Princess Luna finds out about the NLR and it's quest to overthrow her sister.
A short story I wrote about why I think Princess Luna would not want to rebel against her sister again and my guesses about how Equestria's government is run.
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So Luna is against her own republic?
LUNA IS THE NEW GEORGE BUSH!!!!!!!!
I like this, even though I count myself among the NLRers, and the obsessive Derpy fans as well. I think that the NLR doesn't necessarily have to be anti-Celestia, any more than I can be a Republican (as opposed to a Monarchist, not as opposed to a Democrat) and still watch the Royal Wedding (not the important one, the one with the funny hats).
This was something interesting in the beginning... but then, the crammed dialogs, the messy english and the poor argumentation came...
Are those audience ponies bronies in Equestria? Why would they love Derpy? Why would they even know she exist? To me, Derpy's role in this story is only to help the plot move along. She really doesn't matter, as the same could've been done with RD or perhaps even Fluttershy. Her role is mainly as the preacher, so I don't know why she must be so "comedic amusement".
Not to mention that the "crowd" is too cartoony. I mean- they are stupid and are too quick to abandon everything they believe in just because someone popular did it. "Oh let's all join hands and sing songs" may work well with forgetting small shenanigans, but it is not the case with politics.
Each character should have a new line when they are starting their dialog. To end a dialog on one line and to continue on the same line is only fine when the same character is about to speak. I'll give you this, though; for a story with crammed dialogs, this wasn't hard to understand at all.
It would seem that this fanfic exists just "to prove a point". While that isn't bad, there are ways for you to do so (this not being one of them).
I recommend you to revise the typos, the plot (all of it except for the very beginning {when Luna reaches the balcony, all is lost}) and the dialogs (all of them) if you want this to be something else.
I'm sorry, but this is a thumbs down.
That was bucking great. It's in my top faves of the week list for sure. Go Luna!!!
Boo! Down with common sense and kindness!
Rather liked it and enjoyed your depiction of Luna.
And of course derpy is Genius. Night Warrior is just too shallow to realize it.
Actually it was nice to see someone actually portray in the equestrian gov't in a way that isn't oppressive and incompetent (excluding Blue Blood of course) or fancifully Marxist. Your depiction definitely sounds like the sort of country I'd like to live in, which...is kinda the point in the show isn't?
670428
Thank you very much for this review. I don't always enjoy reading the negatives but if I want to learn they are the best way to do it.
I will keep in mind your sound advice if or when I decide to write another story.
This was a bit of a spur of the moment thing I wrote to make a bit of a point and to practice writing.
"Each character should have a new line when they are starting their dialog."
Noted. Thanks for the advice.
"Are those audience ponies bronies in Equestria?"
I kind of meant for those ponies to be bad OCs that Fan-fic writers had made.
So thank you very much for the negatives. (I mean it.) And when/if I write again I will attempt to make it less preachy.
Interesting concept. Your execution in debunking the NLR "grievences" could be a little better, but overall a good story. I'm sure you'll keep improving!
670830 I'm glad that you are OK with constructive criticism. I just came back to say, it wasn't the "preachyness" that made me dislike it; it was how it was conducted. Whilst Luna's arguments were strong in the beginning, Derpy's were just too weak for the crowd to listen to her instead of Luna.
Don't feel bad; your work is definitely above the average you may find on this site. You just made some small mistakes, but that's OK. Another tip: when you're writing something silly, like a comedy or an episode-like slice of life, it is OK to, well, be silly and write with little planning ahead. But this fanfic's premise demands it to be more on a serious tone; think ahead and plan the whole thing out before starting to write.
One thing about this that I really, really, really enjoyed: The premise in itself. Why? Because I myself hate Solar Empire Vs. New Lunar Republic fanfics (but I have to give it to them; NLR's logo is simply awesome). I think that, if you were to revise this story, putting more thought in it, it could grow into something really good.
as a proud member of the NLR I have to so that Luna would only rebel if her sister transformed into something like Nightmare Moon. In other words if she became a power crazy tyrant. having said that I agree that in any other scenario it is just another political party. But in my world Celestia is a power happy, blood thirsty killer adored by millions, much like Stalin, Mao, and Kim IL Sung
Awesome fic bro. Lots of politics. It was awesome. And Celestia at the end just made me love her even more. (Used to be apart of the NLR, but got over it in 3 months) Celestia is a cool leader though. It seems that once you ge tinto Celestia's shoes....errr....horseshoes? That you see things a little differently. To me, her life is more sad than anything else.
the way Luna talks about equestria's government the way it is, one low tax rate for evetone, no government hand outs, ect. sounds like what the U.S. needs
i want to watch the save derpy video
space out when people talk and where good
Did... Did Derpy just derail an entire revolution before it even started? Damn I love that mare!
I approve of this fic
There were a few spelling mistakes/homonym confusion here and there, some paragraphs should be broken up, but otherwise, it was a pretty decent short read.
As for all this NLR stuff, I'm still hung up on how a government headed by a princess could y'know, be a republic
Wait a second, people are actually serious about the whole New Lunar Republic thing?
I thought it was another fandom joke like RDs sexuality. Whats that? People are serious about that too?!
Everything I know is wrong...
673796
Exactly! Why would the most traditionalist and royal Luna support a form of government based on control by the people? Never understood the NLR movement. Luna is great, her unacknowledged republicans, not so much.
683066
Don't be surprised, people can get way too serious about their ponies.
688017 True... but still, I can't believe they can't hold onto their humanity!
*Horrible human cotastrophes flash before my eyes*
That might not be a bad thing...
683066
yeah not into homo shippings at all. all ponies should be straight
sorry you had to find out the hard way
Very enjoyable story. While I likely agree with your personal political beliefs they shined through a little much here so you may want to tone that down a tad in the future. Also lots of spelling and grammar issues but overall a very fun story. Nicely done.
This story made my day! There are some really bad NLR-stories out there and even the good ones often follow the same old plot about the “shocking twist” that Celestia was evil all along and poor old Luna is the hero of the oppressed majority. So you can imagine how happy I was to see this little story.
Also, Night warrior is best OC. You need a lot of guts (and stupidity) to call Derpy a “wall eyed brain damaged stupid Pegasus” in front of a crowd of Brony OCs. I had a big grin on my face and thought to myself "Ok NOW you're screwed!".
And I really like his mane…
So yeah it was a good parody of the weirdness of this great Fandom, who turns an animation error into a fan favorite and loves to portray one of the nicest characters of the show as a bloodthirsty tyrant.
P.S.:Nobilis De Selene Luna? Sorry but those overly long names sound awful, just ask Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.
815956
Thanks! Yea I always liked Celestia and Luna. They are the only Monarchs I would want to live under. So the idea that they would go to war is kind of silly to me.
"Nobilis De Selene Luna?" Yea. I figure that all the princesses have huge names but don't use them except on formal documents.
this is good. I am member of different sect of The New Lunar Republic were our goal is to have Luna gain more power, not to rule totally but to rule Equestria more equally. Because even though Luna is back and no longer under the control of Nightmare Moon, Celestia still holds most of the power instead of sharing it. For proof of this we look to the Nightmare Night episode were everyone thought she was Nightmare Moon because Celestia didn't make it 100% public knowledge that Luna was back to normal.
(reads ending) DOWN WITH THE PRINCESSES! LONG LIVE DERPY HOOVES!
759686 now that's just insensitive to the gay community.
1255273
Thanks!
I would assume that Celestia is planning on giving Luna more power as she adjusts after being gone a thousand years. After all I am sure Luna has a lot of catching up to do not only with current events but also with how the government has changed since her imprisonment.
Your right! Derpy is best Princess!
Loved this and not just because I always thought the NLR business was pretty stupid.
You seem to have a good grip on the characters and your writing style pleasan to read.
Let me know when you got something new out.
Is this on the continuity of Raugos' "Night Guards"? I saw that you used Hammer and Anvil.
2282763
No I but I loved his story so they were a little cameo.
I fucking aplaud you.
BTW you could have just excluded the begining with the Lunar guard thing, I had no idea what was going on until I put two and two together, and also insulting the Royal guards denotes the overall message a bit.
2411846
At the time this was written I had just finished reading 'The Night Guards" and that was a little cameo.
But anyways thanks!
I reviewed this story tonight you can find it here
5470774 Thank you!
I hope one day when I have time to edit it a bit and clean it up. But thanks!
That was a very awesome, nice, and cool story that i hope will be on Fimfiction FOREVER.
Maybe Derpy should be a princess.
6380413
muffin princess