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Sweetie belle goes into the everfree forest following applebloom and scootaloo when she gets separated. She finds a young changeling who is hurt and helps him. After that he stays in ponyville disguised as a new kid. But after awhile sweetie belle starts to feel something towards him but what would her sister and friends think? And why is he here?
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i like it
6626061 thank you it surprises me how fast some one read it. It was only approved like 5 minutes ago
6626077 your welcome and ok
Well my first impressions about this story are rather negative. Starting with the desc there aren't many errors spelling wise however it seems a little... clunky? I don't know how to describe it.
Well for starters the description isn't too descriptive. Why was Sweetie Belle following AB and Scoots? Why is the young changeling hurt and how does she help him? Of course it will probably explain all this in the story, but then why not just remove those statements from the description if your not gonna explain it within the description. This could also bring up the question of if changelings exist in hives like bees why a young changeling has been separated from everyone else, it never explains it in the first chapter. The last sentence is especially clunky. It feels like you ran out of space to type so you quickly typed out the rest of it, however if I remember correctly you have unlimited typing space for the long desc.
There is no cover art and the title is pretty eh, so nothing to report there.
The length of the first chapter is very short. There will be more chapters, I know, however its unusually short even for one chapter of many. My minimal is usually around 1,500 - 2,000 for main chapters and maybe around 1,000 for epilogues or brief introductions. I read it in a minute or two, albeit I was mostly skimming over it. However while reading it slowly and steadily I imagine getting 5 minutes out of it.
I reccomend slowing down and fleshing things out a bit. You described all of the CMC in deph, which is strange as we know what the CMC look like however the environment and other characters so far arent very well described. We figure that Swift is just a changeling with no unique traits aside from having turquoise eyes, which is pretty much the eye color of all changelings.
6626434 this is why I was asking to hear people's thoughts this will help me fix up this chapter so thank you for the tips and his name is shift not swift and all the other questions will be answered I had it planned out for the next chapter so again thank you and I didn't know how many words I was typing because I did it on my phone and it doesn't tell me
From the description:
Proper nouns should always be capitalized. (Your title isn't properly capitalized either.) Also, Apple Bloom's name is two words, not one.
I personally think in the next chapters you should have an explanation on how the changeling got there in the forest in the first place...Also, what happened to Shift when he was there. Your grammar needs some work...but hey, I kind of need help as well....all in all, the story is not half bad. Keep in mind your proper nouns need to be capitalize and try to get the readers wanting more by three things...The beginning, the middle,...and the twist...Good luck!
6629363 thank you for telling me about Apple blooms name and I guess some of the names I overlooked because I made sure to capitalize them I'll fix it
6630589 I have the beginning the middle and the twist planned out already and I am going to explain all that in the next chapter and I will gladly help you out in anyway I can
6631054...Well...the current story I'm making; well I'm making a lot...but one currently is called The Renegade, the Bounty hunter, and the Warlord. Currently in still making it, but I might me missing something's. Can you take a look and see if you can help?
6626434 and Nicky the description wasn't supposed to be that descriptive currently but I will change it and make it more once I get another chapter or two then I can make it better
I like it but I don't think Applebloom and scootaloo would leave sweetie belle in the forest like that.
Also
you really have to watch out for those Subs I hear they can be dangerous
Eta on update?
7011911
Mehta does ETA mean? And if it means when then soon I haven't had a lot of time to work on it
7015478 ETA means Estimated Time of Arrival, and alright! I'll still wait for it.
Nice! Glad I found this again! Can't wait for the next!
nice story dude, looking forward to what happens next.
well done
Glad to see this again!
Critique: work on your dialogue, kinda clunky and redundant. Flesh it out, try to make it more natural, say it out loud and work from there!
Good chapter, can't wait for the next!
8005691
i am very well aware i just got out of that horrible writers block and i guess i got really excited and wanted to post it
i am going to fix it up a bit before i write more