Case 37: Cue Training Montage
Cruger looked at the new recruits going through basic training, they were going to be needed if Grumm’s threats weren’t exaggerations, which they probably weren’t. He looked through his list to see the names of all of the new recruits.
“Hm… everything seems to be in order.” He said to himself, then turned to the recruits. “Alright! Listen up! I am Anubis Cruger, but please, just call me Cruger. You are all going to have your full effort if you want to become members of SPD! Some of you are here because you want to protect your country and loved ones, others because you’ve already lost someone and don’t know what to do with your lives, and I think that maybe one or two of you joined up so that you can get an impressive dress uniform so you can get a date. Regardless of your reasons, if and when you graduate, you will no longer be who you are right now, you will be forged into a member of the greatest law enforcement unit on the planet, Space Patrol Delta, DISMISSED!”
“YES SIR!!!” The recruits saluted in unison before walking away in a single file line. Cruger turned, but stopped as a certain someone leaned against the wall.
“Quite the display you have there.” He commented. “I do wonder, though; How do you handle that power without getting a little mad?”
“I was autistic before I got Displaced, I’d say I’m a little mad already,” Cruger replied, “anyway, mind telling me why you’re here Wade? I want to know if I need the extra-strength Tylenol, or the prescription grade stuff.”
“Oh...Autistic?” he pulled out a notebook and wrote it down. “Gonna have to control myself around you then… oh! Forgot! I'm not here to bother you, Buddy. I'm here to drop someone off! Come on and meet your Uncle Cruger, Neaera!” Stepping around the corner was something Cruger hadn't seen; It was a teenage, Human-pony hybrid with a healthy tan coat all over her body, the head of a pony with a large horn & a blue & orange eye, hair that looked short & normal up front but transitioned to Luna’s long mane in the back, and wore black, UFC looking matching bra & shorts.
Cruger’s eye twitched, “Wade, is this who I think it is?”
“Yep! She's my daughter!”
“HI.” Nearra greeted meekly. “Dad. You never told me Uncle Cruger was a Diamond Dog.”
Cruger let out an annoyed sigh, “I am not a Diamond Dog, seriously if I had a bit for every time someone called me that I’d have enough for a second Delta Base. Anyway, while I’m flattered that I’m her honorary uncle, why exactly is she here?”
“That?” Deadpool asked. “Well… blurt it out kid.”
“I wanna be a hero!!!” She blurted.
“Yeah… that. And if you're gonna ask, no, I didn't contact anyone else, and yes, I tried to teach her the basic, but it's just as effective as a blind man describing a movie.”
“Yeah, you teaching heroics sounds about as effective as Dan Hibiki teaching combat,” Cruger said, “I assume you want her to learn from the master?”
“Yes. And here,” he gave Cruger a suitcase. “That contains all of her information that you should know about her, f***ing bureaucrats,along with all of the cash needed to help her out, and extra for damage. Just as a heads up, she ages seven times faster than everyone else, just like you. What you're seeing isn't a 14 year old, but a 2 year old.” He walked to his daughter and rustled her hair/mane “Now be a good girl while I'm away. No doubt Luna’s already crying for you.”
“I will, dad.” Nearra replied. “I'll give my maximum effort here as you will with mom.”
“Oh yeah… me gusta… “
“... Dad?” he shook himself.
“Sorry!” He turned to Cruger. “And yes! Her mother is Princess Luna! I'm Sterile! How did it happen, I don't know!?”
“I’m chalking it up to what you would call plot convenience,” Cruger said, “now get going, I need to make a training plan.”
“Got it!” Deadpool said while pulling out a gallon of lube. “HERE I COME!!!” He disappeared in a puff of smoke.
“... So… how are you?” Nearra asked. “When do we start?”
“As soon as you put this on,” Cruger said as he pulled a training uniform out of storage, “we’ll start relatively easy, give me 20 laps around the track while I go over your info.”
“20 laps!? Hold on, is this 20 100 meters or 20 400 meters?”
“It’s just a standard jogging track,” Cruger said, “now get going before I make you run the whole perimeter of the compound 20 times, I think it’s about 1k per lap?”
“GAH!!! Yes, Uncle-Sir!!!” She hastily put on the standard suit, hopping on one leg for the pants, and began her jog. Cruger opened the case; a cardboard cutout of the “shut up and take my money!” Fry popped out, holding a bunch of cash to him. Underneath the cutout was documents regarding about Neaera… and various strange artwork of Deadpool making love to Princess Luna, ending with Deadpool having the troll face, asking “U Mad, Bro?”
“Yes Wade, I am very mad,” Cruger said as he placed the pictures into a paper shredder.
“So, how you feeling?” Cruger asked as Neaera finished her run.
“... Hungry.” She said like a zombie. “Need… food!” She fell to the floor and crawled like a zombie. “Food… need… food… but gluten free!”
“Yes, your files did indicate your dietary requirements,” Cruger said, “unfortunately for you, it’s 10:30, lunch is at 12:00. Since you’re already down, why don’t you give me 20?” She pulled out 25 dollars.
“Keep the change.”
“Looks like you’ve inherited your father’s sense of humor,” Cruger said. “Look, I don’t care if you think I’m being mean, but this is nothing compared to what you might face. Do you think Doctor Doom is going to time his attacks for just after you’re finished lunch?”
“... Martha! The panther God! Fant4stic! I'll use those on him! Brains over brawn.”
“Yeah, how about if the Juggernaut comes after you? You just going to let him turn you into an actual two-dimensional figure?”
“... X-men 3 and bad usage of Internet memes.” Cruger began to lose her patience.
“Okay then, let’s say you’re trapped alone with… let’s go with the Iron Monger, what then?”
“...Fly high. And use lemon juice when he reveals his face… they hurt, you know.”
Cruger sighed, “Wade, you ruined her. Not every battle can be won with memes, your dad has swords and guns for a reason. In fact, follow me.” She inched like a worm, following him. After a bit they arrived at a door, “Welcome to the simulator, ready to try some actual combat?” She jumped right up.
“Ha!!! I'm ready!!! Let's do this, chumps! LEEROOOOY JENKINS!!!” She ran in.
“Oh my God, she just ran in.” An operator added.
Cruger chuckled, “Well then, let’s teach her the dangers of judging a book by it’s cover, load up the rabbit.”
The operator chuckled, “This is gonna be fun.”
Inside, Neaera stood, looking around.
“Come on! Give me your hardest!... Just not that, though.” The simulator booted up, and Nearra found herself in front of a cave. “OOH!!! What's this!? An Ogre!? A dragon!? BILL WATERSON’S HOME!!!” Out of the cave came a white, regular sized rabbit. “... A BUNNY!?!?!? REALLY!?!?? Oh, what do you want me to do? Pick it up and snuggle with it!?... Hm… not a bad idea actually… perhaps I should-” The rabbit lunged at her, biting her neck with razor sharp teeth! “AHH!!! BUNNY ATTACK!!! BUNNY ATTACK!!! CURSE YOU DAD FOR NOT SHOWING ME THE CLASSICS!!! GET IT OFF!!! GET IT OFF!!!”
Cruger and the operators couldn't help but laugh hysterically at the sight. “All right, shut it down,” said Cruger. The simulator powered down and Cruger entered. Neaera was still on the floor, screaming. As soon as she realized it was over, she rolled into a ball and cowered.
“B-bunnies… s-s-so… evil!”
“Now, what did we learn today?” Cruger asked over the intercom.
“Never trust a bunny!”
“No, we learned that A: appearances can be deceiving and B: you need to learn how to fight.”
“... Okay… I'm sorry! I-I'll listen! No more bunnies…“
“As you wish,” Cruger replied, “let’s go with something a little easier.” The new program loaded, revealing a white void with various floating platforms. “Time to learn some free running, let’s see how many checkpoints you can hit before lunch.” She stood right up, a bit shaken,but calmed down.
“Yes, sir.”
Neaera stood at the firing range, took a few shots at the target with a blaster, and missed them all.
Neaera ran towards a set of giant red balls, jumped and landed on the first, then slipped and landed in the pool
Neaera walked into a sparring ring, then was thrown back out 5 seconds later.
Neaera struggled to bench press a bar without any additional weight on it.
Neara shot at the target, most of the rounds hit, but they were all over the place.
Neaera jumped onto the first red ball, made it to the second, then slipped.
Neara entered the ring, then lasted 45 seconds before limping out.
Neaera slowly but steadily bench pressed a bar with a pair of 50 pound weights.
Neaera plugged a target at 500 meters right in the center of the head. Then Cruger set the same target to 1000 meters and turned it into a smiley face.
Neaera performed a veritable gymnastics routine as she lept over the balls.
Neaera entered the ring, then threw her opponent out 2 seconds later.
Neaera bench pressed a bar loaded with 500 lb like it was nothing.
(End music)
“I can't believe we did all of that in another Montage!” Neaera spoke, looking at herself in a mirror. She wasn't fat when she entered, but she was skinnier, and most of her mass became noticeable lean muscles. “Oh man! Mom and Dad are gonna be proud!”
“Oh, but what about your Uncle Cruger?” Cruger asked, opening the door.
“GAH!!! What are you doing here!?”
“This is my office you're in.”
“... Oh… guess we skipped that part about my dorm, eh?” she laughed awkwardly.
“Well, I was going to call you here anyway so no harm done,” Cruger chuckled. “So, your foundational training is finished, there is only one last thing to do before I can send you back in good conscience.”
“What's that? I did everything you said, and, though you don't like it, but I gave it my maximum effort, just like what Dad says all the time.”
“First, I would never dislike anyone for doing their maximum effort, unless their max effort involves trying to take over the world. Second, this is about something else.” Cruger pressed a concealed button on his desk, causing it and the floor around it to descend. “As I said, your foundational training is complete, but that’s only going to get you so far. You need to find what you’re best at, and polish it. And there’s no better place to start,” the lift stopped, revealing an armory, “by selecting your personal signature loadout.” Nearra looked everywhere, and drooled.
“So… much… weapons…“
“Before you get any ideas, there’s no ammo in the entire room,” Cruger said, “but you can look around and see what you like.” She got up and looked around, about as excited as a kid at a candy store.
“OH!!! SO MUCH TO CHOOSE!!! Shotguns!? Sniper rifles!? Bazookas!?... No… not the Bazookas… can't go full on Michael Bay….Dad hates Michael Bay, along with his films but The Rock and 13 Hours.”
“If I may,” Cruger said as he pulled a halberd from its rack, “perhaps something like this? Tell me, did Wade, in his vast knowledge of Pop Culture, tell you about RWBY?”
“... No,actually. He and the Author have only seen a few clips and the Death Battle with one of the characters. What the heck does that do?”
“Well then, here’s the main thing you need to know. In RWBY, almost every single weapon,” with a flick of the wrist, Cruger changed the halberd into a sniper rifle, “is also a gun.” She gasped and reached for it.
“Gimme!!!”
“No way, this is mine,” Cruger said as he held it over his head and out of reach, “why don’t you decide what two weapons you want to combine and we’ll head to my personal forge?”
“... My mind has been blown.” She ran around the armory, though, unbeknownst to Cruger, she had her own voices in her head, like her father.
“We gotta get something awesome!” Her crazy yelled “We gotta get something that'll hurt those bad guys!”
“True, but it can't kill them.” Her Stuffy added. “And it should honor our mother as well.”
“Hm… What type of swords do you got?” Nearra asked.
“Let’s see… we’ve got your standard broadswords, not the most unique of options, but reliable.”
“Eh, it's gonna be special when it's mixed. You allow twin weapon mixes?”
“I said I was making you a RWBY weapon, they’re mixes by default. Although, if you want to make an impression, how about a claymore?”
“A claymore?”
“You know, Braveheart? William Wallace’s sword?”
“Before Mel Gibson went insane? Yeah, I saw that film, but… Oh! You have that sword!?”
“Yeah, although now that I think about it it might not match with your fighting style, you’re more ninja than barbarian, and I mean that in the best possible way.” She blushed.
“Aw, shucks! I probably won't be assassinating anyone, not unless I become the biggest hypocrite. (Batman to you, folks at home)”
“Maybe, but better to need and not have. Speaking of which,” he pulled down a pair of curved short swords, “how about dual-wielding a set of these beauties?”
She took them from him, “Hm… I'll call this one Slicey McGilligan, and this one Shank McGee! Do you teach how to keister things?”
“You’ve been sparring with fight sticks, you should be able to use those with minimal problems. By the way, we’re only half done, time to pick out your ranged option.”
“Oh, that's easy! For Mel Gibson, yes, I'm calling the Claymore that, a sniper, and for the couple, semi auto machine guns… or Uzis, as most people call them.”
“Most people are wrong,” Cruger said as he grabbed a set of the requested weapons, “Uzi is a brand, not a type. Anyway, why don’t you take these over to the testing range,” Cruger opened a pair of portals, “I’ll get started on the Beacon grade weapons, shouldn’t take too long thanks to time dilation, I’ll let you know when I’m done.” She jumped and hugged him.
“Thanks, Uncle! I didn't want to say it, but, you're tough, and I don't care, but, I love you!” She hugged him even tighter.
“Does this mean I’m invited to Christmas?” Cruger said as he struggled to escape the death grip.
“Of course! But, it's gonna be in the summer, since Jesus wasn't born in the winter, and it's technically a pagan holiday… that, and my dad killed Santa, along with the Illuminati leading Christmas specials.”
“Okay, don’t think I want to hear about that one. Now, if you don’t let me go I’m not going to be able to make your new toys.”
“Toys!? Where!?” she jumped off and ran away. “I WANT MY BARBIE!!!”
“How's my Girl doing!?” Deadpool asked. “I see you have new weapons.”
“Yeah!” She replied. “I did such an awesome job!”
“That's good! I got a gift you!”
“Ooh! What is it!?”
“Ta-Da!!!” Deadpool pulled out a bunny. Nearra stared, shivered, and let out a scream, running away in fear.
“DON'T LET IT NEAR ME!!!” Deadpool blinked, but turned to Cruger. Despite wearing a mask, he was pissed.
“What. Did. You. Do?”
“Monty Python and the Holy Grail sim, in my defense, it got her in the mood for a training montage.” Deadpool glared at him, silent like. Many of the employees who remembered Deadpool took a few steps back, never seeing this… angry, nor silent.
“...You're lucky you're the main character of this fanfic. If you weren't… I'd drop you off at China.”
“You’d try,” Cruger chuckled, “anyway, I think you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“... Other than her fear of bunnies, lean muscles, and those RWBY-esque guns, what are they?”
“Hey, Nearea, why don’t you show him exactly how well you can use your new gear?” A barrage of bullets shot into Deadpool chest, followed by her, as a near, blue blur, slicing him up. Deadpool looked fine.
“... Huh… I feel nothing.” holes of blood poured from his body. “Oh… that's not good.” he fell into sliced pieces. “... Ow.” Nearra picked his head up.
“Dad, pull yourself together.” a ‘Ba-Dum-Tish’ was heard.
“Ugh! That was a terrible joke!... Glad to see you still have my sense of humor!”
“Please, you say that like I could get rid of it.”
“We both heard you say that.” Both daughter and father spoke in unison.
“Anyway,” Cruger continued, “she’s ready for basic level hero work. She has zero real world experience so you should probably accompany her for her first supervillain.”
“I know just the guy!” Deadpool said, putting his body together.
“Who is it!?” Nearra asked.
“You'll meet him when you're a bit older… so some time after your third birthday. He's a special guy; he made me… well… Me!”
“... Should I get him the lady bug outfit?” Deadpool snickered
“I see what you did there. DO IT!!! And if you're wondering who I'm talking about, watch my movie, folks… then a Bug's Life. For now, keep on training,Nearra.”
“Speaking of which,” Cruger said, “if she ever wants some more advanced training, a fellow Displaced is opening a school for Displaced and I’m teaching there.”
“... What's a displaced, dad?” Nearra asked.
“Some cosplayer that winds up in Equestria.” Deadpool answered. “Though, it seems I'm one… not so sure about you, though. You're… well… a Mary Sue.”
“...is that bad?”
“Varies, but you're better than those Other Sue's. And who's this guy, Cruger?”
“Sun Wukong, RWBY character, not that monkey, want his token?”
“Sure.” Nearra replied. “Can't hurt just to learn some new moves. Who's his author’s name?”
“I have no idea, but I did meet up with him before, use your powers of the fourth wall,” Cruger said as he tossed him the coin. She grabbed it and observed it.
“Eh, I'll get MrAquino to do it.” Deadpool said. “And I am quite surprised that you haven't used your infinity stone, Cruger ol’ buddy ol’ pal.”
Cruger sighed, “Tell me, have you been in the company of time travelers?”
“Nope.” Nearra said “But there's always a first.”
“Wait a minute.” Deadpool said with skepticism. “You don't have one yet? Which means… MY GOD!!! So that's why you weren't so surprised when-” Nearra covered his mouth.
“Shh! Spoilers!!!””
“In the words of Doctor Who, Wibbly Wobbly, Timey Wimey.”
“... Great… now we gotta think like time travelers.” Deadpool said. “Hopefully, it's not going to be as bad as that Turkey film… and Terminator Genysis.”
“So far it’s nothing too bad,” Cruger said, “all I know is that I’m getting a sweet upgrade in the near future, now shut up before you rip reality a new one.”
“You don't think I know that!? I've been time traveling before you were born!... Literally. But, I guess since you gave me a punch when you returned to my past… and your future… then this should keep the time/space continuum going.” He punched Cruger below the belt, making him fall.
“Dad!!!” Nearra yelled.
“CHEESE IT!!! It's my past self’s problem!!!” Deadpool ran into the portal he came through. Nearra gave Cruger a kiss on his cheek, along with a piece of paper.
“Here you go, my number, in case you want to talk.” she gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I'll see you soon. Hopefully, I won't be in trouble.” She followed her father into the portal. One of the nurses approached to Cruger.
“Do you need an ice pack, sir?” she asked.
“No, cryo grenade, and my notebook,” Cruger groaned, “I have payback to plan.”
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Oh boy, the hilarity hits again! Awesome Crossover as always!
7386726 Hey! My Dad had a crossover with your 2 guys!!! I hope they both enjoy watching Sausage Party!
7386732 with what they told my guy? I doubt it
Man, I keep on trying, but the moral relativism, pushing the moronic idea that a weapon isn't meant for killing when brandishing things like swords and guns, and the pretending that killing the bad guy makes you just as bad as they are. It is getting to the point where it's kinda creepy. Even in the show there was killing done by the heros, even if it was just the giant monster battles.
7391921
Rarely did that happen in SPD. They're cops. They only blew up the robots, the criminals were put in the containment cards