Equestria's first Longest Night festival is happening, but there's a small technical problem to be solved first.
An entry for Poniverse's Mascot Competition, starring Viridian Meadows of EQ.TV and how she learned of her talents.
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- Member Since 23rd Mar, 2012
- offline last seen Last Friday
Shardikku
'The last man on earth to think that 'phoetid' is still how we humans spell that.'
Shardikku
Joined 23rd Mar, 2012 ·
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Lovely little fic you've put together here, very nice indeed! While not too much was about Viridian's cutie mark itself, it had very good pacing given its short length, and all-in-all told a well-rounded and lovely little story. Thank you very much for the entry into our contest, and best of luck with any of your future writing! Let me know if you have any questions for me!
Full disclosure, here—I'm not a judge, just a fellow entrant who decided to review all the stories submitted in this contest.
And so, Equestria's first ever camera/Fresnel lens/projector all-in-one was born. Wow. That must be one crazy crystal.
I think I'll start with your descriptive ability: it's very, very good. The first paragraph of the story alone was enough to tell me that you are great at weaving florid and engaging description. It's easily the best part of this story, and it can make a decent story good, and a good story fantastic.
Your grammar, too, is nearly perfect. You're one of the few people in this world that knows how to use a semicolon! Combine it with the florid description, and you have the ability to weave intricate and beautiful prose. Technically, I can't find much of anything to comment on, and that's a great thing.
Story-wise, there are a few things I'd like to comment on, if you'd hear me out. This one might be just me, but for a cutie mark story, the event that finds Viridian hers seems a bit . . . too simple. It was a crystal that Luna was wearing the entire night, and all she did was project it onto a larger screen. That doesn't seem like a lot to get a cutie mark, and if I didn't know what Viridian's passions were supposed to be beforehand, it would be downright confusing. I'm not sure if you ever covered that Viridian had a passion for film.
Additionally, I thought you had some extraneous text in your story, and for a story that's so short already, you generally don't want to add more words than necessary. This one also might be me and the fact I like a tight story, but I felt that the snowball fight and pre-festival lecture were somewhat unneeded events that didn't contribute to the end plot. You could eliminate those two sections entirely, and you'd suffer no loss of crucial information. True, the story would end up being much shorter, but that's just more room to elaborate on Viridian's passion for film, right?
Those are just my opinions on your story, though, and I think the positives far outweigh the negatives in any case. Take my comments however you want. Good luck in the mascot contest!
6328481 Firstly, thank you for your time taken in writing that hefty review there- it's nearly as big as my fic! And thank you also for the lovely things you said
Now, the points you bring up on the story echo my post-submission thoughts near-perfectly. The scenes which could have been missed, and looking back, I would probably miss now, were mainly for the purpose of padding, but I was hoping to add in a little development too, though I clearly see I should have expanded that hugely. I agree entirely that the events all fell too coincidentally, and felt like it too, and I really needed to concentrate on growing the character of Viridian. I've never written something using unfamiliar characters I didn't create, so it was somewhat new to me, but that's hardly an excuse.
I'll be bearing everything you've said in mind in the future, especially seeing as I dislike irrelevant things thrown into a story purely to add length myself, and I may return to drastically edit this once I've forgotten the plot enough.
6314328 I feel I somewhat missed the point of the story there :P I really meant to develop the character a lot more, but I was foolish with my timings and it all fell into a bit last-hour rush. Anyway, thank you for your niceness
And thank you both for making me smile, I do try with my writing (however it may seem..) and it's always nice to hear good things :D