Dude, this made my head hurt. Not to be rude, but your constant switching between 2nd person and 3rd person, plus the uses of past present and future tenses were very unorthodox. Its good for a read, and ill continue, but get someone to proof read and edit please. It'll do your story wonders
"Ugh..." Thunderlane tossed and turned in his bed trying to ignore his beeping alarm clock.
I see you have a comedy tag for this. How about this?
"Ugh..." Thunderlane tossed and turned in his bed, trying to ignore the alarm clock of hate screaming at him for him to wake up.
I like to get very in depth with comedy sometimes.
The loud bell sounded the time for History to end and the next class to begin. Thunderlane got out his schedule and looked at his third class. "Awe man! I hate Biology!"
I can relate. By the way, it's "Aw man!" not, "Awe man" BEHOLD, THE MIGHTY POWERS OF AWEMAN!
Here will be okay i guess." He sat down and started to eat his hay burger
Capitalization.
Now it was Thunderlane's fourth class. one of the most despised classes at his school HOME EC
Usually, you can put a comma there. Like so: Now it was Thunderlane's fourth class, and it was one of the most despised classes at his school... HOME EC.
Side notes: I like how the story is progressing so far in the first chapter, but the periods themselves seem a bit rushed. I was not a fan of the ringing that you signified. I can honestly say that Biology is really freaking boring. :)
It's a good start. I'd like to see some more.
6119379 I will try my best to release more!
Dude, this made my head hurt. Not to be rude, but your constant switching between 2nd person and 3rd person, plus the uses of past present and future tenses were very unorthodox. Its good for a read, and ill continue, but get someone to proof read and edit please. It'll do your story wonders
I see you have a comedy tag for this. How about this?
"Ugh..." Thunderlane tossed and turned in his bed, trying to ignore the alarm clock of hate screaming at him for him to wake up.
I like to get very in depth with comedy sometimes.
I can relate. By the way, it's "Aw man!" not, "Awe man" BEHOLD, THE MIGHTY POWERS OF AWEMAN!
Capitalization.
Usually, you can put a comma there. Like so:
Now it was Thunderlane's fourth class, and it was one of the most despised classes at his school... HOME EC.
Side notes:
I like how the story is progressing so far in the first chapter, but the periods themselves seem a bit rushed. I was not a fan of the ringing that you signified. I can honestly say that Biology is really freaking boring. :)