Rainbow Dash gets help fomr her father in order to win a flight contest.
The first chapter is the original 1K short story written for the contest, the second is a rewrite I did much later.
Originally written for HapHazred's newest group's second contest. For the given prompt of the character Rainbow Dash.
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This is a lovely story about rainbow and her dad! Brilliant
Short but decent. 6/10
Hey there! This is a very sweet story - short and to the point. I quite liked it :D
However there are few points which I think could be done a little better. Granted, this is for a contest (I understand they have short turn-over) but hey all the more reason to be critical right?
In the beginning of the story, you included some redundant detail:
It is obvious from the context that she was irritated, so the extra detail in the middle of the speech is not needed - for me, it detracted slightly from the experience.
Moreover, you had this point here which is quite minor but did strike me as a little odd:
Considering how kind and considerate her mother came across earlier, the use of 'mad' seemed a little excessive.
You could've described her father's flight in more detail - I don't mean in mundane technical jargon like "loops" or "bank left", but more show the effects that flight had on him. How does it feel to fly so naturally? The feel of the breeze ruffling his feathers, wind wooshing past his ears, maybe his ears pop? Is it a little cold? IDK - just whatever detail is necessary for me to feel like I am flying - this is a little subjective, so take it as you will.
The ending was well done, even if the last like seemed a little awkward to me. I see what you were going for, and it's quite nice.
TL;DR it's pretty good and I hope you have a nice day! :D
-H2O
Aww, short and straightforward, but sweet. I think the father-daughter bond could have been emphasized more, but it surely still was here. I like the details you put into the pre-flight routine
One thing though. There are a few sentences starting with lowercase letter scattered thorough the text. I found them breaking the atmosphere a little.
I remember this story! Wow, this is SO much better! The original was a good idea, but this was executed amazingly! Great job!