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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Nice opening, i wonder what he and his wife was fighting about and how he got to where he currently is.
One little thing though:
I think 'his' should replace the word 'her' up there since Alfred was referring to his son after all.
6254562 Hehehe...sorry about that.
Please feel free to comment about any other small mistakes that you may find throughout the story. I do try hard to catch these small things when proofreading but sometimes I end up missing things.
Glad you like it though. There will be more of Alfred's past in the future, but I'm still super early into the story.
I dont really know what to say about this story? Dry is probably the best term. Not that im trying to dig at your writing but this story is just bland. Nothing interesting happens and im not seeing anything that hasnt been in a million other hie fics. The depressed life hating protagonist being the one that is really killing this story for me.
To be honest, i read this fic soley for the humanXdash stuff, and sadly even that was pretty lacking. Rainbow hardly interacts with alfred until they have that moment at the bar. Seems like a pretty flimsy relationship to force love into.
The style is also... grating, i guess. The 3rd person omnipotent narrator just doesn't seem to be working for this fic, it reads like its being read from a script, theres no description of anything really, were just being told whats happening, not how its happing. Its show don't tell all over.
Now I know how comments like this can be a pretty massive hit to the ego, but im not trying to take the wind out of you, keep writing i say, there is potential here. But if you want readers, try something fresh and exciting. Hie X mane 6 fics are dime a dozen and if you dont have something new and interesting to bring to them then your fic is going to fail before it even takes off.
take this advice or don't. Just food for thought
6281312 Thank you for the feedback! It really does mean a lot and I do understand where you're coming from.
I'll agree that it is fairly generic right now, but I do have some big plans. I do try to be original when I write, but unfortunately this story requires this kind of introduction, which is a little off putting. I understand that the reader wants something fresh and exciting, but I am still in the very early stages of this story. To be honest, almost all of the chapters up to this point are an introduction to the bigger plot, which will be a lot more interesting. There is so much more story to tell and I hope that people will actually give it a chance and look past the slow and generic start up.
Because there is so much more to tell, I am struggling to find the balance between detail and story. There isn't a lot of detail now because this kind of beginning has been used over and over again. There will however be a lot more focus and detail in the future, since I'll be finally writing the original and interesting idea I had to begin with. I know that it isn't really a good reason to gloss over some things but the faster I can get to the main story, the faster the audience will read something that is new and fresh.
Please don't think that I'm not taking the beginning seriously, I am. There are a few little hints to what the future has to offer and some key points are established. I just want to get past the generic opening and begin to write something different.
I also understand that I'm nowhere near the best writer. I do occasionally make mistakes and I'm always looking for help. There will be a lot more show rather than tell later on, since I'll finally be getting into the good stuff. I am still relatively new to this so any feedback at all is great. I wish I could show everyone just what I have in store, but it'll have to wait.
Thank you so much for the comment! It really does help a lot to get some honest feedback. I hope that you continue to read the story and give it a chance!