Paper toss

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One day, Diamond Tiara realized something about the life she had been living until this point, thanks to a simple metaphor.
She writes what she has learn this day to her father.

(This is my very first Fic, so I'm looking forward for any feedbacks. I hope you enjoy the reading !)

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 11 )

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CombatMystic

CombatMystic #1 · Jul 3rd, 2015 · · ·

so diamond had a letter of regret why how and also flithy just fell over this fic is great but could be longer with more details on why things happened. Just a thought

ViCo

ViCo #2 · Jul 3rd, 2015 · · ·

6162288 Glad the story pleased you I know it's rather short, I'll try to write something longer and more detailed next time.

deadpansnarker

deadpansnarker #3 · Jul 3rd, 2015 · · ·

Not bad. Diamond should REALLY look into getting a paper shredder, though...

ViCo

ViCo #4 · Jul 3rd, 2015 · · ·

6162797 I guess she does not thrust paper shredder

deadpansnarker

deadpansnarker #5 · Jul 3rd, 2015 · · ·

6162903 She should learn sword fighting, then she could learn how to riposte and parry, as well...

buttonbelle

buttonbelle #6 · Jul 3rd, 2015 · · ·

Since when is DT a blue coated mare?

ViCo

ViCo #7 · Jul 3rd, 2015 · · ·

6163787 Yeah, my bad. as a colorblind person, I often mix up colors. I always thought she was pale blue coated (just checked to see that her coat is actually pale magenta). Thanks for mentioning it, I'll check this kind of things next time
Just edited it by the way

Telaros

Telaros #8 · Jul 5th, 2015 · · ·

6163787 Derpibooru source
derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/7/3/928887__safe_solo_open+mouth_diamond+tiara_raised+hoof_artist-colon-kp-dash-shadowsquirrel.png

Seventeenfold

Seventeenfold #9 · Jul 8th, 2015 · · ·

Very touching story! Good imagery and feels! Kudos!

Not going to nit-pick because it's a definite keeper, but a few things chopped up the flow of the actual story itself. All things spoken in constructive criticism because you asked for feedback.

The door slams open when a pale magenta coated mare entered her room. This was a well organized and large room with it's own balcony. A huge, well kept bed stood in one side of the room, on the other a dressing holds dozens of dresses, hats and accessories. Diamond Tiara heads directly towards the desk next to the bed and put down the saddle bag she was carrying. She was pretty exhausted by this day, she had to walk trough all of Ponyville to visit Sweet Apple Acres, and walk the way back home. Usually she would just eat something and go to bed, but she had unfinished business to do.

Present tense/past tense conflict. She does. It was. She does. She was. She would, but she had. Consistancy's your friend. Keep an eye on that.

She sighed and opened it. The first thing that she noticed was a small yellow paper that didn't seem to come from the file. She took a closer look only to recognize an old shopping list. She rolled her eyes and made a ball of the paper, and throw it into the bin standing at her hooves. However the projectile bumped on the edge of the bin and landed on the ground. She stared at the small ball, annoyed at first, but after a few seconds her expression changed to a more thoughtful.

Variety is the spice of life, but it's also a beautiful way to spice up a story. The story's choppiness is found in the slight conformity of sentence structure. This is where consistency isn't your friend. She sighed. She took. She rolled. She stared. Broaden those horizons and swap around your adjective and adverb placements to make the story more like a nicely flowing stream and a little less like... morse code. You'd be amazed at how shifting a few words and adding maybe a little more emotion/detail/visionary/etc. would make the words pop out like delicately placed brush strokes. You've got the image in your head - now put it in mine how you see it!... avoiding the agonizing, thesaurus-slaying muck of purple prose, of course.