Aspiring author with an over active imagination. I'm ether very lucky or very cursed with the combination.
The fate of Equestria once again hangs in the balance. But it comes in the form of the deadliest organism imaginable. A super predator made to hunt apex predators. A form of life dedicated to the eradication of any organism born under a star.
Help however doesn't come from Equestria's God Princesses or The Elements of Harmony... It too comes from the stars... In the form nopony would ever suspect.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Overall, an interesting premise, and I will watch to see where this goes. But, might I make a recommendation?
I understand you want readers to be aware that the AI's voice can only be heard by Scootaloo but the use of quote blocks for that is jarring. Admittedly while I do use quote blocks in my stories, I do so for things like signs a character reads and even then only rarely. Using them for dialogue markers when the dialogue is rapid and frequent hurts immersion.
Don't worry! There are many alternatives you could use without having to make use of non-traditional quote characters. Example:
Monospace!
Smallcaps!
Both options are much less jarring than using quoteblocks, but still show something is different about the AI's dialogue. The code for these options is simple too.
Monospace
[mono]...[/mono]Smallcaps
[smcaps]...[/smcaps]That said, this is an interesting idea, reminds me of Applebloom Transform and Roll Out, an all time fav of mine, so I'd love to see more!
9686082 will do!
Alright. The premise is quite interesting, the introduction is definitely different, and I somewhat feel like reading more.
I have a hard time believing they are, or at least might be, humans. All the metallic descriptions led me to believe they were more... mechanical in nature, however, I suppose cyborgs and androids are a thing, so heavily modified beings are also possible. The names are... different as well. I must say, I enjoyed seeing the technique of only naming off important or key characters. It keeps things simple, yet still allows a sense of flow and story-building. I will confess though, the "redacted" side of things toward the... creature... hunter-thing is a tad annoying. It wasn't done poorly, not at all, but, I suppose, that it just isn't something I really... like.
Through the last paragraph, I have come to a realization. This chapter, to my knowledge, falls under two circumstances: the writing is a transmission, message, or recording that may be freely modified to suit the needs of... I'd say the council to keep information of the utmost importance secure, or this falls under "unreliable narrator", as they, the narrator, freely changes the event. Ultimately, I can't say it is important one way or another which it is, but that was an observation I made...
The way the council is presented reminds me of something, but I can't place my fingers on it; "Most esteemed" this and "Highly praised" that. Tim, on the other hand, doesn't seem all that interesting as of yet... given it is the first chapter, that is to be expected. More time with him is clearly needed. I liked the "classic Tim move" that happened near the end. But I especially liked the part that the aunt is in the body of her thirteen year old self because, I quote, "Best years of my life!" XD
This was a really short comment. Maybe I'll get a better sized one written next time. I'm trying to cut down on ramblings with these things.
Wow rude, someone get me this thing's manager.
9698714
administrative AI are never known for their politeness or their people skills.
The juice from errr Fortnight?
9711354
lol nope!
I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy this.
9712068
I still find it hilarious that you put the trainees in minecraft
9734801
9734753
I just realized the obvious minecraft reference. Can't believe it took until now.
9735933
Well, i did try to give the mobs an "alien" feel to them, like the six legged wolves
9736019
I just play minecraft ALOT so it shames me to not see what the game was in the first chapter with it.
Haaaaa. So far interesting
Uuuuhm -not- a clue
Minecraft
*its own volition.
Anyway, while the sci-fi concepts are interesting, this doesn’t feel like a My Little Pony fanfiction.
You, have my full attention. Please, keep this up, and keep going strong.
I kind of like this story. It has issues, but that's' all part of learning to write.
If I could make a quick recommendation? Since it seems to be told from Scootaloo's perspective, you should have here thoughts be in italics, always.
I would also recommend you try and find an editor, if at all possible.
Too much speeding. There doesn't seem to be that much emotion when Scootaloo gives up and talks about her box home. You can improve this story quite a bit, but it would take a lot of effort and changing some of the fundamentals of your design.
A good way to make it seem more realistic is to try and show the readers what Scootaloo is feeling from time to time. I get very few of it; it's almost like she's just going through the motions and is far too stoic to be seen as an actual child.
Well this is slow-fast and the prologue seems to have no impact beyond cyborg homeless Scootaloo existing.
This story gets a 6/10 for above average.