The year was 2020 and the first new game came out for the new system called the Nerve Gear. A pony, who refused to be mentioned, made the device to introduce the ponies to gaming. However, ponies were still new to video games and didn't have much interest in them. That was when a pony decided to buy the game and try it out. When the pony played for about an hour, he told his friends that it was the best thing he ever played. Soon, ponies started buying the Nerve Gear and the new game. Almost every pony, mainly colts and fillies and a few adults, got the game and started to play it,There are only three ponies that didn't get the gam until today.
"I can't believe we got it!" said a orange pegasus filly excitedly.
"I know, it took a long time but we finally got it."Spoke a white unicorn filly.
"Come on, lets go home and get playing!"Said a yellow earth pony with enthusiasm.
"Remember, lets meet together as soon as possible so we can form a team," the orange filly told the other two.Soon the three fillies split up and head towards their homes.The yellow filly is an earth pony named Apple Bloom, she has yellow coat, a red mane and tail and finally wears a red bow in her mane.Apple bloom lives in an apple farm called Sweet Apple Acres.She ran on the dirt road and rushed through the house into her room.Due to the amount of bits the family earned in the grand galloping gala,she manage to get the Nerve Gear.She set it up and looked at it.The Nerve Gear was a headgear that looks like a black disc that covers half of the pony's head.She place the game disc into the helmet and put it on.Turns out there was a special surprise when every pony was in the game and the surprise started at 12:00. She looks at the clock and waited. 11:59, just two more minutes and she can log in.Five...four...Three...Two...One...
"Log in!"Apple Bloom yelled out and soon she was surrounded by a bright light.After a few seconds,she finds herself in a weird place that is nothing but white,apple bloom wonders if something happen until she heard a voice behind her.
"Hello player"Apple Bloom jumped a little when the voice came out of nowhere.When Apple Bloom turned around she only saw what seems to be a line, the line started to move a bit when the voice came back.
"Please state your name, player."The voiced asked with a monotone.
"Oh, well, my name's Apple Bloom"Apple Bloom told the voice her name and a circle appeared in front of her,it was made of white curved lines turning clockwise.After a few seconds,the circle disappears and the voice came back once more.
"Nice to meet you Apple Bloom,please stand still for a quick body scan."
"Um, why?"Apple Bloom asked the voice with a little worry.
"Do not worry,the bio scan will find the strengths and weaknesses in you.It will also determine the stats you will have and see what race you are."The voice told her,Apple Bloom let out a breath of relief and answered back to the voice.
"Alright , go ahead".Apple Bloom tried her hardest to stand still while the voice scanned her,in a minute the voice responded to Apple Bloom.
"Scan complete,Here are the stats I created to fit you."Soon a screen appeared in front of apple bloom showing the stats she has.It reads eight different things:heath points,magic points,strength,vitality,intelligence,mind,evasion and speed.The numbers next to them are in order of each stat:120/25/8/7/5/4/3/3.
"Are you happy with this?"The voice asked Apple Bloom.She took one last look at her stats and answered the voice question.
"Yes, I am happy with my stats."
"Then are you ready to enter the game?" The voice told Apple Bloom. Soon, a portal appeared next to Apple Bloom and she walked into the portal. The last thing she heard was the voice saying something to her.
"Welcome to equestria online, good luck.". Apple Bloom opened her eyes and found herself in a grassy plains.She looked around and notice what looks like ponyville.
"Apple Bloom you made it!"Apple Bloom heard someone called her name.She turned around and it was the two fillies from before.
"Hey Scootaloo,hey Sweetie Belle!"Apple Bloom waved back to her friends. Scootaloo is a orange pegasus with a purple mane,her wings were very little so she can't fly but she is fast on a scooter.Sweetie Belle is a white unicorn with a purple and pink mane that swirled like a yogurt.They had been best friends when they stood up with apple bloom at a party.All three of them are blank flanks,but they agreed to help each other find their cutie marks.They had formed a group called the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
"So, what do we do now?"Sweetie Belle asked her two friends. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom weren't really sure what to do. Then,Scootaloo came up with a idea.
"why don't we go to ponyville and and get some stuff?"
"Oh yeah, so how much bits do we have?"Sweetie belle asked.The three of them checked to see how much bits they have.
"I got 100 bits."Apple bloom replied.
"Same here"Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle said at the same time.Then they started their walk towards ponyville,soon more ponies started to show up.When the cmc made it to ponyville,they looked quite surprised.Everything looks exactly the same,except the weapon and armor shop.
"Lets go buy some weapons and armor girls."Apple Bloom told the her friends.They both nodded in agreement and walked towards the shop. Inside are a lot of weapons on the walls.Apple bloom notice a stallion at the cash resister and walked toward him.It was a gruff pony and it looks exactly like the pony that tried to cheat Fluttershy out of her bits for cherries.The pony noticed Apple Bloom coming towards him and asked her a question.
"Hi there, what do you want?"Apple Bloom thought for a bit and answered him back.
"I want a weapon and armor."The weapon pony than asked her what she wants exactly. Soon a screen appeared in front of her with a list of weapons and armor.Apple Bloom thought for a bit and decided to pick a short bronze sword,a bronze shield and a set of bronze armor.
"Okay, that will be 80 bits please." The sell pony told Apple Bloom, after another screen appeared with a question. Do you want to buy these? Yes or no?Apple Bloom picked yes and she had lost 80 bits and gained the things she bought.Apple Bloom thanked the pony and trotted away.
"I'm next!"Scootaloo yelled out loud and galloped towards the stand.
"What are you going to get sweetie belle?"Apple Bloom asked Sweetie Belle.Sweetie Belle shook her head as she was in deep thoughts and answered Apple Bloom's question.
"I think I am going to buy leather robe, a spell book and a staff just in case."After sweetie belle was done talking, scootaloo finished buying her equipment. Scootaloo was wearing a green cloak, dual bronze daggers on both sides and a bow and arrow on her back.
"Your turn sweetie belle."Scootalo spoked.Sweetie bell then went and brought a blue robe, a spell book and a wooden staff.She then walked to the others.There was a small amount of silence between them until sweetie belle broke the silence.
"so now what?"
"Want to fight some monsters?"Scootaloo threw in,sweetie belle and Apple Bloom agreed.The cmc went out to the everfree forest to fight some monsters,not knowing the trouble they were in.
I am sorry but... no. This story is, at this point, unreadable. There are so many grammatical errors it makes my eyes hurt. Let me give you some quick and easy advice: get an editor and study good writers. You'll notice that most good authors have at least one editor/proof reader. This story desperately needs one. There are groups for it. Also, never submit your first draft. If you can't find an editor, read through your story 3 times. Murder your story if you must but get common grammatical errors out of the way.
6486519 I know for a fact that I don't have the best grammar in the world, but where in the world am I going to find an editor?
6486571
There are a lot of editing groups on this website, all of which are willing to help.
6486571 There are multiple groups on this site for that very problem. All you have to do is go into the group tap and look up the word "editor". Any of the top three will allow you to request an editor. However, to make it easier here is a link:
Editor Group
6486571 HAIIIIII!
6487208 oh, hello there command spam. Nice to meet you.
6487210 I'll be the proofreader guy, if need be.
6487211 that will be highly appreciated. Thank you for your help
I can help with editing as well, if you'd like, as well as helping with technical stuff (like story flow and such).
6487214 No prob. If you want me to proofread it, and you use google docs, send the draft to west7312@eduhsd.k12.ca.us and I'll proofread, edit, and rework it as needed.
Alright, I will try to fix up some issues in this story.
Nerve Gear should probably be spelt with capitals (like I did).
This is the original thing:
it should probably be:
Any other mention of the Nerve Gear should be capitalized, seeing as it's the name of something.
Nothing really wrong with this, but it should be on a different line from the text behind it.
It should say spoke not spoken.
There is a weird space before "remember". Soon in the new sentence should be capitalized, and split is spelt wrong. Correct Spelling: Split. Your spelling: Spilt.
All the coloured letters should be capitals. (apple bloom, bloom, sweet apple acres)
Should be worded like:
I'm not going to be counting any more name capital errors, as there are a lot, but I advise you check them.
Log should start with a capital.
All sentences should start with capitals, as well as names. That's pretty much a rule.
Still, looking through there are a lot of weird spaces between speaking marks and other stuff. You should probably fix that.
Said, not says. (Or read, if it's text.)
It should say "Soon a portal appeared next to Apple Bloom.
Cutie Mark Crusaders should be capitals.
Why is there are random .? Also, it should say "Then, Scootaloo came up with an idea."
It should end with ? not .
EDIT: Also, there should be a "we" in between don't and go.
Noticed, not notice.
Buy, not but.
It should say gained and bought.
Thanked.
Shook, not shock.
Scootaloo FINISHED buying her equipment. And, it should say "Scootaloo was wearing" not "is."
Then.
They WERE in.
Woah, that was a lot, but I'm glad to help. Sorry for the long comment everyone!
6487226 I would like that as well. However there is one problem. I don't really know how to use google doc.
6487242 That's an easy thing to fix. Just click -> here <-
Yay! You're now using Google Doc.
6487239 ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? That had really improved my grammar. Thank you so much! Um, do you want to be a proof reader?
6487365
Sure! I'd be glad to help!
6487365 A friend of SSparkle speaking here, SSparkle has also made a few mistakes and missed a few things.
*said (small letter)
Change to: "... so we can form a team," the orange filly...
(replace full stop in end of speech with comma, continue rest of sentence with small letter)
*there (spelled incorrectly)
*name, player (add a comma)
*oh, well, my name's (add a comma after 'well'. Also add an apostrophe for possessive i.e name belongs to her)
That's all the mistakes I spotted in SSparkle's corrections. I haven't actually read the story yet, but I will later.
I recommend putting the story through a spell checker (looking for the wriggly red lines below phrases and words) to weed out some basic mistakes like missing spaces.
It seems jarring that you suddenly have an informal sentence in the middle of a formal-sounding (newspaper style) paragraph.
EDIT
*nowhere
*points
*order (change to small letters)
Change to:
avoid titles with full caps. it makes you sound like you are shouting and not serious..... unless that is your intention, of course
Sup. So this is a reversal of that one story where bronies ended up in an RPG version of Equestria, yes? Kinda reminds me of a story I was gonna write...
6488122 It seems it's based on Sword Art Online...
...Which obviously doesn't mean is bad in any sense!
I'm keeping a lurking eye on this!
6488122 in a way, yes. Also what exactly are you going to write? Just so I make sure I am not copying you.
6490661 Oh trust me, your not. This just reminded me of it because of the similar scenario, but I take this in a way different direction.