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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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i really like this story, i have enjoyed the by-play between your characters and for the most part your scenes are well writen...when you bother to write them out. that has to be one of the most glaring faults with this story is a major case of show dont tell. huge proportions of each chapter involve telling us what has happened off screen inbetween chapters which weakens and cheapens the parts you do bother to write. it is
for example take the chapter where alfred is moving out of twilight's place, taking that bit by itself and it is a great heartwarming moment full of da feels and really show the bond of friendship between twilight and alfred....but then the whole first half of that chapter glosses over very important steps in Alfred and Dash's relationship the lead up to the scene. big important and highly emotional moments like the decision to move in together or even buying a house together. those are important moments that help the reader get an idea of the relationship between your characters and are great places to slip in character development and even a bit of world building for you as a writer.
still i have enjoyed this story and hope to see more of your work in the future hope this review helps.
6276213 Thank you so much for giving some great feedback! I'm glad that you like the story so far, and I do plan to keep going at it since there is a big story to tell.
I'm sorry if I may have glossed over some scenes but I do have my reasons. This is going to be a long story. It is going to take place throughout the whole of Alfred's life, so there are a few time jumps. I know this isn't a particularly good reason to gloss over things, but to be honest, I really want to focus a lot of detail into the later parts of the story. I understand that people may be upset that I'm only focusing right now on the really key moments, but hopefully when it's all said and done you'll understand why.
Another reason why I'm not spending as much time on the beginning is because it is a little generic. I wanted to write this story because I thought I had an original idea that was really interesting, but unfortunately it needed to include this kind of set up, which is common in other fan-fictions. It may seem like an average 'human in Equestria' fic right now, but that's only because I haven't really started to break into unknown territory, which I will be doing very soon.
Thank you so much for the feedback! Sometimes it felt like I was writing for ghosts. Do not worry, I promise that there will be a lot more show rather than tell in the future. I do also understand that I'm not the best writer (and this is my first fic) so I will take your thoughts to heart and try to improve.
Once again, thank you so much for reading and giving good feedback. I hope you continue to read the story.