- Member Since 21st Sep, 2015
- offline last seen Feb 8th, 2022
Muffin Derper
Muffins is Love Muffins is Life. "I find your lack of Muffins Disturbing" -Darth Derpy
Muffin Derper
Joined 21st Sep, 2015 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Mariacheat-Brony · 129k words · 1,207 35 · 16k views
- overlord-flinx · 25k words · 716 41 · 13k views
- overlord-flinx · 5.7k words · 206 11 · 3.6k views
- TopQuark · 11k words · 1,308 40 · 20k views
- overlord-flinx · 3.8k words · 83 11 · 822 views
- Solas Mean Oiche · 47k words · 497 34 · 3.1k views
- Kapuchu · 7.8k words · 296 20 · 5.4k views
- ColeTrain4EVER · 14k words · 74 3 · 1.9k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.107 seconds
Total duration
599 users online
673,631 hits today, 2,439,861 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
You write Octavia well. I wish I could write her as well as you could. Otherwise a good start.
Intrigued so far, in to see where this goes. Hoping I caught a whiff of harem but I'll reserve judgement for now.
A decent start, could use some improvements however. For example:
"The tub is near full and you shut the faucet off."
I shut the faucet off? What I am doing in the story? Was I just standing there and noticed the faucet was still on and turned it off for Richard and he's just all like: "Oh hey, thanks dude who I have no idea how you got in here." Then calmly walked off?
Okay I'm being a bit harsh, but that's what happens in my mind when a tense change like that happens. I don't mind 3rd to 1st person or vice versa all that much, barely notice it. But changing to and from 2nd person is a bit jump.
Also: “ *sigh* Fine, I guess I can get back to work.” No. Don't do that. Write out that Vinyl sighed whilst talking or before she spoke in the description. Don't turn this into a movie script or something. This is prose.
I see this one a lot of this site too: "“Damn did you have this planned already?” Vinyl shook her head."
Someone correct me if I'm wrong but I'm pretty sure that the rule is, is that if someone speaks and it doesn't have the usual he said/she said stuff, then the person who's in the paragraph with the sentence said it. For example:
"What in Equestria?" Twilight poked her head into the room in time to see Spike chewing on Pinkie's tail.
"Uh, Twilight! Hi! Uh, this isn't what it looks like, I promise!"
So in your story there were moments like this that threw me: "“Vinyl, what the fuck? Octavia's here.” Vinyl pulled his cock out of her mouth"
They way that is written makes it appear as if Vinyl is talking about herself in third person.
Finally, right at the end there you forgot to capitalize Vinyl's name.
So yeah, tighten up your writing a bit and you'll have something.