Chapter 1, Goodbye and Welcome
The ship was sinking, everything happened so fast, it seemed it was an engine malfunction and I swear we all heard explosions, but all that didn’t matter to me, all I cared was to keep my lovely son safe, many of the safe boats sank with the explotions, the rest were already taken, I couldn’t believe it! This wasn´t supposed to be like this, all I wanted was a peacefull vacations in a cruise around the world with my baby, now we are here in our room, wearing my life jacket and waiting for our inevitable deaths, but he is smiling, making silly faces to me, as if everything in the world was fine, It made me smile, but at the same time it broke my heart, he didn’t deserve this, no person deserved an end like this!
“No! I refuse to let my baby die like this! I’ll fight to the end, Think Mary think! I got it! I don’t know if it’ll work but I have to try!” I said and started to run to the Ship's Warehouse
Once there, It took me a while but I found what I needed, a little wooden box, big enough to put my treasure inside, I didn’t have time to test it if it floated, it was a chaos around here, people running all over the place, I filled the box with blankets, a photo with both of us together and a little letter explaining what happened.
With everything set, I just waited at the edge of the ship, Thank God no one noticed me going there, they were too busy in their own bussiness, by this time, some of them were praying, some were still running and screaming, and some were like me, they only sat on the floor and waited to make contact with the cold wáter.
- - - - - - - - - -
The ship finally sank, every person without a Lifejacket made an effort to keep floating, but I was more focused to send the box away from us, I was scared that some one would try to use it to keep himself floating, with a last push, the box started to get away from me, as I was watching the box, I couldn’t help to smile and cry at the same time, it floated! It really floated! While it was dissapearing from my sight, I was only thinking:
“I love you Jessie”
- - - - - - - - - - -
I’ve been struggling for hours, many of the people who sank with me gave up hours ago, I was getting weaker and weaker, I thought this was the end for me as well, but then I heard someone screaming, using the last of my strenght I turned around and saw it, it was a ship! I was saved! I can’t remember what happened later since I lost concious.
I woke up in the rescue ship´s infirmary, the first thing I did once I was concious was telling the captain about my baby, he was so kind to help me to look for the box, but this sea was huge, we never found it, I felt so stupid, my baby was there all alone and without any control of where he will go! nor the Captain or any of the crew judged me for what I did, in fact they told me I was a good mother, he told me that it was by pure luck they found us on time and that I did the right thing, even though it made me feel better a little, I couldn’t help to cry, I did the only thing I could at the moment, I prayed:
“God, please, Let me find my baby or at least, lead my him to a safe place, a place where he can be happy, don’t let him die all alone in this sea, please I beg you, let him find someone who will love him and protect him, maybe a poor soul who needs a confort only a son can give and who will love him as a Mother, please God please”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
IN A FAR AWAY LAND
Princess Celestia was walking in the royal gardens, finally resting for the long day Royal Court, as always it was exhausting, spoiled nobles complaining for stupid things, It was a torture, but she always gave more importance to the true problems of her nicest subjects, now in this night, she was walking and enjoying her free time, but as always, she felt alone with nopony there with her, making her company, she couldn’t even were able see her filly nephews Blueblood and Cadence because they were already sleeping, she loved them very much since the day she became their godmother and brought them to live with her in the palace after their parents acc. . . anyway, even though they gave her so much happiness, she knew something was missing in her life, it may be Luna who was still up there, waiting to finally get free and try to resume her plan of Eternal Night, maybe what she needed was a lover, but that was nothing more than a dream, until now, she never found somepony who loved her more than the Crown or status, it broke her heart thinking she would end all alone forever, maybe it was her punishment for what she did to her sister hundreds years ago.
She was lost in her thoughts when something got her attention, it was a noise, it was like if somepony was crying, it wouldn’t be odd if not for the fact it sounded very close, she immediately flew to the source, it came from outside the palace, very close to the White Tail Forest, as she was getting closer, she saw many little animals and birds gathered around something.
"A wooden box? In the open field?" This is really strange" Celestia thought.
She got close to it and noticed the crying noise was comming from inside the box, when she finally looked what was inside, She almost faint in the ground.
"And I thought I'd had seen everything in my long life" she said to herself.
She couldn't believe she was staring a creature who immediately stopped crying when it saw her, it stared back at her with wonder eyes, after some seconds, it gave Celestia the cutest smile she had ever seen and raised it’s hands in an effort to touch her, Celestia felt how her heart figuratively exploded, this creature was strange, really strange! it looked like a furless monkey but with no tail, she didn’t know how, but she knew this creature was sapient and not an animal, and to be honest it was kind of cute.
With much care and using the mother instincts she had with all her little ponies, she used her magic to levitate the creature in front of her, by looking at him again, it was obvious he was still a baby and was a male, his little thing confirmed it for her, she giggled a little, without a warning, the baby hugged her face and started to nuzzle it, she had to use all her will forcé to not faint for a cute overdose, she placed the baby in her hooves and started to cradle him, after few minutes, he was sleeping with a little smile in his face.
By this moment, Celestia was crying, there were too many emotions in her mind but one remained the most, sadness, who would leave such a cutie there all alone, just the thought made her furious, he may not be a pony or any creature anypony had seen before, but that wasn’t an excuse to let him here, he could have DIED! she searched inside the box to see if she could find something else, something to help her understand this cutie's origins, after some minutes, she found a photo with two creatures in it, one was the cute baby she had in her hooves and the other was a creature like him but a grown up one, it looked like a female, it was easy to deduce she was his mother, they looked so happy together, Celestia then calmed down a little, there was no way this lady would abandon her son like this, the next thing she found was a piece of paper, she tried to read it but it was written in a language she never saw before, maybe it explained how the baby ended alone, she tried to use a traslator spell but it didn’t work, that meant this was definitely a language not known in Equestria or any country she knew, at that moment it was obvious this baby was not from these lands, he had to be from a very far land, maybe he was from another world. Celestia giggled for her own sillyness, an Alien. . . yeah right!
Already accepted the fact that maybe she would never know how he ended there, she started to think what to do with him, she thought about the Canterlot’s orphanage but really, without a doubt he would be bullied or worst, rejected or (gulp) killed, she immediately wrapped him in his blankets and flew away to her palace.
Caring for the little package in her hooves, she did her best to not be seen by any of her royal guards, when she reached her room, she placed the baby in her bed and just stared at him while he was sleeping, she smiled, but contrary to many smiles she gave to her subjects in her courts, she was honestly smiling this time, it was really rare seeing smiling like that, at least it was since she sent Luna away.
“Now, what should I do with you little one?”
The baby just kept sleeping and making cute noises.
“I guess you are stuck with me aren’t you? (giggle) Would you like to live with me here in Canterlot?”
“(Snoring)”
“I’ll take that as a yes, welcome to Equestria. . . “
Celestia remembered she didn’t give him a name, how should she name this creature?
Suddenly the baby woke up and looked at her with a smile, the bright in his eyes inspired Celestia to think the perfect name for him.
“As I was saying, Welcome to Equestria Bright Sunny”
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The premise is good, but every single paragraph is a giant run-on sentence. You need to split them up. Each complete thought should have a period at the end.
the story has a good star minus some errors and the name bright sunny is kind half ass you could have done better with it, on the other hand its celestia were are talking about
Well done on the first chapter. It reminds me of The 10 Commandments, Tarzan, and Titanic. Be careful, or you could get sued. Regardless, great work.
I can only describe this and the whole chapter with this music and image:
vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/deathbattlefanon/images/5/5e/Lie_down_try_not_to_cry_cry_a_lot_combo_by_badflippy-d5t596e-630x322.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20150713063016
You sir have truly made me cry over a fanfic and I'll tell you this. There's not a single fanfic I cried over about. I didn't even cry over My Little Dashie (It was sad and touchy no doubt about that, but it never brought me up with tears) Yet this.... I don't what magic you put in this, but made this Shadow being cried his eyes out. That deserves a like, comment and favourite.
Gonna read more and YOU need a pat on the back. Well done you, well done
i lost the battle over feels i just shed 1 tear bravo man bravo
What the fuck kind of Equestria is this? Killing an infant? Oh and almost every sentence is run-on... and the grammar *shudder* oh the grammar.
Oh, wow...the occasional spelling error I can look past, but this is really not great. Massive run-on sentences, oh my! No one wants to read those. Everything is outstandingly vague, leading to a list of events with utterly no build up. No, worse than that, no consequence. We don't know thing one about these people! The only character that has even been remotely fleshed out is Celestia, and she's apparently giggling like a school filly and worrying that her little ponies might kill babies.
I think your main problem is that it all feels too rushed. Don't be afraid to flesh things out more. For starters, give us a little bit of insight into important characters, even if they die in the next paragraph. It's hard to get invested in a character with absolutely no background. Starting out with a disaster is pretty good for a hook, but we rushed through it so quick that there wasn't any real tension. Describe the race to find a box before the ship sank. Show us us Mary, half-drowned, with the waves crashing over her, desperately waving and calling to catch the attention of the ship.
I could go on, but I assume I've already lost most people's attention.
Hope you don't mind me giving this advice, since it's all meant constructively!
Wow that was sad!
I'm ready to start crying and I just started the story! I hope this story will be as good as your other stories with Alex.
this was a great beginning to a story. Oh man you started this with real sad but good beginning. May this be an awesome story for me. thank you
a thumbs up and a star
at first i was just thinking of the titanic i dont know why
Reading this for the... Maybe 2 or 3 time and it still is very nice.
I know you added a disclaimer that the Grammer wouldent be very good but I was just expecting some misspelled words here and there not every other sentence being incoherent. I have to stop at every sentence with wording errors and re-read them so that I can replace the incorrect words used with something logical so that it makes sense. Doing this is a chore and takes away from the flow of the story. When typing this out re-read what you wrote so that it makes sense. Also for the kids name why bright sunny? You can do better than that. Ok rant over. Other than what I mentioned above the story is off to a good start. But if this grammar keeps up I'm going go kill myself.
The sentances in this chapter run on more than Usain Bolt, the grammar is next to nonexistent, half of the sentances are incoherent, the characters are OOC, and the writing is, overall, bad. Try to re-read sentances that you write, for one, as it can (and will) help fix many of the mistakes in your writing. Also, try to get your hands on a proofreader. A second person reading over your story will do it wonders. Besides that, my biggest problem in this chapter is the absolUtley horrible sentance structure. Seriously, you have entire paragraphs which consist of a SINGLE sentance. Commas are NOT a substitute for periods. At all. Along with that, the one mlp character we see (Celestia) is like an entirely different person! Why would the beloved, benevolent, matronly monarch, whom promotes love and acceptance like the fucking gospel, assume that her subjects would bully, maim, or kill a child because of its race? Hell, aren't there griffons and minotaurs in Equestria as well? Why would there be any racial descrimination at all? What I'm getting at, though, is that you really need to revise and reinforce your writing, because as is, it's unreadable.
7807349 what's that rule that says that a post that points out a grammatical error usually has one in it itself? I believe I found yours
Sentence
could have chosen a better name for the baby it doesnt really flow very well
8258407
Solar Eclipse for humans have a love for both day and night
Couldn't even get past the first chapter. The plot has adequate merit, but this thing needs major editing for grammar and spelling. Currently, it's nearly unreadable.
6636473
In fairness, most ponies don't seem to be too accepting if things they don't know. As far as they would be concerned, a human baby could be a possible threat, the start of a new invasion, or some kind of predator that escaped notice. How do you think most world governments would react if a baby alicorn were found? It would likely be dissected and studied, without a single thought.
what?
9087331
Hmmmmm. Nobody ever noticed that. I'll fix it. Thanks
The period(.) is your friend, use it. Other than that, it’s an interesting read.