Burning Axe has admitted his feeling for Natures Fury back in the barn. It's been nearly a month since the events that transpired since that day, and he can't stop thinking about her. But he doesn't know how to ask her out...so he doesn't.
And Rainbow Dash is not appreciative of that.
This is a (unofficial) sequel to the events of Burning Fury, which can be found here.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-RgGV8lhiF9YsWIOUMCSwChuWL0vJgW3zGsGintF8ck/edit
This is a ship fic. Don't rage on this.
Burning Axe: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbMRE97faCqty4SIknIsEXw
Natures Fury: https://www.youtube.com/user/CoHNaturesFury
Cover Art drawn by (old) : https://www.youtube.com/user/FoxTag22/videos
Cover Art (current) - http://img03.deviantart.net/b5a3/i/2016/063/f/6/burningfury_fanfic_reading_art_by_texaspooky4ever-d9tx951.jpg
Check him out!
Very well done, for the most part. The part where Rainbow Dash was angry about him stealing her tree, especially, made me laugh-- a lot.
Good work.
6491753 Oh my gosh...oh my gosh! Thank you for reviewing! I just want to fangirl right now! *squeel* Well, technically, I'm not a girl, but whatever! I'm so happy!
I'm so thankful to hear from a fellow author that you liked it! It's always an honor for someone to read my stuff, but it's so much better when they like it! So thank you for that!
Now, if I could ask for a couple minutes of your time, (I mean, if you want to, if you don't, feel free not to), but is there anything you see that I could improve on?
6491829 Haha. I know, getting comments is one of the best feelings you can get. Though I don't know whether fangirl is the right word... more excited really. Sure, if you want some pointers I'll gladly help you out.
The main thing I think you should watch out for, and can sometimes be grating, is the way your characters speak. In some parts your extremely close to the character and have extremely well built sentences, but at other times it just falls flat. You have to read some of those sentences out loud to yourself (the main one that springs to mind right now is when RD threatens to throw Burning in a cage, which needs some punctuation. It hurts to read it out loud the way it is, which means it's impossible to say). Reading out loud, throwing all of your pride and care for your story aside, is the best way to get the most out of your dialogue. Ask whether or not you could say that if you were the character. Is it too fast? Do I have natural breathing points where commas etc. should be? Is there (in the case of an accent) a missing letter or an undulation of the voice that I need to put on paper?
It never hurts to go back to the show to look over speech. If you listen carefully to the way, for example RD speaks, you'll hear that yes she does have a raspy voice and can yell sometimes but that if Ashleigh is forced to yell she does it in short breaths. She has a break. As Applejack she takes her time and goes through the words one at a time (read through your dialogue again, I'm sure you'll find some examples of where this isn't the case).
TRY NOT TO USE CAP LOCKS ON EVERYTHING PINKIE AND RD SAY. Although caps locks is a great way, and kind of a cheat's way sometimes, to show that somebody's being loud if it's done too much it can hurt your head to read it. You have to be aware of this and don't put too much caps locks in, speech tags and exclamation marks exist for a reason, you know?
One great story flaw goes along with this, in that you have to be able to judge your reader's reactions and have the characters respond accordingly. If Pinkie is shouting all the time, giving even the reader's the feel of a headache, than it's only fair to assume your characters will have them also. Constantly be thinking about the reader and, by making the characters react in the same way, you'll be giving them a connection to your story that they won't be able to get away from.
Inconsistencies-- now that's a word that no writer wants to here. Unfortunately whilst your writing you do have a tendency to become so involved in the words that you forget all that just happened. For example-- Nature's Fury (in this story and the last shipfic of BurningFury) mentions how crazy Pinkie Pie is and laugh, like she understands something a non-MLP watcher (or heck, who knows, maybe even somebody who watches MLP) doesn't. This implies she knows her, yet when Pinkie Pie (who we've seen in previous episodes knows everything about everypony) sees her come in neither one of them greet each other as if they know each other. In fact, Pinkie just calls her 'your date' (Burning)-- wouldn't she say something like 'Oh, Nature's your date' or something, just to show that she is staying true to her character and the subtle hint of a friendship between your character and the shows.
There was good use of the first person, and I commend you for how well you developed Burning's character with his internal thoughts, but one thing that should be edited is the switches in tense. At parts it can be a tad confusing over whether it's in the present or the past. Although there are times when writer's have managed to pull off using more than one tense, for the most part it is best to stick to one (especially in a story so short) so it's not jarring for your readers.
Yeah-- erm-- I think that's it. Like I said before, there were parts of your story where I laughed and parts that were really quite sweet and, on the whole, for a short little scene it was really well written. Keep up the good work and I hoped my rambling review helped you a bit.
Now, onto writing the next shipfic (yes, I'm that horrible person from the video comments who just loves torturing myself by writing romance that I can't do).
-- Your friendly, neighbourhood DreamWings (wow, it's been a while since I wrote that).
EDIT: Wow, just realised how long you've been on FimFic. Well, welcome to the site, buddy. I hope you have fun on here. I know I wouldn't be where I am as a writer now without this place.