No Horse's Sky

by Good Christian Ethesto

Smelly Farts Poopy Butt Horses

"Zyoop, zyoop," onomatopoeiad Noman's laser gun as he shot through rocks and crystals alike, absorbing the shattered pieces into himself as video game characters are wont to do. He was having a gay ol' time on this random planet out in the middle of nowhere, collecting all the atmospherium he could eat. Or perhaps not because atmospherium is rare and nonedible, like non nontoxic crayons.

He was in such a rush, he hadn't even noticed that something was rhythmically bashing him in the backside for several moments. Once he did, however, he turned and feasted his peepers on the perpetrator. It was a kid squid, and while it looked cute and non threatening, it was trying to bludgeon him with an over-sized paint roller.

"Stop that," he ordered nonchalantly as he checked his inventory via his magical inventory device, but she didn't stop. "I've already scanned you and sold the data to the Evil Galactic Council. You serve no further use."

As if to say to stay off her turf, the kid, the squid, the kid, the squid, the kid, the squid kept smacking him with its weapon, slathering him in bright ink. Now Noman was pissed. He was wearing a brand new space outfit, and he went from 0 to 10 faster than your wiener when you search for furry porn on Deviant Art, you lob slob.

"Choose a god and pray," he remarked as he turned his zappy gun on this new foe. One shot was all it took to turn the underage squid into a well-cooked, three-course meal, and he couldn't help but feel a sense of accomplishment. "Blood for the Blood God," he said with a smile, not that anyone could see it since he was wearing a space suit.

Unfortunately for Noman, neither the old gods nor the new could help him as a sentinel had spotted his illegal activity. The kid squids were a protected species, and when you violate the law you violate me. And by "me" I mean "robots". The sentinel floated over on hover legs, fixing Noman with the meanest sneer a faceless robot can manage before giving its ultimatum in a synthesized British accent.

"Pay the court a fine or serve your sentence!"

Noman looked nonplussed as he's never been a plus before in his life, but he quickly pulled himself together, having literally been in multiple pieces this whole time. "Looks like I'm in a real pickle," he remarked to himself as he wormed his way out of the large pickle, only to be attacked by a bird that intended to feed him to its young. He shooed it away, and turned his attention to the sentinel.

He had to be careful when dealing with sentinels, as they were known to be quite the memesters and, as an organic creature, he could only take so many dank memes. "U fuckin' wot mVIII?" It asked aggressively, ready to bash his fuckin' 'ead in. "I'm gonna bash yer fuckin' 'ead in, I swear on me memes," it pontificated with thousand-year-old memes showing neither shame nor remorse. Truly this robot was a monster of the worst caliber.

"Look man, I've got a family to feed," Noman lied, having already fed his own family to a wood chipper. "I gotta blast."

The sentinel looked at him like a cow looks at an oncoming train, with its eyes. "Nah dawg," it explained calmly.

"Surely you can't be serious," Noman replied, not calmly at all.

"I am, and don't call me 'serious'," it finished with a wink of its robot eyelids.

"Then what should I call you?" he wondered, never having bothered to learn if sentinels have individual names.

"EVE," it explained, revealing to the audience that it was that white robot from Wall-E all along and missing a perfect chance to use another meme. "Now I'm gonna take you to the bank and cash your ass like grass, and by "bank" I mean "hell"," it stated, making its intentions clear.

"I don't really want to go to hell, though," Noman admitted. Unfortunately for him, this robot wasn't messing around.

"Lets get to bashing butts as well as deez nuts," it said while aggressively removing its pants. It was about at this point that Noman shot EVE in the face with his blasty gun, utterly destroying it/her. Not wanting to get attacked by even more robits, Noman did the only smart thing and hippity hopped into his neato space ship that was like 5 feet away the whole time. Then he blasted to the stars to buy candy bars, just a guy with a knack for exploration.

"Time to find a new planet to explore," he explained to the audience because that's what Noman is all about. It didn't take long to find a new destination on the map, and after a short, 3 minute flight he had arrived because his ship is super fast. Having explored thousands of planets he didn't even think twice before flying down to the surface and landing in the middle of a forest.

He jumped out of the cockpit of his ship with the grace of a swan and stretched with the grace of a swan, glad to be done with the long journey. "Welp, time to scan some shit and make loads of space dollars," he said with the grace of a swan.

As if by magic, or likely because it was magic, he shot a ping of super advanced scanning energon from his body in a ring, instantly getting all kinds of details about the surrounding plant life. According to his information, they were trees. He filed that information away for now, knowing it would be important later.

He would be sure to name every species he scanned later, but for now he was content to just run around scanning everything without a care in the world. That is, until he spotted a rare on the world map. "Oh wowzers, loot. Better tag it before someone else does," he cried, excitement oozing into his bloodstream via his excitement gland. He ran over to it, only to see a seemingly-normal human beating up a manticore. Thankfully, the human was alliance scum so Noman ganked that idiot and then blasted the manticore with his zappy gun easily killing it because this was a low-level zone.

After a brief victory dance, he skipped over to the corpse and looted it, luckily finding a blue item.

"Ah sweet," he said, "maybe this will boost my iLvl," he said naively as he used the item and killed himself.

The end....

Just kidding, he just respawned at his ship, all his scanning information gone because he hadn't saved it yet. "Welp, guess I'll go explore in the other direction." In case it wasn't obvious by how he talks to himself all the time, our protagonist is incredibly lonely. Such is the life of a space explorer.

10 seconds of walking later and he exited the forest into a huge clearing. "Oh look, a village full of tiny horses," he said, using his special eyes to easily see what any other writer would have taken 400+ words of boring, cliched exposition to figure out. He didn't even slow for a moment, walking towards the town, eager to scan the everloving fuck out of those horses. As he got closer and closer, the natives began to take notice of him, eyeing him with their basketball-sized eyeballs that protruded from their beach-ball-sized heads, held precariously atop what looked like structurally-unsound bodies.

Stepping into the town, the mini horses backed off, likely submitting to his superiority as a human. That is, until one flew right up to his face, speaking space English at him. "Hey, go away, this town is called Ponyville. Only ponies are allowed here."

He took a brief moment to examine the flying, alien mini horse, noting that it was a bunch of colors. Then he shot out scanning magic from his chest, gaining all the intimate details about it all at once.

"Hey, what's the big idea, pal?!" The horse yelled, raising a hoof up aggressively, as if to intimidate the MC. Like that would ever happen.

Noman didn't have a big idea, though, only a medium-sized one, and he had no intention of sharing it with this xeno scum. "I just scanned you with my space magic gaining all types of information about you and your species that I'm gonna send to the Evil Galactic Council I work for, but first I have to give your species a name."

"Oh, I'm Rainbow Dash, btw," she introduced, "also our species is named 'Ponies'."

Unfortunately, he'd already finished typing in and submitting a name for their species while she was talking. "Oh, I already named your species 'Smelly Farts Poopy Butts'," he explained with a shrug.

"But we're ponies," Rainbow Dash begged.

"I know that," replied Noman, "but it's out of my hands now. From now on your species is Smelly Farts Poopy Butts."

"Aw jeez," Rainbow Dash wasn't too happy about that, and she wasn't nearly smart enough to fix this problem herself. Then she got an idea. An awful idea. Rainbow Dash got a wonderful, awful idea. "Let's go see Twilight Sparkle at her tree library," which was still around because, despite writing over 40 MLP fanfictions the author/narrator has yet to watch past season 2, "surely she'll know what to do."

Noman spun his shoulders, shrugging spectacularly, not really caring what lay in the future as he's an immortal being of pure exploration. "Okay, what could possibly go wrong?" He wonder out loud while simultaneously foreskinshadowing.

Will Noman meet Twilight Sparkle in her tree building? Could something possibly go wrong? Are the ponies forever doomed to being Smelly Farts Poopy Butts?

Find out next time on Horse Sky Z!

Comments

[Chad]

Jesus did die for nothing.