Sending an invitation to the Royal castle to Prince Blueblood is a simple trick of the light. Since Pinkie Pie knows how to word and write it all, there is no telling the fake from an actual invitation.
A Prince is to know and appreciate the finer things in life, the visit to the SPA should go along. Escorted by a high guard sounds legit enough to him.
Unbeknownst to him, it is Pinkie Pie orchestrating the show, instructing the guards to take turn to wait for the Prince. Of course she knows her treats and SPA, never forgetting a single detail.
Just how resilient the Prince is to the humiliating adversities, as he discovers what he did not expect to be there, deep within him.
Chapters (1)
....Okay what happened?
First off you need to fix your description because I was very confused at what it meant. Second, was there supposed to be a joke? I saw several parts of what might have been the set up for a joke but I never saw it happen. And third check the invite you left a sentence inside that you didn't mean to.
6404831 If it is the Description I think you mean, as opposed to the Summary, I guess I can see how this is a bit on the confusing end. Could add a few words in order to clear it up, I hope.
Care to elaborate on the specifics in order for me to see what you had in mind?
Is that the tag you refer to? Would it be better to pull it out of the "Printed Quote of the message?
This has an interesting character line-up -- you don't see many featuring both Pinkie and Blueblood! It does feel a bit like the buildup to a joke that never gets its punchline, though. I will be honest and say that I downvoted this, but would not have done had the writing been better technically. I don't want to post a big list of nitpicks, since I don't think that helps anyone to write better, but -- for example -- the word "spa" doesn't need to be in capitals, as it's not an acronym. I suspect this would be a better story had you spent more time on it, instead of rushing off to another story straight away. I understand that you get a lot of ideas, but sometimes it's better to say "No" to your muse and pick and choose a bit more. Whatever you decide, good luck. :)
6609130 Pinkie Pie is such a lovable and excitable Pony, I have numerous stories featuring her.
On Prince Blueblood, I just recently started to include him after I figured out who he is, based on a set of different approximations and .
Would you even search for the two as a couple or group in the first place, considering where the Prince came from and how he was presented in the first place? I doubt too many would, myself included.
Note that I have a series of stories featuring them together. On the matter of the punchline you felt lacking, I could appreciate suggestions on that part.
Since the story has been left to rest for a few weeks, I could go over it in search for anything I could improve upon here.
I still think a few small suggestions could go a long way towards improving the story, if you have something you think would be interesting.
I just recently heard where this came from, but it is a Pinkie Pie episode and all that comes with it on vocabulary and such included. if that covers all the bases is for you as reader to decide. If it doesn't, feel free to point out something, even if you choose to leave things unsaid?
I constantly leave numerous ideas on the wayside, or just line out the idea for later.
I don't know what experience you have with leaving comments on stories, but I try to make my best to pick up on what is said and make the most out of it. Even if I don't pick all that is said, I sometimes find something you did not point out as a result of your comment too.
There is a good reason for why I placed the story on the group for comments.
6609343 First, thank you for taking the time and trouble to write such an interesting reply.
I might, actually. Every so often, I make a point of looking for stories with unusual character combinations. For example, I read this story fairly recently; it features Luna and Pipsqueak.
I'm not very good at punchlines, which is why I don't think I could write your story any better than you did. I was commenting as a reader first and foremost. But in general terms, a Pinkie-style one-liner would have been a fun way to end. I don't know whether you like including fourth-wall breaks, but one of those might work too (like Pinkie's trombone playing at the very end of "Swarm of the Century").
Okay, then I will. I was being cautious because not every author appreciates that sort of nitpicky stuff. I find it helpful myself, but not everyone does. Here's one from the description:
I've already mentioned the "spa" thing, but that could be slightly recast for a slightly better effect, like this:
A more general point now, from the start of the main story:
You're not writing an episode script, so this sort of thing is unnecessary. Generally speaking, it should be obvious to the reader who the perspective character is. (The main exception is in a mystery story, for example not revealing that it's Trixie in the shop at the start of "Magic Duel").
Hooves. The Doctor's name is also now (officially) spelled that way.
This is an example of tense shifting, where some of a scene is written in the present tense and some in the past tense. That's usually a bad idea, as it confuses the reader. Given that this story is written in the past tense, change "knows" to "knew" and "has" to "had". Also, "brought" should have "been" in front of it.
Here, you have two sentences run together. There are several ways you can fix this, but here's a straightforward example:
There are several other examples of this, such as this one:
In that paragraph, as well as the run-ons, you also have the repeated use of "greeting(s)", which sounds awkward. As an example of how you could achieve the same thing, you could try:
So, just a few suggestions, as you requested. One thing you clearly don't need any help with is imagination -- I'm envious of the number of ideas you have! That's good, of course, since while you can always improve on the technical stuff, you can't learn imagination from nothing.
One final comment, though:
Be careful with that, since Fimfiction's rules changed last week, and it's now against the rules to publish a chapter that isn't finished. You're fine if it's a complete chapter of an incomplete story, though I still think you'd get more views if you were more selective -- for example, if you only published the best two or three out of every 10 ideas. That's your decision and not mine, though.
I hope that's been useful. As I said last time, good luck -- and thank you again for being so courteous in your reply.
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We do have a fair idea of who Luna is by now, she has been explored and fleshed out continuously in numerous episodes, yet I haven't seen anything on Pip Squeak until the episode there the CmC got their marks together.
On that note, I do pick up a few more or less uncommon combinations on and off, from time to time.
This is basically a Pinkie Pie episode; but the Prince is still essential to the plot, or the story would never have been in the first place.
The fourth wall, isn't that one of her signature moves? She seems to know impossible details well ahead of time and pops out of the screen in one way or the other.
Swarm of the Century, as in "..and the Punch is Spiked" ?
Yeah, I know. We all see these on and off from time to time. Bumping up dumb responses on ill adviced occasions. Like excuses for the OOC spelling of names with no real reason behind it.
This is one of the very few details I leave in the note. I initially write this line to myself, before I even start writing the chapter. I only move it to the top once the chapter is completed, if there is a new POV in the chapter.
Now, this is a One-Shot, so it is the only chapter of this particular story.
On that point, I don't rewrite a chapter in order to point out who is in POV, Sometimes I feel I have a reason to to introduce a chapter by a secondary character.
You say that they have changed his names? since I go by Site Canon spelling, I would have to change this the instant I see the change. Since you mentioned the good Doctor, I have chosen to pick this name for her when she is in a relation with the Doctor as opposed to one of her other names when she is not. I hope this will not bother my readers.
Just curious as to how you view Pinkie Pie antics in speech, thought or action written out in text; since she has the habit of twisting language fairly often.
I noticed another detail I felt I had to change on this part as I re-read the story in order to go over the story. I am fairly sure you will notice it if you read the story again, after I changed this part.
I have heard of this as a problem, which it is if it is not done just right.
Otherwise, I use it as a means to express that one thing is a direct cause of another act.
That shirt a line can be a run-on?
I commonly use the word Greetings! in more formal speech, as opposed to informal speech with characters like Pinkie Pie and Applejack; in which case it is hi, hiya or hello.
There is one point I love banging on the head of certain Grammar Nazis on occasion.
Wait, it is against the rules to publish an unfinished chapter?
The ideas I mentioned are just g-docs with a story. I have several completed chapters unpublished, but no incomplete chapters published.
A story begin by writing the description and summary. But I only publish once I have an acceptable chapter to champion the story. Sometimes I write one or more chapters prior to the champion chapter by which I publish the story. Hope there is no rules against this practice.
Ps: I think Princess Luna could be the Punch-Line, if you remember the episode where she enlisted Rainbow Dash to arrange a cloud over the door where Spike exited, setting him up with a mean hick-up. Aside from a few other amusing effects.
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No -- that quote is from "Owl's Well that End's Well". The bit I was thinking of is where Pinkie plays the trombone towards the camera as the final scene fades out in S1E10.
Yes -- that's a result of the recent "Character Tag Survey" the site did. Here are the results, in which you can see that "Doctor Whooves" will now be listed as "Dr. Hooves". Derpy's second name has been spelled "Hooves" here for quite a while already.
Ah, that could make a blog post all on its own! To me, it depends a lot on context. When I wrote It Doesn't Matter Now, one of only two fics I've written which feature Pinkie as a main character, it was the aspect that I took longest to get right. Yes, she does twist language -- but she knows her grammar very well. She doesn't make mistakes with her English; it's just... Pinkie-English.
As for her more physical comedy, I use slightly more expressive words (sproing, blip, etc) to play up her "cartoonishness" compared to other ponies.
Yes, and that's fine. The reason I changed it in my example was simply that using "greetings" and "greeted" in the same sentence looked awkward, and I felt it was more useful as the verb than in direct speech. You can certainly say things like this if you prefer:
Okay, on we go.
Yes -- and so can even shorter lines. For example, "It is midnight, we are late" is a run-on. You could change the comma to a semicolon or dash, you could split it into two sentences or you could add one or more words after the comma (eg "It is midnight, which means we are late").
Yes. The rules page says this:
That only applies to content published on Fimfiction -- you don't have to worry about that rule for stuff on GDocs. From what you said, I think you're fine.
One other rule change is that you are now banned from showing anyone unpublished chapters unless they're helping you with the writing process, eg as an editor or pre-reader.
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I thought Swarm of the Century, was the meteor shower, from which my quote was from.
I have the discs for seasons One and Two, by now.
I will go over the result, seems the one I did post got through. Poor ol' Trouble Shoes..
Oh, and I may have to consider changing a few tags along the way, depending on the once that will be up after the changes are fully in force.
I may be guilty of posting a few blogs on her in various directions.
Pinkie Pie is one of my mane characters overall, even if others are represented, but my main problem is Apple-Talk and the Zebra dialect. I use most of the Pink gibberish in her speech, I hope.
Sometimes, Pinkie Pie have an assistant or agent helping her, and she may not even be guilty of all the pranks herself, such as in Gilda the Brushoff, in which case Rainbow Dash had set up numerous pranks independently.
Just one greeting in the sentence, then?
So it is more in the wording and punctuation, that what you actually do say?
That sounds touchy. Yet; I guess there could be instances, when incomplete chapters published could be a problem too.
So long as published, indicate that I have to hit Publish, and not make it impossible to leave a half finished chapter on the FiM drive.
Well, I guess I could call everyone a pre-reder, if I ask them to give advanced comments?
Even if even a pre-reader doesn't have to actually give any comments to be a pre-reader.
I only hope the chapters unpublished until the due date for publication and advertizement reasons.
Otherwise, thy could always ask to see the original doc at google.
Ps: I found a confusion as to who was actually in the room at the second half of the story, I hope I corrected this problem as well.
6612417
Generally speaking, repeating words close together is a bad idea, since it makes you look unimaginative. I know you're not, but not everyone will. So yes, sticking to just the one is best.
In a way, yes. If two parts of a sentence you write could stand alone as separate sentences, then a comma isn't enough to separate them. You need a semicolon, dash or full stop (period). Which of those is best is something you just have to learn by experience, since there's no single right answer that covers all situations.
If you're asking for feedback before publishing, then I think that counts as helping in the writing process, so that should be fine. What you can't do, I believe, is to give advanced access to people who solve a puzzle or follow you or whatever. They have to do something specifically related to helping you write the specific story/chapter you're sharing.
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Even if English have a few dreadful double takes on a single word, such as: I had had it.., but otherwise, I have been working pretty hard on avoiding lining up words in that fashion, even if it is just the first word of a sentence or a paragraph, as well.
Otherwise, a story like this one should put all the doubts of my imagination to shame, I hope.
Right now, I am working on integrating the Semi, in place of the colon and pull as many comas out of the text as I can. While I notice I sometimes even add a few comas to the story. If that is a coincident, but Coma does sound like a bad thing if you take it from the wrong context.
I guess I could still use some help here. The colon is something I use for a counting action, and the semi sounds like a two third stop. Can't use too many of these in the same sentence, either.
As to the Dashie, I certainly need something to go on, before I risk her into the text, as opposed to the stories.
Yesh, that is my point on the issue as well, but there are a few simple rules that gives a Heads Up on what they are for, right?
Then I guess I just need to ask them to give me a few comments and hints as to what I can do with the story, if I give anyone the pass to the story. Of course, I can always change said Pass at any given moment for any or no reason.
When you say; Solve a puzzle, it sounds like a prize or an award. These people have not directly done anything for the story or even expressed a special interest in the episode.
As to the Followers, they may be interested in my writing, but have not directly expressed any interest in a specific story or Episode within said story.
Of course, I can't be sure if others crack the code to a story; It isn't as if they are impossible to crack, even without my help. On that account, one could place a pointer in the Author's Note; asking the once reading this to give a thought on the text in the chapter?
6615018
Oh, that would be fine. I mean more in situations where you have a choice, as with the "greetings" thing. English has such a big vocabulary that it's usually fairly easy to get round the problem.
Yes. If you're writing in American English, the Chicago Manual of Style's "Punctuation" page is a good starting point, as it has a nice, clear, Q&A format with some helpful examples. (I'm British, so I write slightly differently, but that's beside the point here!)
I'm not on the site staff, so I can't give a definite answer, but that sounds okay to me.
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Silly me, I just had to make the point. Yet, my editor aids complain about these things.
If it is that good, maybe I should give it a look; even if I commonly go by the Queen's English. We did learn the British English first and foremost at school, where I came from. On that note, I guess this still isapplicable for the Apple-Talk, in cases when the Apples are involved?
Aw, you are not? Me neigh THER(e)
Oh well, I have had a fairly long and close relation to the staff in asking them on occasion, when they fail my stories. Just that this just so happen to be a new issue.
Not that I ever openly gave the codes to my followers. People can go crack codes as they please.
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Oh, I didn't realise you weren't a native English speaker. That explains some things, sure. :) What language do you speak at home, then?
Heh... writing for AJ and her family is mostly personal preference. For example, I never use "ah" instead of "I", but some writers do. On the other hand, I omit final Gs in words like "hollerin'" which some writers don't. :P
6630038
I guess I should take that as a compliment?
When you look at the origin of the speaker, I guess it does explain why she chose the words and expressed the opinion she expressed, HuH?
Since you figured it out, I can as well let on? Sweeden.
Since I hear her expressing it and pronouncing it on the show, I have her to continue the uses and practices in my stories as well. With an exception or two, if I can explain why it isn't there in the story. (such as in a Star Trek Cross-Over)
I think I have heard that on occasion, but can't recall hearing any of the Apples, or even the Appaloosans pronouncing these. I try to follow the site and Canon as far as I can on these issues. Even if some stories are clearly venturing outside of canon, even giving the liberty of the films that are currently out.