No pony knows who or why they made a unique system, but it was going to be fun! It was a headwear that sends ponies into a virtual world. Many ponies brought the new game that came along with it, it is a rpg game and so every pony in Equestria got it. The cutie mark crusaders decide to get the game too, hoping they will get their cutie mark. However when they entered, something hacked into the game and calls itself,"THE VIRUS". It cause the nerve gear, the headgear system, to malfunction and traped in the game. The VIRUS gives the players a change to get out... Enter his sick tournament and have your team be the victor. Who will win the tournament? The VIRUS also mention if they died in the game, they died in real life.( this is inspired by the game sword art online)
- Member Since 26th Sep, 2015
- offline last seen Jun 2nd, 2023
Kauetheadventurer246
I am a simple teenage gamer who is very weak and is quite shy. Until one day a demon had came into my aid in a certain event( i will explain that in one of my stories) and now became a hero to help.
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I am sorry but... no. This story is, at this point, unreadable. There are so many grammatical errors it makes my eyes hurt. Let me give you some quick and easy advice: get an editor and study good writers. You'll notice that most good authors have at least one editor/proof reader. This story desperately needs one. There are groups for it. Also, never submit your first draft. If you can't find an editor, read through your story 3 times. Murder your story if you must but get common grammatical errors out of the way.
6486519 I know for a fact that I don't have the best grammar in the world, but where in the world am I going to find an editor?
6486571
There are a lot of editing groups on this website, all of which are willing to help.
6486571 There are multiple groups on this site for that very problem. All you have to do is go into the group tap and look up the word "editor". Any of the top three will allow you to request an editor. However, to make it easier here is a link:
Editor Group
6486571 HAIIIIII!
6487208 oh, hello there command spam. Nice to meet you.
6487210 I'll be the proofreader guy, if need be.
6487211 that will be highly appreciated. Thank you for your help
I can help with editing as well, if you'd like, as well as helping with technical stuff (like story flow and such).
6487214 No prob. If you want me to proofread it, and you use google docs, send the draft to west7312@eduhsd.k12.ca.us and I'll proofread, edit, and rework it as needed.
Alright, I will try to fix up some issues in this story.
Nerve Gear should probably be spelt with capitals (like I did).
This is the original thing:
it should probably be:
Any other mention of the Nerve Gear should be capitalized, seeing as it's the name of something.
Nothing really wrong with this, but it should be on a different line from the text behind it.
It should say spoke not spoken.
There is a weird space before "remember". Soon in the new sentence should be capitalized, and split is spelt wrong. Correct Spelling: Split. Your spelling: Spilt.
All the coloured letters should be capitals. (apple bloom, bloom, sweet apple acres)
Should be worded like:
I'm not going to be counting any more name capital errors, as there are a lot, but I advise you check them.
Log should start with a capital.
All sentences should start with capitals, as well as names. That's pretty much a rule.
Still, looking through there are a lot of weird spaces between speaking marks and other stuff. You should probably fix that.
Said, not says. (Or read, if it's text.)
It should say "Soon a portal appeared next to Apple Bloom.
Cutie Mark Crusaders should be capitals.
Why is there are random .? Also, it should say "Then, Scootaloo came up with an idea."
It should end with ? not .
EDIT: Also, there should be a "we" in between don't and go.
Noticed, not notice.
Buy, not but.
It should say gained and bought.
Thanked.
Shook, not shock.
Scootaloo FINISHED buying her equipment. And, it should say "Scootaloo was wearing" not "is."
Then.
They WERE in.
Woah, that was a lot, but I'm glad to help.
Sorry for the long comment everyone!
6487226 I would like that as well. However there is one problem. I don't really know how to use google doc.
6487242 That's an easy thing to fix. Just click -> here <-
Yay!
You're now using Google Doc.
6487239 ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? That had really improved my grammar. Thank you so much! Um, do you want to be a proof reader?
6487365
Sure! I'd be glad to help!
6487365 A friend of SSparkle speaking here, SSparkle has also made a few mistakes and missed a few things.
*said (small letter)
Change to: "... so we can form a team," the orange filly...
(replace full stop in end of speech with comma, continue rest of sentence with small letter)
*there (spelled incorrectly)
*name, player (add a comma)
*oh, well, my name's (add a comma after 'well'. Also add an apostrophe for possessive i.e name belongs to her)
That's all the mistakes I spotted in SSparkle's corrections. I haven't actually read the story yet, but I will later.
I recommend putting the story through a spell checker (looking for the wriggly red lines below phrases and words) to weed out some basic mistakes like missing spaces.
It seems jarring that you suddenly have an informal sentence in the middle of a formal-sounding (newspaper style) paragraph.
EDIT
*nowhere
*points
*order (change to small letters)
Change to:
avoid titles with full caps. it makes you sound like you are shouting and not serious..... unless that is your intention, of course
Sup. So this is a reversal of that one story where bronies ended up in an RPG version of Equestria, yes? Kinda reminds me of a story I was gonna write...
6488122 It seems it's based on Sword Art Online...
...Which obviously doesn't mean is bad in any sense!
I'm keeping a lurking eye on this!
6488122 in a way, yes. Also what exactly are you going to write? Just so I make sure I am not copying you.
6490661 Oh trust me, your not. This just reminded me of it because of the similar scenario, but I take this in a way different direction.
I'm Root for both Spike & CMC most of alright know that Apple Bloom and Spike would be as leaders of their own countries, Apple Bloom whom was born and raise on a farm would understand how the common ponies live and with a big family to help her run it, with the young dragon heck he was raise in the royal court and learn his lession after the 'Princess Spike' episode.