XVIII. Dejection
The rays from Celestia's sun seemed to be directed towards you, seeing as you were blinded by them when you opened your eyes. You grunted and turned over to your side, protecting them from any further damage. As your cognitive abilities slowly returned, your thoughts began to flow freely.
I'm awake. That means I've survived another day...
You rolled over once more, landing on your right hoof. Although it was still injured, it was no longer a sharp, wincing pain, but rather, a dull, pulsating strain. Nevertheless, you slid your hoof out from under you, eliminating the pain. You continued to rest on your stomach for a few more minutes. Eventually, another thought spawned within your mind.
The dream. It didn't return. I don't think I even had one. Either that, or I just can't remember it...
Without giving it much thought, you took in a deep breath. You then pushed yourself up from the bed and stretched out your fore-legs. You quickly craned your neck to the right, cracking the various bones in your neck. You then let yourself fall back onto the bed, and slowly began to slide off. As you landed on your hooves, you began stretching your other appendages, giving you a refreshed feeling of agility. After limbering up, you began to head towards the door, when you realized that you had no idea where you were going.
I know I'm inside Rainbow Dash's home, but, what am I doing here? What am I even supposed to do?
You quickly gathered your thoughts, and remembered what Sigmund had told you yesterday.
Sigmund told me to try to recall everything I could. I suppose I can try that.
You walked over to your saddlebag and pulled out the journal you've neglected to write in the past few days, although you partially blamed your amnesia for that. You weren't sure what you had last written in it, but you hoped that something inside would help your memory. As you pulled out the journal, you flipped to the page that you had written on most recently. As you read its contents, you were disappointed to find nothing of relevance to any memory. Upset, you dropped the journal back into the saddlebag.
Nothing. Completely useless. I should have known.
With no plan, you decided to head downstairs, having been fed up of being confined in the room. You didn't bother to carry your saddlebag with you, for you knew that there was no point. You walked over towards the door and headed downstairs, with no purpose in mind. If anything, you were hoping that something downstairs would help you be able to recall your memories. As you walked downstairs, you kept walking and quickly observed your surroundings. You still weren't sure what you were doing, but when the rainbow-maned mare called your name, she quickly gave you something to do. When you turned to her, she was still resting on the couch she had previously slept on.
"How'd you sleep?"
Without having to forcefully form a response, you replied.
"Fine."
She quickly followed up with another question, yet she seemed reluctant to ask.
"Are you... Feelin' better?"
It was this question that had reminded you of your confession last night.
Right. She really knows everything now. Nothing to hide.
You simply nod, answering her question. She positioned herself upright, focusing more of her attention to you.
"So... Do ya wanna start now?"
"Start what?" you replied, effortlessly.
"You know, trying to get your memory back." she explained.
You weren't sure if she had remembered that you couldn't just be told your memories. You were about to explain, but Rainbow Dash interrupted you.
"I tried looking for the picture of us, but I still couldn't find it."
Again, you attempted to respond, but Rainbow Dash, once again, interrupted.
"So, since I couldn't find the picture, I was thinking that we could go to Cloudsdale. Maybe seeing some of the stuff there'll help you remember. Worth a shot, right?"
Cloudsdale. That was supposedly where you were from. It never occurred to you to return.
"I... Suppose, but-"
Before you could finish, Rainbow Dash sprang to her hooves, indicating that she was ready to leave. Again, for the third time, she spoke and cut you off from speaking.
"But what?"
"I..."
You're afraid.
The look on your face must have explained everything to her.
"Hey, come on," she began, while trotting over to you. She placed her hoof over you, and immediately, you were sent into a daze. She continued, "I'll be there with you the whole time. And I'll make sure nopony messes with us. So, whadaya say?"
The way she spoke to you was soothing. Her voice, coupled with her body's heat mixing with yours proved too difficult to focus your attention. You found it impossible to deny her request.
"A-alright." you muttered.
Immediately after your response, she disconnected herself from you, making whatever heat and comfort you felt vanish.
"Well, it's a short flight to Cloudsdale. Should only take a few minutes, so whenever you're ready."
You saw no reason as to why you would delay the retrieval of your memories, other than the fact that you were afraid. But, Rainbow Dash's words alone provided a minute amount of confidence. The fact that she had decided to go with you had almost provided courage in yourself. Almost.
"Let's go now."
Rainbow Dash seem surprised, perhaps at the fact that you wanted to go so soon.
"You sure?" We can wait a bit if ya want."
You simply shook your head, indicating to Rainbow Dash that you wanted to leave now. But you quickly noticed that you were not carrying your saddlebag with you. As you came to your realization, you look towards Rainbow Dash, and pleaded to retrieve your saddlebag.
"Yeah, sure. Go ahead. Just don't take too long."
You nodded and quickly trotted upstairs, wasting no time in finding your saddlebag. You slipped it on and quickly returned downstairs, seeing Rainbow Dash waiting by the door. As she saw you return, she walked outside, and you followed. As you shut the door behind you, Rainbow Dash took to the sky, and you followed, as usual.
Cloudsdale. I don't even remember what the place looks like. But apparently, something there should help me remember.
After a few minutes of flying, you begin to notice Rainbow Dash slowing down her pace. As the two of you passed through a few clouds, you finally reached the city, Cloudsdale. The entire city had a similar construction to Rainbow Dash's home, but was much bigger. There were various levels and multiple rainbow streams circling the city.
"Look familiar at all?" asked Rainbow Dash.
As you examined the entire landscape of the city, a sense of recognition swept you. You felt as if you could recall specific areas, such as where the center of the town was, and other landmarks.
This place... I remember it!
You were just about to exclaim to Rainbow Dash how you remembered the city, but a sharp, intense pain suddenly attacked you in the back of your right ear. A high-pitched whine started up in your ears and your heart began racing, causing your breathing to become short and sporadic. You tried placing your hoof over your chest to slow your breathing, trying to gasp for air, but it was to no avail. You could hear Rainbow Dash asking you something, but her voice was muffled. The vision around the center of your eyes suddenly became dark and hazy. Once again, Rainbow Dash was trying to get your attention, but her voice was gone now. You felt her place her hoof on your shoulder, trying to keep you steady. Your eyelids fell, and you lifted them up again. They fell once more, and everything went black.
There were two other ponies in front of you, two young colts to be exact. They couldn't have been older than seven years. They were laughing, but it was muffled. The rays from the sun blinded you, causing you to flinch and look away. As you lifted your hoof to cover your eyes, you could see that you were somewhere else now. You were in an arena, with hundreds of ponies surrounding you, yelling. As you took the entire arena in view, the sun blinded you once more, making you repeat the same motion of shielding your eyes. When you opened your eyes again, all you could see was darkness, and a large wooden door.
You could feel an intense pain at the base of your wing, but you ignored it. As you tried opening the door, it easily pushed open, as it barely hung on its hinges. A gust of wind approached from behind you, slamming the door against the wall, making you jump back a bit. As you peered inside, an awful odor came upon you, slightly gagging you.
"Ugh, why does it smell so bad?" you asked yourself.
As you took your first step inside the building, there was an ominous fear that loomed throughout the room. As you looked around, you could see that all the furniture was either torn up or destroyed. You opened your mouth to speak again.
"Mom? Dad? Are you here?"
There was no response, only the sound of the wind that blew through the room. The hairs on your back stood up, and you kept your wings tucked in tight, close to your body. You slowed your pace, and you saw something in your peripheral vision. You completely stopped, and when you turned to inspect what you saw, you realized that it was only a curtain blowing with the wind. In an attempt to calm down, you say to yourself, "It's just the wind. It's just the wind." As your heart speeds up, you can hear it thumping in your chest. You take a few more steps until you step on something that cracks. The noise seemed to be amplified and you step back, only to see that it was glass. Again, you open your mouth to speak, but it's much more difficult to do so.
"Mom! Dad! This isn't funny!"
Still no response. Your entire body is bombarded with chills, and again, the strange odor attacks you once more. You tried your best to ignore it as you continued. You tried to breathe out through your mouth, but it felt as if your throat was closing up. As much as you were scared, you continued through the room. As you looked back towards the door, you could see that it was no more than a few steps behind you. Have you really been walking this slow? The smell was now nearly too strong for you, and you suddenly stepped in something again. As your turned your head to examine it, you could feel that it was wet. It was cold and wet. And there was a whole puddle of it. The bit of moonlight that shone through the cracked window revealed that whatever you had stepped in was a dark crimson red.
As you outlined the pool of the red liquid, you followed it until the puddle seem to be covered up. Two dark, adjacent figures laid on top of the blood. Despite the darkness, you could see the position of the figures. One was laying flat on its stomach, while the other was on its side. As you slowly approached them, you tried to speak, but your throat felt entirely closed up. Eventually, you were able to whisper, "Mom? Dad?"
You were now in between the two bodies, still not certain of who they were. The darkness and tears beginning to form in your eyes made it difficult to see. When you placed your hoof on one of the cold bodies and turned it over, you could see the face. You felt your heart nearly burst when you saw that it was your father.
"Daddy?"
You spun yourself around, placing your bloodied hoof on the other body, and identified it as your mother. Your face began to heat up, only to be cooled by the stream of tears now rolling down your cheeks. You collapsed and fell right into the puddle of blood, causing some of it to land in your mouth. The taste was sickening, but it didn't matter. You tried to pick yourself up, and you called out for your parents.
"M-mommy please... Get up... Pl-please..."
"Daddy... Wake up already!"
"Please..."
"Oh man, what do I do?!"
As your vision returns, you can hear a familiar voice, albeit somewhat muffled. Your vision becomes clearer, and so does the voice, who you now identified as Rainbow Dash. Once your vision finally clears up, you instantly remember what had just happened; the re-experience of your parents' death. Abruptly, you're bombarded with the same emotions from the night your parents died, at the same strength. Fear, confusion, guilt, sorrow, agony, abandonment. And they were all eating away at your broken psyche. Rainbow Dash finally noticed that you're conscious, and you hear her begin to speak.
"Finally you're awake! Dude, you really scared me! What, did you get altitude sickness or something? You just started falling out of nowhere!"
She kept explaining to you what she saw happened, and you listened, but you paid no heed. You were in a complete state of shock and fear, unable to even comprehend the simplest of thoughts. Your mind was a complete blank, only containing the memory of your parents' death. Within a few seconds, those two emotions finally transgressed into a depraved state of depression. Unlike your usual attempts to prevent your despondent lament, the barriers you've built were easily torn down now. Even shutting your eyes as tight as you could proved futile, as streams of tears began to trickle down your cheeks. When the first whimper escape your lips, that was when Rainbow Dash took notice.
"No, come on," she began. "I'm not mad or anything, it's just that you started falling, and you were gonna hit the ground!" You heard her trot closer to you, and when you lifted your face, you had noticed where you were; back in her home, on her couch. Finally remembering what she had just said, you murmur out the words, "I wish I had..." Rainbow Dash must have noticed what you said, because she didn't take lightly what you had just said.
"Hey, what kinda talk is that!? You don't meant that."
It wasn't until your whimpers became sobs that she finally realized that the cause of your agony was much worse than her scolding.
"Wait, this isn't because of what I said, huh?"
You didn't reply. How could you? Your continued weeping had indicated to her that she wasn't the cause of your sorrow. It stayed quiet for a few more seconds, the situation becoming more and more uncomfortable for you with every second that passed. Despite having shared your innermost emotions the previous night, that was intentional. After a few more seconds, you heard Rainbow Dash speak again.
"So, was it the dream of your... Uh, you know, again?"
Having lost concentration, you lifted your head from your tear-stained hooves when you realized that you had been asked a question. You tried to open your mouth, but that only let the moans escape easier. You couldn't speak. Every time you attempted to speak, only more sobs left.
I can't do this anymore. I knew it, I always knew it! My past really is fucked up...
You felt a shift in the couch, meaning that Rainbow Dash had taken a seat next to you. You weren't sure as to what she was going to do, but that didn't matter to you. You buried your face back in your hooves and quietly continued to weep, the surge of painful emotions still present.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
Talk about it?
Slowly, you were able to stop the tears from forming, just long enough to give Rainbow Dash a reply.
"W-what's there to talk about," you began. Your voice was low and raspy, from trying to have stopped your cries. "I saw them again, but it was much worse this time! It felt as if I was back there again. Everything in my home was either destroyed or gone, and there was a stream of blood that led right up to them! I could smell and feel it and even taste it! I can't do this anymore. I can't keep living like this, Rainbow Dash!"
You were barely able to make out the last words before you began mourning again. Besides your cries, the room stayed quiet. You knew that Rainbow Dash was in an incredibly uncomfortable situation, and that she had no idea how to handle it. Your mind was a blank, besides the repeated experiencing of your parents' death. The scene kept playing over and over in your mind, and you couldn't help but feel sorry for yourself.
Rainbow Dash began with your name, "It'll get easier after a while. You just gotta let time pass. After that, it'll just seem like a bad dream."
You felt a slow coming to your lament, and you seized the opportunity to respond to her.
"I've been like this for seven years! Everyday, I had to live with the fear of this happening!" You took a second to wipe the tears from your soaked cheek before starting up once more. "Everyday, I was afraid of having to go through something like this again. As if it wasn't bad enough I had to see them every night, now I had to relive the whole memory! And what if it happens again? I can't go through that again, Rainbow Dash! And the worst part, is that for some time, I actually thought that things were finally getting better. I thought that I was finally on the path to recovery. But today proves otherwise!"
Just like before, as soon as you had uttered out the last words, you returned to your previous state.
I have to kill myself. I've never been so motivated to do it more than now. I can't go through something like that again. Seeing and feeling and reliving the memory is just too much! I can't even bring myself to stop my lament, and I've said more than I should to her.
Between sobs, you could hear Rainbow Dash stuttering, trying to come up with a response. You understood how difficult it must have been to respond to a pony in such a pathetic, weakened state of mind. Not having full control of your actions, due to the fact that your emotions were running their course, you began to speak again.
"Rainbow Dash, help me... Please," you wept out.
"Anything. Whatever helps you," she responded, ending with your name.
You weren't sure what was compelling you at this moment, but you couldn't stop it. You lifted your face once more, revealing your blood-stained eyes and disheveled mane. Your eyes connected with Rainbow Dash's and you spoke once more.
"Kill me..."
Immediately, a scowl forms across her muzzle, one of disgust and shock. Her brow arches and you can see her mouth beginning to move.
"W-what?"
At this point, your emotions were in complete control of your actions. Your more stable consciousness would have condemned any form of physical contact with any other pony, but not this time. You threw your hooves onto Rainbow Dash's shoulders, whom you were now staring at, with tears still forming in your eyes. Her scowl quickly turned into a look of fear as she swiftly realized your request. You knew she wasn't sure if you were being serious or not, so you asked again.
"Help me. Please. I'm not happy. I can't be! I don't want to go through any of this anymore. Please, help me. I can't do it myself. Just help me somehow, please..."
Never before have you asked any pony before such a request, or for that matter, ever intentionally made physical contact beyond any extrinsic motivators. Rainbow Dash was still trying to think of a response until she vigorously shook her head and returned her scowl.
"Shut up! I told you not to talk like that!" As she replied, she, aggressively, removed your hooves from your shoulders, letting them return to your side. At this moment, you realized that she was being serious, which didn't surprise you.
I have to do it now. I can't lose this window of opportunity. If I don't do it now, I won't be able to bring myself to do it later, and I'll run the risk of reliving through all of this again.
You were still staring into Rainbow Dash's eyes, her facial expression showing that she was less than amused. Letting your instincts take over, you leaped off the couch and made a dash for the door. You weren't thinking, and that was going to help you to bring an end to your miserable life. You heard Rainbow Dash shout behind you as soon you had moved from the couch. You see the door right before you, but you stop, due to the fact that you had the weight of Rainbow Dash on your back now. She coiled her fore-legs around your shoulder and neck, preventing you from getting up.
"You idiot! You're making a mistake! I'm not gonna let you kill yourself!"
With Rainbow Dash bearing you down, you tried to reach for the door to no avail. She was overpowering you, stopping you from finding an everlasting peace. You started to beg to be freed.
"Please! Just let me go! I can't go through any of this anymore! I'm tired of it!"
Tears were still being shed as you pleaded, and you kept struggling, but she didn't budge.
"I told you to stop talking like that!"
You continued to struggle and squirm for a couple of seconds until you finally gave up. With Rainbow Dash around, you knew that there was no escape. You just let your head hit the ground and continued to weep. When Rainbow Dash finally felt that you had stopped struggling, she eased her grip. You pathetically tried to stand up on your hooves, but you were just too unwilling to do so. You were reaching the point in which you would lose interest and sight of everything. As you finally stood up to your hooves, you felt Rainbow Dash's hoof on your shoulder. You turned to her and she motioned you to sit down on the floor. As you did, she sat down directly in front of you.
"Listen," she began, stating your name, "You might not believe me, but I know what you're going through."
Your cries had, at last, subsided, now being replaced by the occasional sniffle and tear that you would wipe away.
How could she possibly know what I've been through? She's never been in any situation even remotely close to mine.
"I know what it's like to feel unwanted and alone, and to feel like you'd be..."
Rainbow Dash turned her head to the side and let out a shuddered breath. She took in a deep breath and continued.
"To feel like you'd be better off gone. But you're stronger than that. I know you are," she cooed.
Keeping your head down, you moved your eyes to meet Rainbow Dash's when she suddenly embraced you, wrapping her forelegs around you.
"And like I said, I'll be with you the whole time, helping you get through this."
Uncertain of what to do now, you copied Rainbow Dash and wrapped your arms around her, an unfamiliar gesture. You've seen other ponies perform this before, and you recognized it as a 'hug.' An expression of joy and sympathy towards another. Her embrace kept your mind blank, and thoughts began to spawn once more as she relinquished you. Finally, your tears and agony had ended, and you had donned on your usual callous expression. She flashed a smile at you, an attempt at getting you to create a similar expression. As she stood up, she asked, "Do you feel better now?"
No, not at all.
You nodded your head, indicating that you did. You rose to your hooves, uncertain of what would happen now. As you looked out the window, you could see that Luna's moon is now the primary source of light in the sky. Upon seeing it, you became dismayed at the fact that you had fainted for nearly the entire day, and that you still felt fatigued.
Oh, for the love of Celestia, can I not go through one day without missing the majority of it?
You nervously asked how long you were asleep for, afraid of the answer.
"Pretty much the whole day. After you fainted, I carried you back here and put you on the couch. I thought that after a few minutes, you would wake up, but when it started getting dark, I got worried," Rainbow Dash explained.
She stayed here the entire time? Why didn't she just leave?
Once again, you opened your mouth to speak to one of the two ponies you can easily speak to.
"Y-you stayed here the entire time? Why?"
"Well, yeah. I couldn't leave one of my PFFs alone, especially after something like that."
The puzzled look on your face told Rainbow Dash that you had no idea what, 'PFF' meant.
"Pony Friends Forever. Somethin' AJ said a while back. You know, the orange pony we saw earlier today?"
You didn't respond, as your blank facial expression said everything you needed to say. You weren't sure what to do now, but Rainbow Dash began speaking again.
"So, listen. You say you can't remember me, huh? Like, I mean, I know you know my name and who I am, but you can't remember me when we were foals, right?"
You shook your head. Rainbow Dash spoke once more, "Alright then. I have an idea. What if I told you about the times we spent together before, uh... You know, left?"
You were sure that Rainbow Dash had suggested doing that before, and you were also sure that you had explained to her why that would not work.
She knows, or at least she should know. I'm sure I've told her before.
"Rainbow Dash... I told you before. Tha-"
"Yeah yeah, I know. Your doctor said that you'll have to remember them yourself. But, hey, can't hurt to try, right? Maybe you'll end up remembering something," she explained, as she made her way to the couch, motioning for you to follow. Hesitantly, you followed her and sat next to her, keeping your eyes averted. As soon as you sat down, she wrapped a hoof around you and said, "Besides, I can't have my best friend from flight school not remembering who ol' Rainbow Dash is!" She let you go, and started speaking again.
"Alright, so, where did it all begin? Oh yeah, I just got to the school," she began.
And she started to tell her whole life story, although she stammered at a few parts, as if she was trying to avoid something. But despite her story-telling, that was all it seemed to you, a story; not your actual past. But despite that, you still payed attention to Rainbow Dash, learning more about her, rather than about yourself. Hours passed, and Rainbow Dash continued to tell the tale of her life.
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FIRST HAHAHAHAHA
Also, who edited this chapter? It's perfect!
two perfect
YEAH THIS IS AWESOME I LOVE THIS STORY.
754071
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The entire city had a similar construction to Rainbow Dash to Rainbow Dash's home
He accidentally repeated the same words, ruling out your theory.
BTW, I like the chapter.
Is it... *Tries not to get hopes too high up in case of it crashing down as one clicks the link*
Oh Emm Cee... Is it?! *Gapes* IT IS! UPDATE! WOOOOOHOOOOOO! YUSH! GO ME! *Pauses* Wait a sec... No! Bad me! Stop trying to kill me before I find out what all happened! Jerk!
Ah, good. This updated.
I can't kill myself until I understand Rainbow Dash's story and her odd stuttering (ok, the romance tag kinda gives it away, but I need details). dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Rainbow_dealwithit.png
So a couple hours ago I saw this story in the featured box and I was like oh that looks interesting so I read the whole thing to here, I just finished. You can see when I started by looking at my comment in chapter 1. And it's really good. And I want moar!
And I am really hoping that the Tragedy of this story is in my character's past, not something that will happen, I want a happy ending! And I really like the way you've written Rainbow Dash to be sympathetic and supportive character. By looking at the update frequency of previous chapters, I can see there is a delay between publications, and I hope we don't have to wait a couple weeks for the next update, because this is really good.
That's all.
I'm under the assumption that they were more than best friends back in the day, or, at least, Dash felt that way.
Not sure how old they were then, or if it'd be relevant to their age.
Hey, worth a shot.
"To tired to provide ya with comprehensible praising of your story --- so I'll stick to this: realistic, awe, joy, insight, and depth. Good-one my good sir. Good-one."
I have a suspicion, its probably not true but I have to say it: what if in someway Sigmund was involved in the murder and is keeping close to "me" to make sure "I" don't remember anything important from right before "my" parents death. The pain from the back of the ear could be an affect from the unicorn's spell that could have "accidentally" been messed up. Or I could just be over thinking things…
756429 How could you even SUGGEST such things :rarityshock:
Now I am all caught up
please sir, can I have more 
NNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
755113 well durr. Either RD had some serious issues too, or well.... that option
I was so happy when i saw that this was updated. This is just one great story, i'm always anxious to find out how it will keep turning out. I'm really curious about what Rainbow Dash is hiding about her past... sounds interesting.
But I don't wanna die. I wanna know what happened to me!
It's weird talking about myself in the... I don't even know what pov that is, but its weird.
I download stories for later... Would this best fit under *Dark*? I have OCD and can't decide which folder to put it in...
Yes... I have my fanfiction archived. Problem?
755095 i got no idea
754507
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there's more than just that in this chapter!
I'm just too lazy to point them out