A mysterious group of men has been kidnapping young women and turning them into ponies against their wills to sell them as slaves to some of the corrupt rich for profit. One such victim has been turned into a purple unicorn pony and was dubbed Twilight Sparkle by her captors. She has resigned herself to her fate as a pony slave and was awaiting the day for IT to happen... That is until the man who bought her has no such plans for her...
-
This is an Alternative Universe where the mane cast are originally human but were turned into their pony forms. Each chapter will begin with a transformation of the character who has the more prominent role in the current one and most of the plot happens afterwards, that way if you don't like transformations or view them as a fetish (when it really isn't in this case), you can skip it and continue with the story at hand.
While I did add Adventure to the tags, the characters don't really travel that much, but since there isn't a Mystery and Drama category in this site (which is what this story is), I had no choice but to use this tag for the both of them.
I forgot to introduce myself, my name is Red Bomber here, but my actual internet name is Guilrel and I am the actual author of this Dark Alternative which is based off on Toongrowner's ideas of Dark Alternative Universes and I got his permission to post the story here. The reason I didn't do this before because I was a closet brony I didn't want to let my watchers know that I like the show too, especially since my first fanfic to the show is a story like this. I was actually afraid of losing them because alot of people just do that to the authors and artists they're watching and go "Oh no. Not you too." and then de-watches them. But now I don't really care about that anymore and I'll go into more detail about this on my own journal. Anyway about the nature of this story, while this isn't a clopfic, I feel like that this is the furthest almost mature story I've ever written and I'm afraid of how many people will not like it. But I have to accept it that this will happen and I hope I'll actually have the heart to finish what I started. Because I really wanted help Toongrowner expand his idea and he's a really nice friend of mine for a while now, I can't really let him down now that I'm this far.
Please view the stories in our individual galleries as well.
Toongrowner (My Provider and the one who thought of it all):
Chapter 1: http://toongrowner.deviantart.com/art/Dark-Alternative-My-Little-Slave-Ch-1-277696514
-Chapter 2-
Part 1: http://toongrowner.deviantart.com/art/Dark-Alternative-My-Little-Slave-Ch-2-part-1-302867563
Part 2: http://toongrowner.deviantart.com/art/Dark-Alternative-My-Little-Slave-Ch-2-part-2-302867753
Part 3: http://toongrowner.deviantart.com/art/Dark-Alternative-My-Little-Slave-Ch-2-part-3-302867983
Me (Guilrel The Author):
Chapter 1: http://guilrel.deviantart.com/art/Dark-Alternative-My-Little-Slave-Ch-1-304382847
-Chapter 2-
Part 1: http://guilrel.deviantart.com/art/Dark-Alternative-My-Little-Slave-Ch-2-Part-1-3-304385451
Part 2: http://guilrel.deviantart.com/art/Dark-Alternative-My-Little-Slave-Ch-2-Part-2-3-304385954
Part 3: http://guilrel.deviantart.com/art/Dark-Alternative-My-Little-Slave-Ch-2-Part-3-3-304386294
>teen rating
two thumbs way down bro
650299
Despite that none of it actually happens in the story itself but off screen and the only graphic thing is transformations, the implications of it and the transformation are too much for this rating? Thanks for reading it though.
Dat picture.
Dat flank.
Whoo! Yeah, it up!
...Dufaq?
650455
I think I saw Poultron actually do this kind of review on many other stories....
...
...
should not want
Still enjoyed it though.
650299
650522
Just what I was thinking. I don't think there's a problem with ponies and humans getting together; hell, I've already done it in my stories. My concern here is the lack of real explanation that the drug seems to turn them a little too pliant for sex, or that it's not clear how it's befuddling their mind. You "can't" just forget who you are; if hope was seen in her eyes, then she would not forget who she was and that would lead to a very big disconnect.
Secondly, the guy can pony up (pun intended) $1.2M for Twilight but doesn't have a second room in the house to offer her? If she's that tied into sex, I'd be concerned about being raped by the pony if she's that unhinged. If he's trying to be helpful and I were in his shoes, I would have offered her freedom or the chance to be the first employee of an organization to assist said ponies; then I would have offered her the spare bedroom (because if I can spend $1.2M I think I can afford something bigger than what sounds like a one-bedroom bungalow.)
To me, this story seems like it was intended to be a mature fic and then got cleaned up just before posting. I might be wrong, but that's the vibe I'm getting.
S'like something out of a fringe hentai... Not that I'm complaining, of course.
It's a good start, but you you keep changing between past and present tense. Get an editor on that and this has potential.
650580
This filled my mind with fuq.
this is intresting
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_O_O.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Octavia_plot.png
650580
Oh okay, it's just that I wanted to be somewhat fair for the ones who came across this on DA and they have to wait for the second chapter for about 4 months. Which does eventually answer the questions/fridge logic you have. I guess I made the main guy seem naive (and thoughtless as in stupid thoughtless that a last commentor had said aobut him in DA). But this is the first time I'm making a story like this, but that's no excuse. I guess I have to say wait until tomorrow to get your questions answered.
650644
Actually, I would rewrite this section extensively, or if the second part is critical, combine them and REWRITE. Sometimes there's a critical break and you have to fix these things beforehand. And you write what you write, nothing fair or unfair about it; each person has their own speed and techniques. But no technique or speed can fix a story broken out of the gate.
650670
I see, I guess I have to do this next time I write a story. I guess that explains the other dislikes and ones incoming. But unfortunately this is the Chapter 1 I have in DA and having people ask these kinds of questions after reading the first chapter is supposed to keep you interested in the story. I suppose this is one of those times of doing it wrong.
650693
There's good interested and bad interested. This is the bad kind.
There should have been some sort of explanation on the drug and what it does. Does it put the ponies into perpetual heat? If so, then it should be explained that they need to, ahem, be "taken care of" regularly, or else they die fairly quick from cervical cancer. If it's that it alters their mindset, then it turns them into Little Pony Sex Machines (and I don't mean that in a good way); if that were the case, the main character would be walking into a pony orgy in progress, not waiting for them to be picked.
Plus, if there's a formula that can do that, there has to be something that changes them back. Maybe not physically, but at least so that (and yes, I'm going to get killed for this example) the kidnapped "Twilight Sparkle" can go back to her mindset as Tara Strong, college student pre-kidnapping. A cured Ms. Strong (even if she feels she needs to keep the name Twilight since she's not physically human any longer) would be a very effective ally and a fair way to have a romance option in this story. Remember: "A man chooses, a slave obeys." Twilight with human mindset would be a more caring and decent person than Twilight "let's practice making babies ever thirty minutes" pony..
650455 I've read this eight times and I still can't make out what I just read.
This story looks like it has a lot of potential, but that potential lies within the great, uncharted lands of the 'Mature Valley', a land of brutal, wreckless clopfics, gorefics, and shame, where only the strangest of the most loved come out on top.
650801
Shouldn't that be "most loved of the strangest"?
Hmm... This concept is... Interesting. Tracking.
650730
Oh man, this is definitely the bad kind. Maybe I should have uploaded both at once or waited until I finished all of it before submitting this. Those kind of questions about the physical changes are answered in the 3rd chapter, which I have yet to write. :( I can maybe not give up too much about the mentality. I think I'll just repeat what my provider, Toongrowner, said that helped me get started with the atmosphere in "the store," There are some ponies who embraced this change, others that don't, ones who keep on fighting (Lyra), and ones who are in the semi-middle of all of those feelings. I guess admitting that Twilight's actions and personality contrasting to rest of the ponies and how she acted back there negates the foreshadowing, apoor man's foreshadowing, like D or E grade or something. But I'll just stand by of what I wanted to do here and hang on with just this chapter until tomorrow. At least now I have an idea of what I should do when making another story that isn't a one shot.
Shin, do you have any suggestions on what I should do to make people interested in a story without giving a way too much information about the plot?
me gusta
650814
Nope!
650801
After taking a look at Taken, I don't think so, this movie also deals with a man's daughter being kidnapped for prostitution and even shows a little of it for the rest of the victims, but it never goes into that much detail about what "exactly" goes on in there. So I don't think the characters talking about it and getting sex off screen warrent's a mature rating.
As for the transformations, like I said in my description if you think of it as a fetish, you can skip it, but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't be. Transformations used to happen in some cartoons back in the 90s and it wasn't that much of a big deal, not to mention they were supposed to scare and unnerve you in the first place. But I'm also pretty sure that I'm not going into too much detail to actually warrent one a mature rating as well, unless I mention Twilight's... other stuff, in that sequence. I don't think I actually did that.
Besides that, I think my real problems are the pacing I did in the story, how I handled Twilight's change, and a "bit" of everyone's abhorrence of relating dark stories to being hard core gore and expecting to be shown the sex happening rather than being mentioned. The Teen rating automatically came up with those categories as soon as I made it, but because of it not actually happening in the story is why I didn't choose it.
650992
But in Taken, things are assumed because it's still human to human. Once you used the formula, you applied the Wells principle and thus needs to be fixed. Just my thoughts on it.
650992
I'm not insulting the story!
I'm just saying that the title, combined with the picture which usually gives away a story's content, makes this story seem like something that would usually go in the Mature section of FIMFiction.
651054
I knew I forgot something in my reply to you. But you're right, the picture and the title doesn't really help my case that much. ^^;
651005
I see. I also I have a new term I need to look up now.
interesting
i256.photobucket.com/albums/hh194/ejectionseatfixer/Go_On.jpg
651060
The Wells Principle, from HG Wells, is thus: "you must have the strange in the familiar, or the familiar in the strange or the familiar in the familiar, for if you put the strange in the strange, no one will understand and no one will care." In short, people must be able to understand your character. A human is familiar. Twilight Sparkle is familiar. The setting is not, and a woman who turns into the likeness of Twi but isn'ther is not either.
encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQtO4QfdvnstUocTSsI3DfRnsChMqRbpaA2KWKHKa3xqNrzQPOB
This is a good read! You shouldn't really worry about minor grammatical errors, unless there are grammar-nazis around.
~Faint dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Rainbow_dealwithit.png
651311
Okay, now I understand more about what I did wrong. I did something that was familiar to me and those like me, so rather than try to explain what was going on I just assumed that my readers knew what was going on (basically a targeted audience). But because of my failure to recognize that not everyone will understand right off the bat, I ended up having those mixed results, and just raises further questions from most of the readers. I even see it that it could be just a standard clop fic or a subverted one. But because I threw transformation and memory loss into scenario, everything is strange except for our designated hero and even he's strange too. Most of the stories I've read normally read actually began and end like that (well, not necessary), that's why it was familiar to me, but it doesn't help that I'm the writer so I know what's going on. But I guess that's what you meant to combine the second critical part if some questions are answered later on, rather than leave it off like that.
651645
But I am trying to become a better writer as well as a better story teller so pointing off grammer mistakes and suggestions how to tell a story better is appreciated.
651653 I understand that, as i am a new writer myself. All i am saying is that don't worry about certain little grammar errors. Spelling mistakes, yea, worry about those. Some major grammar errors, worry about. Also, I guess I can help you with better telling the story:
YOU ARE DOING JUST FINE! NO ONE CAN TELL YOU HOW TO DO BETTER, BECAUSE YOU DON'T NEED IT!
DAMN YOU, RICH SUPER CLOPPERS!!!!!!!!!!
652145
dude......I think you should take a brake from ponies
652145
The other dude is right.
Take a break from ponies.
You're actually being serious on the internet.
653777 Some people are serious all the time, and I find that a tribute to them. The internet is the most exposed place in existence, where everything is recorded and practically anyone can find it. You do something here, plan for it to be seen be all of existence, even if it isn't.
That being said, I do enjoy some of the stupidity displayed online every now and then.
652145 You have some good points. MLP is a lighthearted depiction of a fantasy world, just it is still realistic enough to relate to for many people. That's why there are so many fans of the show that defy gender barriers.
Your statement regarding cloppers has some merit, but I find myself mixed on that one. I personally agree that clopping is a perversion of the spirit of MLP to be sure, but beyond that IDK. The story does seem to be a strong diversion from the lighthearted MLP spirit, but it seems to be doing that to drive home a message. What exactly that message is is still anybody's guess though.
Finally, yeah take a break and calm down. I may be overly optimistic, but I think a lot of readers of this story might already know that. Giving an impassioned lecture or speech or whatever you want to call it won't effect them much. Besides, a lecture can be read in a way that gives the illusion of anger, and anger FEEDS bronies like hate feeds Windigoes.
650455 But I like graphic transformations... I would have paced the transformations a bit differently perhaps, and redone the details, but it was okay. Not too graphic either. Then again, Graphic transformations for me generally include some kind of gore.
I hope I didn't go too far with one of the characters in this story. I just hope everyone will enjoy this chapter and stay tuned. Also, if there are any grammar mistakes, like missing words please inform me.
Edit: Here's something I forgot to mention, did anyone figure out who the characters of this FIM in this world are?
Well, this is getting both better and stranger.
I do have a foible or two with the plot though... WHERE THE BUCK DOES Ken work that lets him live in an awesome house all alone, and front 1.2 mil bucks to buy a fancy equine with impunity?!
On second thought, I would like to see this story continue, and develop in a particular manner. They manage to rescue the population of the barn, and flee to find a safe place to hide with the rescuees. In the process, they develop into a secret nation of sorts perhaps living in an isolated part of the world somewhere not to far from the "Barn." Que secret war between The perverted miserable members of the Barn and their capture equipment and the ponies and their allies (or just ponies if Ken gets transformed somehow) with their magic, flight capability, and resilience (for earth ponies anyway).
I can't help but notice that while I haven't read the Conversion Bureau stories, but this sounds a hint like that kind of stuff with a darker, more twisted purpose. Hence, the logical hope for some kind of secret war between the two factions on earth.
655936
Yeah that question will be answer in the next chapter. Although I'm kind of worried about what I say about The Barn and it's believability as it could make or break this story. While I thought Chapter 4 will be the polarizing one. Oh well, I just got to keep on writing.
Sometimes, I actually do kind of see The Barn as an evil version of a Conversion Bureau, I was actually thinking of saying that in my description. I would like to say that I want to end it in such way that others could make their own sequels that what you were talking about could happen after I'm done, but how it comes to that and what really happens to these character, you're just going have to wait like I'm doing with that very interesting Daring Do and Human fanfic. Thanks for the comment and anticipation.
Alright, you seem to have a little bit of trouble with writing, so I'll help with this a bit.
1. Dialogue tags. "When someone speaks like this, there shouldn't be a period at the end," the all-encompassing voice said. Notice the lack of a period? The same thing works with ! and ?, they both count as commas. (Small edit), if the character does actiony stuff after they speak, it doesn't count as a comma, and you SHOULD use a period.
2. Show vs. Tell. You tend to tell a lot, rather than show. If someone has a change of emotion, tell them how they show it. Like, if someone gets angry, do their eyes glow with the fire of a thousand suns? Do they furrow their eyebrows, with intent to kill glistening in their eyes? If something can be described, describe it. Just don't go _too_ overboard.
3. May just be a personal preference, but you tend to use names a lot. Of course, that's okay, but maybe you can change it up a bit every now and then. Like, if Twilight's in a depressed mood, you could call her the saddened unicorn did yada-yada. Again, this is a personal preference, not meaning you should change your style to accommodate this.
4. Some of your similes are WHACK bro. I advise getting some help with those.
5. A few of your sentences are awkward. Let me give you a really useful tip for this... read your sentences out loud. If it sounds awkward in any way, most likely it is.
That's all I have to say, I hope you take these tips to heart and improve yourself! I'll be looking forward to chapter 3.
656268
1. This is actually one of the personal troubles I have with Dialogue tags. It always perplexes me that when a character asks a question you use a question mark, but you don't when they're talking normally, it just doesn't seem fair or make sense to me. Since this is an internet fic, I think that's why punctuations are all over the place. I'll fix that later.
2. Explain their expressions? Okay I think I got it.
3. So basically you want me to refer to Twilight and Ken as who and what they are more often. I really just need to figure out when to do it then.
4. If you're referring to what Lyra was saying in her dialogue with Bonbon, I think I found a way to fix that. But I feel like with this point, I think I can actually fix them if you point them out to me and they're most likely ones that won't affect the story too much.
5. I think those might be the ones that my brother must've picked out until I explained and tell him to look at it more closely, unless they're the missing words, then you may have to point them out to me. Because I did do this once before I got it uploaded in DA by Toongrowner a week ago.
Thanks for reading it though.
651645
where did you get that emoticon from? and how can i get it?
*sits popcorn on the table rests his head on one hand the other in the popcorn*
Go on.........
long chapter much....you should probably cut it up into smaller chaptersdl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Bonbon_grin.png
661758
Believe me, I thought about it several times when writing this I didn't think I would actually make that many words for this chapter, but I felt like it was better this way though, despite that it may leave my viewers wanting more... and it might take me another 4 months to make the next one. :(
651311
Oh yeah, there was another thing, I honestly thought one of Twilight's traits: her breaking down because things did not go the way she planned them to (An aspect of her from Lesson Zero); was familiar enough.
652521
i admit i am being way too serious and i will remove that comment because i wrote it when i was in a bad mood, im usually much better keeping my opinions to myself, i guess finals week is getting to me thats all. its rule 34 in general that bugs me not just clop>>661971>>652521
662687
You made a triple comment so I had to delete 2 of them. I'm sorry, but I hope you didn't want me to keep them.
I'll admit i had my suspensions about this fic but thy were wrong this story is amazingly well thought out & written i do so hope you will continue.