn’t work out. You want a shortcut to tolerance, and I don’t think that would end well... All I’m saying is don’t tell Chime she’s a robot yet. She’s not mature enough to handle it.”
The filly backed away from the door, staring at it in horror. No. No, that...
...that...
...explained a lot.
She stood on the model stage, looking at the mannequins. Hmm. Well. Part of her realized she was in shock, distracting herself with idle observations, but most of her was examining them for stitchwork. Maybe if she learned how they worked, she could fix her skin if the issue ever came up.
Whether or not it’s true doesn’t matter, it’s just what they believe.
I for one wouldn’t treat anypony, no, anybody any different no matter what they were.
“One Lives One’s Death, One Dies One’s Life...”
Maybe this world was better than the other one.
How did they realize I was a robot anyway? I mean in retrospect it was obvious but they had to have some sort of hint...
The two elder unicorns suddenly emerged from the kitchen. Rarity gave Twilight a somewhat reluctant glower as she left, but managed to brighten up when her eyes fell on her little sister’s alternate. “Now then! Where were we?”
“....We Were TalkIng ABout BedRooms And The AcTions TaKen By Close Friends ThereIn.” Chime Wonders smiled innocently.
The fashionista blushed slightly, but held her ground. “I must inquire as to the form of education that brought such subjects to your interest.”
“When You Do Go Back To The OTher WorLd, Read ApPleSack And CharITy.”
***
“Hey, I just realized. There’s more to you then Rainbows and Dashing.”
“Oh just now?”
“Yeah, you’re also a decent cook. My Dash can’t cook. Astigmatism.”
“Oh. Well thanks. Kid, what’s astigmatism?”
“Vision problems.”
“Oh.”
“Say, you want to have a long and dramatically revealing conversation?”
“...Not really?”
“Heh. Some things never change.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
***
“Ah still can’t believe all that’s under Ponyville,” Orchard Seeds muttered as she took a few webs out of her bow. “Ah mean them fancy electronics and all seem way outta place.”
“Well to be fair, I didn’t expect the dachshunds.” Pinkie Pie removed the big rubber shoes from her hooves, settling once more onto four legs. “If it hadn’t been for that contingent of spider kittens I might have had to pull out the big stoppers. And believe me you don’t want to do that, not without two pounds of sunscreen.” She shot a grin at the orange mare. “Still I like that somepony found a new friend out of all this.”
Applejack snorted, kicking the noodles off her flank. “Look, tha prince was a chivalrous stallion and all, and Ah’ll admit it’d have been nice but he’s really not mah type.” She took off her hat, scanning it for slime, before glancing around the Apple family cellar. “Are ya’ll sure thar wasn’t any breaking of time and space?”
“Trust me, Ah’ve seen it done. Thar wasn’t.” Orchard glanced back as Pinkie shut the hidden door; if she hadn’t known it was there, she would never have noticed it. “Er... thanks fer tha help Pinkie.”
“No problem!” The party pony bounded up the stairs. “Remember, though, this is all hush hush!”
“Ah don’t think anypony would believe it anyway,” the cowpony muttered, sliding some fermenting barrels in front of the entryway. “Strangest fourty three minutes of mah life... Maybe it’s a Discordian remnant.”
“A what now?” The filly tilted her head.
“Ya’ll don’t know what Discord is?”
“Er, an abstract concept relating ta tha utter disunion of musical notes?”
Applejack stared at her... before breaking into a smile and rustling her mane. “Don’t ya worry none about it. If it didn’t happen in yer world, yer extremely lucky.”
“Ooooookay.” Orchard Seeds raised an eyebrow. “That’s not creepy at all.”
“Ha! Trust me sugarcube, it was very creepy.” The cowpony guided her along the shelves of apples and apple accessories, grabbing a lamp and lighting it. “Now yer gonna be staying here, so try ta avoid anypony who don’t know bout ya. Ah’m gonna say you can eat some of the food down here, and Ah’ll get you some blankets and a sleep roll, but try not ta take too much. Wouldn’t do much fer the founding line of Ponyville ta be losing stock, would it?”
“Founding line?!”
“Why sure! Us apples started in Ponyville, and started up Ponyville too! Ah don’t know how it happened in yer world but--”
Orchard Seeds held up a hoof. “Right. Okay. Sure....”
Applejack peered down at her. Something seemed to be troubling the filly, and even though she wasn’t exactly her little sister she was pretty dang close. “Hey. What’s going on?”
“It’s just...” Orchard Seeds sighed. “Which of us is more real?”
“What?”
“Ah mean, is mah universe an offshoot of yers or is it tha other way round?” The little filly looked up at her. “Did Ah fall through the looking glass or did Ah crawl out tha rabbit hole?”
The orange mare wrapped her hooves around her. “Sugarcube, Ah don’ t think it’s like that at all. It’s... it’s like--”
“Like a rattlesnake?”
“What? No! It’s like an apple tree.”
“Huh?”
Applejack waved a hoof at the air. “Both our homes are apples, hanging off tha same tree. Yes, we’re a lot alike, but we’re also a lot different. And even if them differences ain’t always something Ah agree with, fact is we have the same roots. What’s happening in tha here and now, us meeting each other? That’s just, ya know, like... taking a bit of one apple and another apple and using it to make something like... a strudel.”
“So, Twilight Sparkle is making an interuniversal strudel?”
“...Yes.”
The filly snorted. “That’s a hay of a lot more comforting. But... Ah think Ah get what yer trying ta say. Thanks.”
“Yer welcome, Apple Bloom. Orchard Seeds.” Applejack shook her head. “Apple Bloom. Ah’m only gonna call ya Orchard Seeds ta mah friends, Apple Bloom is yer name and that’s what I’ll call ya to ya.”
Apple Bloom smiled, nuzzling her. “Thanks. And fer tha record, Ah wasn’t ever really sure if it was right ta be destroying those different then us.”
The two of them sat there for a moment, basking in interdimensional sisterhood.
“...So, ya got any paper?”
“Er, why?”
“Well I’m kinda hungry, but Ah’m sort of not in tha mood fer apples.”
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I dare you all to write a short detailing Pinkie's shortcut. I DARE YOU.
814506 Sacrilege! It's a noodle incident!
814506 And wind up in a padded cell, wearing a straight jacket, spouting various praises to eldritch beings from beyond our very concept of time and space, all while waiting for my turn to get lobotomized?
...you're joking? You've GOT to be joking!
815141
Don't be silly! No laws of time or space were violated!
Perhaps, but the Pony mind is clearly made of sturdier stuff than a human mind, considering they had to deal with the spirit of chaos and disharmony himself.
815152
Laddie? Discord was only waking up in that episode. He hadn't even got out of bed. I've seen real chaos. He was only beginning.
815159 Point taken, but I'm still not taking any risks.
I really do like this story.
Personally, I didn't really find FiW all that amusing (Sweetie Bot is the exception, hurt myself laughing at that episode), but this story is good!
Oh god, it feels so good to have an honest-to-god, feel-good laugh. This fic certainly perked up my day. :)
Edit: I have to say that it is fortunate that Twilight did not end up in the Mentally Advanced Series universe. She'd break if she found out what that universe's Twilight has gone through at the hooves of princess Celestia. Poor Mrs. Buzzy.
840218
Very true. Now that I think about it, the only other abridged universe I can imagine which wouldn't cause Twilight to freak out would be the Camaraderie is Supernatural series. That's pretty much the only one which is funny while pretty much staying true to the characters. In fact, that's exactly what Twilight says in CiS when fighting against Nightmare Moon; that they can have comedy while staying true to the show.
Most amusing. I hope you resume this. It may be the first time I've seen someone look at FiW seriously.
I really like this fanfic, but there's one thing you should note. According to the subtitles on for the episode, the name of Apple Bloom's club in the Snooty Snark Evaders, not invaders.
Wow, good story so far. Keep it up.
814506
I'm thinking about it. Myself and my friends may just be insane enough to make it work
Well I might be wrong about this but I get the feeling that at least some of this came from the My Little Pony Friendship Is Witchcraft. Great story though, I look forward to more of it.
2148976 Guess why there's a crossover tag...
2188225 Pffffftttt like I actually look at the tags before, or after (or generally at all), reading a story.
2188302 To be honest, I actually thought "hey, maybe it has a crossover tag so I can direct them to it". I only take a glance at the tags when I'm not sure wether or not I'll read the story.
2188348 I know right, the only reason I ever really look at the tags is either after I have read the story, if I am having trouble deciding upon weather or not to read the story, and/or if I am looking for something specific aka sad or comedy or something.
An interesting concept, and for the most part I enjoyed it...
howeeeever
I did think that it wasn't quite exactly placed in the FiW world properly.
I mean, at parts it feels like they aren't, well, in character.
Needs a bit more randomness, and you used foul language at one point. How could you forget about "Buy some apples!"?
Otherwise, this is looking really good.
will this be continued? I just noticed its almost been a year since the last chapter.
Good story -- why was it discontinued?
It really sucks that this was discontinued. Honestly, it's the first story I've seen that's done something like this. Usually stories about characters meeting a parody verse tend to fail at showing the actual way the characters would react. In other words, instead of having the ponies find everything funny (like how people watching the series would find it funny), they are horrified by how dark and messed up it all is.
This story is well written, nicely paced, has great characterization, and is pretty much the only story I've seen to do this concept any justice. And it's discontinued.
2792717
You assume too much.
2793874
Well, I'd love for you to prove me wrong, but you can't really blame anyone for thinking it was discontinued considering the last update was over a year ago.
Still, that just made my day.
Enjoy this story hope it updates sometime.
The concept for this story is great but it's pretty much dead. I hope the author decides to keep updating some day.
That was enjoyable, you managed to capture the underlying horror of the Friendship is Witchcraft verse while maintaining a great deal of comedy to keep the tone from getting too dark and even getting into existential issues like "which universe is real".
LOVE this story! Please tell me an update is coming soon!
“Ah’ll take care of Apple Bloom,” Applejack announced without a second thought, wrapping a hoof around the yellow filly. “An Apple’s an Apple, no matter what universe they come from.”
This is the Applebloom raised by your slavery happy alt-self remember? She's a little monster under that skin.
“You Live ALone?” The unicorn filly looked up at her sister’s alternate in alarm. “What About Your SisTer?”
This is going to be a disaster. Then again, the ponies who said that robots would go on a murder spree if they realized they WERE robots and thus must be destroyed WERE the ponies who invaded and conquered the robots to begin with. So maybe it's just propaganda.
Rainbow Dash coughed awkwardly. “Er... You’re an orphan here too kid. Sorry...”
Given we've gone four freakin' seasons without seeing her parents, and she's a FOAL, and she's a core character (opposed to Silver Spoon who exists as an extra to Diamond Tiara), that sadly MAKES SENSE.
“How would that even work?” Rarity added. “Er... no offense Spike, I mean if it could work I might--”
Kirins.
“No breaking tha laws of time and space!” Orchard interjected.
“Okay then, I know a few super secret ways around Ponyville!”
NOW THAT was actually funny!
“I haven’t dissected one, but I’m pretty sure it just checks for organic matter
No way to know for sure until you actually check.
“But that hardly seems fair! Chime Wonders is a sweet little filly even if she has wires under her skin. I for one wouldn’t treat anypony, no, anybody any different no matter what they were.”
Rarity is taking this reveal rather well.
“One Lives One’s Death, One Dies One’s Life...”
???
“Yeah, you’re also a decent cook.
Who'd have thought.
I think you might have taken Pinkie a bit too off the rails a bit here.
1337196
On Youtube? 'Cause YouTube captions have also given us 'Steven Magnet' from 'Sea serpent', 'Sports car' from 'Squirtle', and 'Pantyhose' from 'Did you know?'.
4390676 When I posted my original comment, there were subtitles made by the creators of FiW instead of the standard Youtube closed captions. Also, Evaders makes more sense than invaders because the three of them were trying to avoid Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon's rude comments. And what could these three be invading anyway?
4390704
Well, what are they snarking at, or being snooty towards? it's an abridged/parody series. It's not supposed to make much sense.
4390787 I just said they are trying to evade the snooty and snarky comments of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, so the name makes sense.
4405166
To quote best pony "Make sense, oh, what fun is there in making sense?"
815143
Only physics and common sense. You know, it's probably a good thing that Discord never existed in the FIW universe, he is bad enough in the FIM universe so in FiW... He'd either be a complete monster, or a hero.
4491839
I actually wanted to think how this world never had any of the major villains, implying that without those threats, ponies grew proud and arrogant.
4493247
Actually, Discord does exist in this version of Equestria.
The point of deviation is something.... different.
4493275
Do I even want to know what caused Equestria to be inhabited by racist sociopaths?
4493247
I know. I just felt like quoting Discord.
you know it's a wierd world when Twilight who is the Only Sane Mare in canon is a violent sociopath and PINKIE PIE of all ponies is the sanest of them all. Still funny for us though. I dread to wonder what Twilight would think of the Mentally Advanced Series.
I just got around to reading this and then noticed the date of the chapters, any chance you'll come back to this story someday?
are you gonna continued this?
because this is really interesthing where FIM characters meet with FIW characters
5018095
I'm saying that without those villains in their history (Tirek, Discord, Nightmare Moon, etc) Ponies never got a taste of what it's like on the receiving end, so they became monsters.
5018618
soo the ponies the one are the villan in FIW version
and the robots,dragons and some creature are the victim here?
5020639
I thought so...?
5020805
i guess they are
i just wish this story been continued again
My take on "Sweetie Belle is a robot": https://plus.google.com/100697564537901361748/posts/cqHhBf7zFi6
...Ah, this old story.
Years have passed since I read it, so I don't quite recall much in detail - but let me say the idea of taking a premise one is clearly not meant to take seriously (i.e. "Friendship is Witchcraft" playing up the dark humor aspect for laughs) and then take it completely seriously is certainly interesting.
Heck, any "crackfic" premise could easily become a horror/thriller/drama/mystery story if the characters in it reacted realistically and took things seriously.
And yes, of course I'd be quite intrigued to see this continued, given a willing muse.
5018618
It's a good theory. Even if it turns out it's not the only factor but it could easily have contributed.