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The Lost One

James hates his life, and doesn't want it. When he gets sucked into equestria will he be able to control what has happened to him?

Chapters (4)

Chapter 1 · 23rd Sep 2015 · 1,149 words
1,149
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Chapter 2 · 29th Sep 2015 · 1,293 words
1,293
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Chapter 3 · 1st Oct 2015 · 996 words
996
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Update · 8th Oct 2015 · 34 words
34
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Comments ( 3 )

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The Nameless Pony

The Nameless Pony #1 · Sep 24th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1 ·

This isn't bad for a first fanfic and I hope you keep going. Writing a story is harder than it seems so I can give you a few pointers to begin with.

First off, show don't tell. This sin't really an issue with this piece for two reasons: it's a short piece, and there is a lot of dialogue. However, some people don't mind a lot of dialogue so this probably isn't that big of an issue.

There are a few things that could be improved such as being aware of word repetition (sucking, sucked, sucking into vortex), but these skills will develop over time. Read over your work two or three times and have the computer read it back to you as you listen. Put very simply, if it sounds wrong it will read wrong (yes, I know that's a bad sentence )

The only thing that takes me out of the story is when James wants to go to bed. He's just waken up in a very different and magical world, I don't think he'd be so quick to just go to sleep. I just know that I would be far too excited or afraid to suddenly feel safe enough to sleep.

But don't get down, this is a really good effort. The hard part is keeping it up. So good luck! Hope my simple notes help you out!

EntropicBankai