The Fabulous Story Of Kuja

A thousand years ago, a man by the name of Kuja appeared in Equestria. He quickly befriended the princesses, becoming known as the Silver Mage. Over time however, it become quite clear that he was very ill. No matter how hard they tried, they could not cure him, and rather than let him die, they placed him in a deep sleep, in hopes that one day, they would be able to heal him. This is the story of his life after his awakening, a thousand years later.

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Comments ( 25 )

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Leo Archon

Leo Archon #1 · Sep 29th, 2015 · · · Unnamed (auto named on publish) ·

Reading this because FFIX is awesome.

Though you may wish to get an editor. Lots of little errors that can be fixed easily.

SuperKamek

SuperKamek #2 · Sep 29th, 2015 · · · Unnamed (auto named on publish) ·

Bro, I was JUST listening to Dark Messenger, like, five minutes ago. That's spooky!

SuperKamek

SuperKamek #3 · Sep 29th, 2015 · · · Unnamed (auto named on publish) ·

Can I suggest indenting your paragraphs like I'm doing here? It would be a lot easier to read, even with the spelling and grammar mistakes. Oh, BTW, might wanna look over some of your stuff again. Just saying.

Lazruth

Lazruth #4 · Sep 29th, 2015 · · · Unnamed (auto named on publish) ·

Interesting so far. I'll stick around, see where this goes.

Grey Ghost

Grey Ghost #5 · Sep 29th, 2015 · 1 · · Unnamed (auto named on publish) ·

6472861 Look over my stuff?

SuperKamek

SuperKamek #6 · Sep 29th, 2015 · · · Unnamed (auto named on publish) ·

6472900
I'd love to, but I have things I gotta get done on my page. Sorry!

Iron Sky

Iron Sky #7 · Sep 29th, 2015 · · · Unnamed (auto named on publish) ·

So far, the fic is very bad about telling, instead of showing.

If I hadn't played FFIX, so much of this fic would be nothing but word salad to me.

Dirty Bit

Dirty Bit #8 · Sep 29th, 2015 · 1 · · Unnamed (auto named on publish) ·

Color me interested.

Hoppa_21

Hoppa_21 #9 · Sep 29th, 2015 · · · Unnamed (auto named on publish) ·

I have to say one thing at the beginning. That's an interesting way to start a displaced story!

"Let's not dwell on me, the hell happened to you three?" I walk over to them, tucking my hair behind my ears.

I kind of expected him to whine/complain about his hair and his room at that point. He striked me as some light version of Blueblood!

"Or did my marvelous magic destroy you, my horny friend?"

I love that joke! It gets never old!

"No muzzle, no horn, no wings, no hooves, obviously no coat. Hm," he pondered and smoked his pipe, causing puffs of smoke to come out which transformed into wine glasses with wings before flying off.

Smoke? That's not child friendly anymore! Wine glasses aren't making it better. Cue: child friendly.

Crystalis McCloud

Crystalis McCloud #10 · Sep 29th, 2015 · · · Unnamed (auto named on publish) ·

Definitely an interesting base premise at the very least, though I do admit that throughout the chapter I felt the overwhelming desire to revamp several paragraphs while still keeping he basic overall structure and flow of the story. In a way, that's a compliment, because I usually only feel that way about a story that has a ton of potential, but I just see so many things that I would make better. Overall, you do have a fairly good grasp of what I think most people would think the reformed Kuja would act like (given that he pretty much dies right after his reform at the end of the game), but there's so much context missing from the story that it just feels incredibly sudden and out of nowhere. I totally understand the in-media-res approach of this, showing the hook first and saving the exposition for later, but there's some amount of explanation that you need to go with it and allow the readers to pull themselves in.

Also, you really need to have a scene break of some kind. It's barely noticeable when you make a slightly larger spacing between a scene end and the start of the next one. I for one and fond of doing this...

~*~*~*~*~*~

... between scenes as such.

Overall, I do think this could be a great story, but there's definitely ways it could be smoothed out.

(Edit: Welp, didn't realize that this was a Displaced story. Even so, I think it would actually be better as the real Kuja in Equestria, but that's just me. Honestly, from everything said in the story, I thought 100% that it was the genuine Kuja and not a Displaced, except with the brief mention of Hulk Hogan that totally threw me off.)

Grey Ghost

Grey Ghost #11 · Sep 29th, 2015 · · · Unnamed (auto named on publish) ·

6475145 I would have gone with real Kuja but, there are already several stories with reformed Kuja in them. Also, this was thought to have been edited, by both me and my editor but apparently it wasn't, so thats on me.

Crystalis McCloud

Crystalis McCloud #12 · Sep 29th, 2015 · · · Unnamed (auto named on publish) ·

6475196 Honestly, I wouldn't let that deter me if I were you. If that was what first spawned the idea in your head, it's probably the best way to go. Granted, Displaced stories do seem to use reincarnated humans that share aspects of the personality of the character they become, like my favorite one starring Gilgamesh, but I think you've got a great grasp of the real Kuja's personality. (Maybe a little more playful fabulous snark towards any and everyone around him)

Sure, plenty of people work their stories with Good Guy Kuja, but that's because there's a wonderful interplay of malevolence and kindness that you can mix in with him. You touched the tip of that with the fight against Tirek, too. Even if others have done it, no one has done it YOUR WAY. Have confidence that you can do something with it if that's what you initially intended to do. Still, if you have your heart set on Displaced now, I certainly can't stop you, but really you don't need to change anything but the Hulk Hogan reference to remove all current trace of it.

Grey Ghost