Tucked away, behind a false Panel, Lies a book with a stylized lotus inscribed in the front. Within, Minotaur-like shapes are drawn in outstanding detail, with stories written about their feats.
At the beginning of the book, is a story, as if these figures were myth. "Once Upon a Time, In the Magical Land of Equestria, an Order of Knights stepped forward when the Nights were at their darkest. Discord, The Lord of Chaos, Found these Knights when all had seemed lost, and even his own power could not contend with the Foreign beings known as "The Grineer." These Knights fought against the Grineer that had invaded the Land, with a Camaraderie and skill unmatched by any force.
However, The Knights were being pushed back, unable to fight all of them at once. It was then when Discord turned to The Ponies, and their leaders, The Avatars of the Sun and Moon, Celestia and Luna. He Begged the Sisters for help, Offering the Land back to the Ponies, His own willing Imprisonment, and even willing to give up his powers if only to save Equestria.
The Sister's Agreed, and With the Elements of Harmony, along with the Knights, They Defeated the Grineer, and Sealed them beyond a pool of mystic water, where they would be unable to escape, for all of time. The Knights then scattered to the four winds of Equis, with the Intention of sleeping until Equestria called again, in the next hour of True Darkness.
Within this Book, Tells the Story of each Knight, each of those faithful beings who rescued Equestria, and Sleep to this Day.
¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤
This is a collaboration story between;
geo hikari
Forgedheart
illua
Theyellowninja13
Solarkness
Joshleb1098
Dundredo
Ninetails
That's not the total number of Displaced people, right?
Because that friggin' Solarkness part not only rubs me wrong, but also is against this:
Welp another displaced fic.
I came here because my good pal Forgedheart is part of this collab. I personally am not a fan of displaced, but I will read this from the kindness of my heart towards my friend, and his hard work. I will tell you my honest to god thoughts on the story when I finish what you have done, and make sure I tell you the pros and cons. 
Uncertain hell yeah! New Warframe crossover!
Uncertain, because I didn't read it yet. But I'll get to it right away!
Be prepared for criticism on my part. I play Warframe for over two years now, and if I see any discrepancies with the lore (Orokin did not create Tenno), things that shouldn't happen (bunch of Changelings slaughtering Tenno), or wrong naming (Barton rifle, Zypher frame), you can be sure I'll point it out.
Well, I just got through the first chapter. It took me a hour and forty-five minutes, because I was writing down all my thoughts about the story as I was reading it. This is going to be a doosy, so hold on tight, and just read what uncle Scruffy has to say about this little Displaced story.
Pros, and things I liked so far in the story.
1: The two Merchants Yin and Yang where a interesting twist on the whole Merchant trope of the Displaced lore. I liked how they were described, and how they bantered off each other.
2: Illua's character being related to a person who got Displaced before. That, if done correctly. Can lead to an interesting plot point to the story as it progresses.
3: FrostTheWolf is the best writer out of all the Displaced writers I have seen. He puts detail in his stories, that most Displaced writers fail to do.
Cons, and things I didn't like about this story so far.
1: The grammar throughout this entire chapter is not very good, which is what I was kinda expecting from a Displaced story.
I constantly had to re-read lines, and correct grammar errors in my head. Be it missing commas, No capitalization, or missing words.
2: This chapter was extremely rushed, and that's being modest. Every Writer in this collab didn't put enough detail into the backstory of there characters. I feel like the writers got lazy, and used copy and paste ideas from other Displaced, and used them to make a short, and un-fulfilling backstory.
3: Every single Displaced was to easy going about blacking out, or being turned into particles. If I found myself being turned into particles, I would be screaming bloody murder, but these guys just shrug it off like Raiden from Metal Gear Rising Revengence loosing his arm to Jet Stream Sam.
4:The God damn Merchant thing is something I never liked. It is just a way to get the protagonist from point A to point B, in order to jump start the plot.
5:Because of the amount of people working on this, there are to many narratives, and it ultimately leaves the reader confused, and uninterested in each and every character.
6:The different level of writing skills between all of you are dramatic in some areas. I find it interesting to read one guys backstory, but only for it to be overshadowed by the less than appealing writing of an others backstory.
7:Starting with YellowNinja, there is a different Merchant. Why? It makes no sense to me for there to be another Merchant. Especially one that is so bland.
8:YellowNinja's character conveniently already knows how to use the weapon he is going to be soon using in Equestria.
9: Quote from the story.
A- How did they know this when no one seems to notice the guys getting Displaced disappear.
B- Did they go with them and come back, because they knew they became the character they were cosplaying.
10: Having Authors have multiple Displaced in this story makes the plot even more jumbled.
11: Lack of cover art makes the story less likely to get viewed.
12: Must really like Sci Fi if you forget the convention name Kevin. In other words lazy writing.
13: Kevin's backstory was super short, and lazy. Needs way more details.
14: I hate the fact the Merchants conveniently have the costume pieces are heroes need.
15: Yin and Yang at two conventions. E3 and SDCC. please give details on the times of these events, and why they attended both.
16: Forgedheart. Why use parentheses, were dashes would have sufficed.
17: Solarkness character is Stereo-typically broody.
18: Josh's Merchant is the Merchant from Resident Evil four... That's so lazy and overused.
Well that about covers all of what I have to say about this fanfic. I don't like it from what I have read, but I won't just yell profanity at it, because that would just be rude. I hope you guys think about what I have said, and use it to improve your writing abilities.
P.S In response to Illua's characters helmet.
6143637 why thank you. I'm flattered.
6143637 we spent three weeks working on this and trust me we got a editor I'm going to let him try and help the story flow better. But it does get better as we get farther into the story. The reason jack/bolt was so calm was that he was to shocked to properly react I mean sunshine talking then the particle thing he would have been so shocked that it numbed him to be that way. And as to the cover art.... we are trying to agree on that because frankly there isn't much art I known that can work.
6143637 My character Blaise/Ember does know how to use the staff, but not in the same way it's used in Warframe. He knows how to do some kind of fighting with it, but not enough to spin it around fast enough to block bullets.
Also, I wrote about the only displacer I really knew how to kinda write.
6143439
Been playing Warframe for 3 or 4 years now, And I started with DarkSector, so I am our groups Lorist.
6143637
Yeah, Practically. I mean, Frost's helmet looks like a horned crab. XD
Anyways, I do see where you have your Con's. Some of us are not the best writers, while some of us have a style where we gloss over certain details in exchange for focusing on others, or each of us has a Tick in our writing. Mine is a bad case of wanting to hit shift on certain things, so I have been editing that as we go.
Also, The Merchant is the easiest displacer to write, as he is just such a blank slate. I don't blame Yellow.
6144128 Get more editors. One editor can only do so much, and sometimes not get all the wrinkles out. As for the guy being to shocked about all the events that happened, that just raises further questions.
1: I don't care who you are, if you are being turned into particles, that more then likely means that you're going to die. Leading to you screaming for your life and someone to help you.
2: He would also be more shocked about the talking cat if he was written more realistically, and not like Neo from Matrix.
6144242 It still convenient that he is able to use the weapon in any way, shape, or form. It's just one big Deus Ex Machina, used to overcome the fact that they are probably going to know how to use their weapons faster than they should.
So the only Displaced you know how to write is the most cliche one?
6144995 Let me just start off with how much I love how you are able to recognize your flaws in your writing. It takes a certain level of maturity, and self-awareness in order to do that. So because of that have a cookie.
img13.deviantart.net/c3f1/i/2005/296/7/a/have_a_cookie_by_dannys_angel.jpg
As for Yellow, It's just so lazy and overused. I liked Yin and Yang, but why change that? We already saw that they were at multiple places--E3 and SDCC--so why change the Merchant?
6145017 I like to have my displaced be similar in some way to what they get displaced as. Blaise had a fire-like name, and knows how to use a staff. In one of my other stories, Samuel Aran became Samus Aran, and already knew self defense for dangerous situations. But yes, I know the merchant is a bit over used and cliche, but it's a cliche I don't care about much. I'm not one of those guys who sees a displaced fic, and stops reading just because they used the merchant for a displaced (not saying that you're calling me one of them). Also, I probably would have had some kind of base instinct for Blaise to know how to use the staff after being displaced. So, I choose deus ex machina over even bigger cliche.
Plus, with the merchant, I can get a creepy factor, which in Metroid, Displaced, caused Samuel to decide not to buy instead, before the guy forced it upon him.
6145389 It's just not my cup of tea. I never liked the Merchant trope, especially one with no twist on it. It just makes it bland and overused. If written good, I could get behind the whole Merchant thing, but as it stands. It is just a overused plot device meant to get from point A to point B. Especially since he conveniently has the item they need to finish their costume. Deus Ex Merchandise.
Samual Aran becomes Samus Aran... Way to think outside the box with that name.
I don't stop reading a Displaced over the Merchant trope. I stop reading it if It doesn't have a fulfilling plot, narrative, and premise. Not to mention if it has a character that warps the narrative, because of their existence. That just makes conflict pointless since the character can easily overcome it.
If I am going to say one thing that I love about this little sub-fandom. Is that I love the enthusiasm of the members, and writers that are in it. They are very positive people, who make me happy just seeing there innocent happiness over there creations. I may not like what they cooked up, but I can enjoy their enthusiasm.
I'll even upvote this story, because of its ambition, and writers passion.
Well Sh*t, I'm definitely late to the party
6144995 yes but the balance twins are as much a blank slate considering I made them spur of the moment when Jysrn made that pantheon thread of displaced makers heck architect of realities a writer on this site is on said pantheon. This collab and my kaizoku sentai displaced were the first time I managed to have them as actual characters. They are pretty new.
6145433 glad to see you like my balance twins. To be honest I based them personality wise off me and my twin sister mostly. Yin's tech obsession is from me the rest is based off my sister. She's really friendly. Yang though is more or less based off my everyday persona but I had to add the dark tint to fit the guy. I blame reading rl Stine growing up. I had read a lot of horror so that influenced yang's creation. When you have arguing siblings that fight at least everyday you get to the point of becoming a introvert. Got to the point I hardly talk much and lost my ability to talk with emotion. I'm getting better on getting rid of my monotone but it's snails pace there. As for the ambition here I recently got into warframe and I wanted to add them to the displaced but with how many characters I needed to keep track? You can see why I made this a group project. You can say I'm the one who got the ball rolling. I admit I forget capitalization a lot and punctuation as well. I'm a impulsive writer but when I do think it out my ideas just click. Though most of the time I try to not let my thoughts stray to horror Teratory. Bolt is also showing my emotion problem now that I think about it. I projected his reactions off my own if I was in his shoes. Plus by the particle thing think tron with getting zapped into cyber space or that Scooby-Doo movie with the Phantom virus. Also illua and ninja also edit when they can. Heck discord or a version of him can be a displaced maker if you count a certain tragic villain obsessed displaced. That discord called for help after something happened to split the time line so that our story is a alternative time line from that one shows that he can be a displaced maker. I usually call the makers the DMMG (Displaced Makers Merchant Guild) if I have to refer to multiple merchants in the displaced.
6145792 The idea of the Displaced as I said before doesn't appeal to me. I am one of those guys who would much rather have a direct crossover, rather a cosplayer becoming something he is not. To write a character that becomes a character from a franchise you like, is something that I would't recommend to first time writers. It leads to to the character getting the authors bias, and warping the story around it. Not to mention that since it is not really the guy from the franchise you chose to crossover, but rather a guy who becomes him, and warps his character.
I rather have the actually person, then some blank slate persona of him. Like when I saw that there was a Spyro crossover in the feature box the other day. I was excited, but it turned out to be another Displaced story.
Dammit I wanted an actually Spyro crossover.
If the person is Displaced, be it Discord, or the Merchant. It's just a way to jump start the plot, and I would rather have a different way of going about it.
If there was one trope I despise more than the Merchant. It is the trapped in stone for a thousand years over a misunderstanding crap. It is so unrealistic of a thing to happen most of the time, and makes Celestia--my favorite princess--out of character.
data.archive.moe/board/r9k/image/1426/99/1426993177496.gif
6145866 they are not going to become stone they will just go to sleep to recover from the war until they are woken up. I actually agree with you on the stone thing.
6145883 Yeah, from the description of the story I knew they weren't going to be turned to stone. I still got two chapters of this story to read, since my friend as I said earlier is working on this, so I will read it for his sake. I just don't want to at the moment, because it requires me spending two hours writing down all my thoughts on the chapter. You have seen the long ass comment it left afterwards. I wrote that at six in the mourning yesterday, after spending two hours last night taking notes on the first chapter. To say that it was a grind would be a understatement.
After I do finish the next chapter, I will leave another little over view of the pros and cons like last time, so look out for that.
just a question:will there be any sex in this story
6149854
..... Is this even relevant?
6149854 no sex I mean it I'm not comfortable with that. As I'm the head of this collab there isn't going to be sex. Implied maybe but outright heck no. I rated the story teen with the gore tag because this is a war story! Fitting because of the warframe part of this story. I'm putting my foot down on this subject.
6152025 okay,okay it was only a question
6152146 sorry it's just that kind of question makes me feel kind of offended as a writer. It just doesn't only get me uncomfortable but it also makes me feel like some one crossed a line. You can say I got high morals. While I do have some Gothic interests I just have some bad memories that was brought up. My twin sister was almost raped once and it kinda left a huge impression on me. Nothing happened to her but with how close it got you can understand my feelings about this.
6152373
i'm sorry to hear that happened to your sister and i apologize for the question 
and i understand completely 
6143637
Yeaaah...
I try to get away from stereotypical etc. and give my characters a real personality, it is just so hard for me. Usually at one point of the story I go 'Fuck this', and make them do random stuff and ruin the story.
Sorry, personalities are not my strong suit...
But hey, atleast Con 14 does not describe my part:
Yaaaay!!!
6163364 solar there is a reason I model my characters off my own personality. Makes them easier to write. Just try to give your characters a kind of link to you in how they act. For example bolt's personality is actually my more focused part as a representation of My tacticianal mind. Yin is the part of me that reflects my more kind traits with some of my intellect manifesting in my interests in robotics. Yang is my more serious side as well as my inner goth. Sunshine obviously is my more humorous side. Moonlight though is representing my protective side as well as my more loyal traits. My main original character tamashii souto is a refection of my more noble ideals and my serious side. Nox void represents my deepest fears and my malevolent subconscious side that I'm mostly barely is aware of. Try to follow these kind of examples to improve the development of your characters personalities. So for bolt the trait he got from me is the trait of best thinking on the fly like you saw in the gdoc in the thread. So far you can find that you can learn a lot about me through my characters. Hope that helps you.
Just a heads-up: I'm halfway through reviewing this chapter, and it's not too positive opinion in the end...
Two of you write really good stuff, the rest? Missing commas, missing periods, too many periods, too many commas, Capital letters In Weird places In The Sentences, no capital letters for names and proper nouns...
This fic is very uneven. Some sections are shit-tier and painful to read, some are really nice and I like them.
More in-depth comment coming tomorrow. Maybe. Probably.
Both second and third chapter have been updated
As promised, a thorough comment about this story.
Prepare to be judged.
I wouldn't exactly call Warframe a Massively Multiplayer Online, but from the lack of better term, I guess it's alright. Shouldn't it be written in capital letters, though? MMO being an abbreviation and all...
Both Kunai and Warframe are proper nouns here, and as such, should be capitalized.
1. Swords in Warframe have no sheathes
2. There's no "Paris mk 1 sword"
3. The proper convention of naming would be "MK-1 Something sword"
They're. It's an abbreviation of "they are"
"Their" means "one that belongs to them", it's a possessive.
A comma after "Oh right" would be good
"You're", because of "you are".
"Your" means "one that belongs to you", it's a possessive.
E3 should be capitalized. There's no need to start "promote" with a capital letter, though.
Oh, would you look at that, it's only the first paragraph so far!
Comma before "while"
Comma before "so"
Lightweight is a single word
Shouldn't Kitsune be capitalized, as a proper noun? Unless it's replacing "fox" with "kitsune" because weaboo.
1. It's "shape-wise", with a dash
2. A comma before "meaning"
Comma after "Well"
Makes little to no sense. Didn't you mean "This place was a gamer's paradise" or "This place was packed with (something)"?
Comma before "though"
The sentences here. Are to short. It's painful. To read. Rephrase. It.
Was - singular
Were - plural
"Items" is in plural, so I believe you meant "were".
This sentence is a train wreck.
1. What is that "like" supposed to do there?
2. Who wore that dress? The eyes?
3. I won't even say a thing about commas, because it needs rephrasing ASAP.
Put "that" between "fact" and "the"
img.4plebs.org/boards/tg/image/1396/05/1396052784876.jpg
Names are usually capitalized, y'know.
Besides that, it needs something about "emporium", prefferably an exclamation mark or a period.
Comma after "yeah"
Should I be pointing out such petty things as missing commas? There's so many of them, I feel like I'm wasting space in my comment. Oh well, I'll do it for this chapter.
I expect you to revisit other chapters by yourself, though,
1. Commas after "Yeah", "programmer"
2. "so" before "while"
3. "AI" should be all capital letters
4. "an AI", not "a AI". If the word begins with a vovel you use "an", if it begins with a consonant you use "a".
1. "in" after "experience"
2. Why only female foxes?
3. Big Bear is a proper noun, it should be capitalized
Makes no sense at all. Rephrase it.
Comma before "but". A;ways.
"They deal with "how much work went into it"? Whoah!
You see where I'm going?
A comma! Yes, the key that's apparently missing from your keyboard. Here, have one: , and put it after "electronics" and "this".
Questions usually require a question mark at the end, y'know.
Just pointing it out again, names should be capitalized.
It occurs many, many times earlier as well. Just reminding you to fix it.
You-know-what after "impressive"
Once what done working?
Again, it should be asingle word.
Comma before "it's"
*scrolls down*
Oh Celestia almighty! There's so much of this chapter left to read!
Okay, let me brew some coffe, 'cause it's gonna be a loooooong night reviewing it...
"Legwear" and "footwear"
Commas after "was" and "costume"
"You're"
Sorry to be rude, but learn the basics before you start writing. Or at least get an editor.
Oh, and a comma after "luck". And later between "back" and "but"
Should I mention that Link and Hyrule Warriors should be capitalized?
Comma after "admit", period or exclamation mark after "robot".
"Incapatable? Is that a new word? Never head of it. Neither did Google.
Comma after "Okay"
You know what? It's gonna take ages for me to point out every missing comma. I'll just make a list of all the comma-less fragments at the end and go figure it out yourself. I have faith in you. You can follow the basic rules when I point them out.
"in", not "on"
"for her" before "to give"
Scratch that. This whole sentence
needs work.
Robotics as him? Is he a robotic?
Should be "as much as me" or "as much as I am".
"an"
Question mark after "greaves"
Didn't you mean "paid"?
Proper noun.
Seeing as it's the end of your section, have a list of missing commas:
________________________________________
Oh, do I see a different author here? I sure do hope you did better than your friend before you.
Oh sweet Celestia's mighty plot... From one extremum to another. The guy before you forgot he had a shift button on his keyboard, you are abusing the privilledge of capitalization...
*sigh*
It's gonna be a loooooooong read...
These periods. Make. No goddamn. Sense. Whats. Oev. E. R.
Replace them with commas.
Well, there's some progress at least. You are using some sort of a punctuation mark, unlike your friend before.
"Crab-like"
Comma.
What, a missing one?
You got used to missing commas, didn't you?
Nah, this time there shouldn't be a comma in there.
"Twin's" is a possessive form of a singular "Twin"
Possessive form of plural "Twins" would be Twins', with an apostrophe after "s".
"waist-long"
No, really, it still baffles me, why would you capitalize Names that Do Not need Any Capitalization WhaTsoEVeR?
"collar-like"
I think more like five hundred. Cosplay's an expensive shit. But I digress.
Okay, overall your writing is better, though painful because of your overcapitalization. But at least you use punctuation marks, so props for that. Not everyone masterded the arcane art of using them.
_____________________________________________
Next section, new author. Awe me.
Short sentences. Are not a way to go. Like, at all. Join them. Merge them. Use commas instead of periods. Do. Something.
I know of a Boa snake. Are those staffs made of dried snakes?
Or do you mean "Bo staff"?
No, there's no error here. I just wanted to thank you. Thenk you for using "you're" correctly...
Okay, that was the best writing so far. Congrats and +10 kudos to you, my friend.
_____________________________________________
Oh. Your section again. Sigh...
So, missing commas at the end of the section again? 'Kay?
Your eyes thought that? Wow, you have sentient eyes! You have special eyes!
Borrow some capital letters from your friend two sections back. He has too many of them, you have too little. It'll even out somehow.
You can't stumble on. You can stumble upon, however.
Alley.
"as if I were ten years"
There are no MK-2 weapons.
"noted, that he looked"
Disaster in a sentence form. Lemme rephrase that for you:
"When I asked him how much for the chip, he said it was five dollars"
And your list of missing commas:
_____________________________________________
Oh, you are the one that can actually write decently? Cool, I was waiting for your section to come up.
To whose brother?
Do I smell a Borderlands fan in here..?
Not much to fix here, really. Good job. I like you. You can write.
____________________________________________
Oh, a new author appears! Welcome, welcome, I don't bite! My words, sometimes, but not me!
First thing I noiced, and can't quite quote, is that your formatting is different. You use indentation. That's cool but either you or your friends have to change the formatting. Let's keep things consistent.
Umm...
Whoah...
I am baffled... Not a thing to point out. Like, at all!
Great job, mate, keep it up! You and that other guy definitely increase the quality of this fic!
_____________________________________________
Another new author? Sorry if I'm wrong and you appeared before, but there's like fifty of you, so it's hard to keep up with it.
"looked"
Okay, the whole paragraph... Because of the amount of parentheses you used it got tangled up a bit, and it requires to be broken down in few sentences, instead of using commas everywhere.
Missing space after a comma.
Oh.
Oh no.
The Missing Comma Symptome strikes again! Is it contagious? Your friend has it, and I don;t want to catch it over the intrnet as well!
Oh no...
Overcapitalization Syndrome struck you as well?
Or Undercapitalization Syndrome? Or BOTH!?
We have a rhyme in my nativa language:
"Stawiał spację przed przecinkiem, bo był głupim sk*rwysynkiem"
Which roughlytranslates to:
"He put space before a comma, because he was a dumb son of a whore"
Don;t take it personally, though. I just thought of it as a funny piece of trivia. I understand, that you just made a simple typo.
Proper noun and possessive form of plural form.
A comma after "it". And in many places before that. And punctuation marks in general.
I thought the thing with your first paragraph was just a one time-only thing because of the parethesis. But looks like it was not, and you are, indeed, missing many punctuation marks.
I won't point them out, though. Get on a Skype cal with Mister Missing Comma here, and look for them by yourselves. You both could use some training.
No need to capitalize "throwing"
*sigh*
"You're"
No need for a dash here.
Missing punctuation marks everywhere. Commas, periods, everything. Sometimes they appear, sometimes they don't.
Your writing is like RNG in Warframe. Sometimes you get what you need each run, sometimes you can burn 50 keys and get nothing but disappointment.
____________________________________________
Well I'll be damned. I spend a couple hours reviewing this already, and I'm barely halfway through... Guess I'm going to hit the hay and continue writing this comment tomorrow.
____________________________________________
Okay, I had a nice sleep, checked my e-mail, my Facebook, now back to the review...
Damn this chapter is long...
____________________________________________
New author again? Alrighty then, let's take a look at your creation...
Should be either "Come on!" or "C'mon!".
I applaud you for correct usage of "your", though.
Something's wrong with this sentence...
Also, "firma"? That's what we call it in Polish. Shouldn't it be "firm"?
"Extraordinary". "Extraordinaire" is always used with a title, position, something like that. Like, dunno, "The Great and Powerful Trixie, magician extraordinaire!", to add some flair.
Umm... Is that a pun..?
41.media.tumblr.com/94f111f95313f91554758dfe48de7c57/tumblr_nmne480mSK1qmdr40o1_250.jpg
Weren't his eyes "tru darrrrrrrk demonic red 3edgy5me"?
Okay, that was a good section. That makes you a third good author in this bunch. Congratulations!
____________________________________________
Is that another new name..? I can't tell. There are so many of you...
Oh well, prepare to be judged nontheless.
The comma is unnecessary here.
No!
No!
Bad boy!
You NEVER use "would of"! It's incorrect and based on mishearing!
The one and only correct form is "would have"!
I know, that "would've" and "would of" sound similar, but you are writing, not talking.
Missing closing quotation mark.
"YOU'RE" for Luna's sake...
Generally speaking, not a bad performance. Few minor mistakes here and there, but the ones that grind my gears the most (incorrect usage of "your", "would of" abomination)
Good job. And it was readable, so kudos for that as well.
___________________________________________
Another new... Sigh...
Let's get it over with, shall we?
Unnecessary capitalization of "freaking".
Comma after "Oh".
Should the bonfire really be capitalized?
Semicolon looks like an odd choice here. I think that dash would've been better.
Comma after "days", and "when" instead of "where. You are talking about days - a time period, not a place.
Comma after "Warcraft"
Cestra's what?
-'s suffix is a possesive form. Plural form is created by using -s suffix, no apostrophe whatsoever.
"Made", not "did".
And "out of", not "off of".
"an". "Upgraded" begins with a vovel, so "an" is the correct word to use.
No need to capitalize it.
Comma after "sides"
> Latron
> Burst rifle
Yeah... Did you ever use Latron? Like, at all?
Makes little to no sense. Change it to:
"good feel, similar to that of one of the weapons"
1. Capitalization, it's a proper noun
2. Balance Twins' Emporium - use possessive form
3. You use either one exclamation mark or three. Three is frowned upon, one is the standard. Never use two, or more than three, though.
Out of place semicolon strikes back. I'd trather use a comma.
Wouldn't that, basically, mean a whole new paintjob for the costume? Kinda out of place proposition.
"But as they began finishing it up, I started to feel dizzy"
Overall not tragic, unlike few sections I've read before. Pretty decent job you did there, but there's still a lot to work on.
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Oh. Geo "Missing Comma" Hikari again. Woo. Hurray.
Another list of missing commas is in order, I believe?
"their" instead of "the".
"The" implies, that someting is one and only, so it doesn't exactly go well with something as miundane as TV screens.
"an international"
Makes no sense. I can't even think of what message did you want to convey through this sentence.
Scratch that. This whole sentence is a disaster.
"Amount" means a number of something. Like "amounts of errors you've made so far", or "amount of commas you missed".
I think you meant "Amongst"
"The victim from two years ago"
Here:
QWERTYUIOPASDFGHJKLZXCVBNM
Have some capital letters to copy and paste, because apparently your shift key is malfunctioning.
"An investigation"
"how is this possible"
"computer" is unnecessary. "Video game" would be sufficient.
"profiles". I assume each missing person has own profile, right? Or do they all look the same?
"The" is unnecessary
"Could". I think you are writing it in past tense, not present tense?
"an image"
Proper nouns. Scroll up to copy and paste some capital letters in here.
See above. Discord is a name, like Jack, Bob, Diana.
"Than".
"Than" serves to compare two things, "This thing is bigger, than the other one".
"Then" is used to show an order of things happening in time. "He went to a store, and then he came back home"
Full stop after "help". No need for it to be a single sentence.
"was able to". Don't forget you are writing in past tense.
"Into"? Like, she jumped inside of it? Was his shoulder empty?
Shouldn't you use "onto"?
Full stop after "courney".
Oh Gods above... "nya"...
Rephrase it.
And your list of missing commas:
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My general opinion I'll put in a separate comment. This one here is too long already.
Okay, let's begin:
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Generally speaking, this story is extremely uneven, that's one thing. One section is a pleasure to read, another is a pain. In one place we have Yin and Yang, somewhere else we have other people. For the majority of sections displacement occurs by buying something, in one place a guy being employed sticks out like a sore thumb. I feel like I'm reading a few different fics jumbled together, and because of that I can't like or dislike your story.
The next thing is the sheer amount of characters. 23? Plus ponies (oh I am sure that you'll put at least half a dozen of OCs there), plus merchants, plus Celestia knows who else.
You think I care about them? That I got attached to any of them? I did not. And I won't. There are too many of them.
Four Tenno? That's fine and dandy, every reader can keep up with that. Up to eight, and it may be a tad chaotic. But twenty three? Seriously? Like, really? The hell?
The last thing is that I know where this is going. Some of you will write good parts, but at least few of you will write "Mai OC went to ekuestrya and he was sooooo brave and manly and butiful and dark and edgy and twalat sparke feled in lov wit him and dey got merried and had kids" self insertion.
Or a story about a stereotypical emo kid, that nobody understands, and he is darrrrrrrrk, and broody, and what not. Additional points if he's an orphan or a half-orphan, or if he lost love of his life.
Yeah, I can already see self-insertions everywhere.
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Okay, now few words to each author separately:
Geo "Missing Comma" Hikari - You should know what I have to say by now. Commas and capital letters. Capital letters and commas. Commas and commas. Capital letters and capital letters. Basics. Basics rules of English language. First try to get a hold on this, then get back to writing.
Maybe Elnglish is not your native tongue. Frankly, I don't care. It's not my native tongue either. But I am yet to see a language, where you do not capitalize names and proper nouns, there's no excuse for that.
Illua "Capitalizing Guy" - Seriously, do you Need To capitalize Random words In Your Sentences all the Time? What purpose Does it Serve? Makes no Sense and makes Me Seasick, because I Feel Like I'm reading Waves. It's painful
Seriously, stop it.
Other than that, no major complaints. Besides a few mistakes I pojnted out already.
Theyellowninja13 "Decent One" - Besides that one thing with. Short sentences. That made. No sense. The rest is pretty good, no complaints there. You are one of the competent authors in this bunch.
Dundredo "The One That Can Actually Write" - Kudos to you, sir. You wrote something not only readable, but enjoyable, with proper grammar, proper punctuation, and proper capitalization. I don't have much to say besides to congratulate you a job well done.
Forgedheart "Minor Complaints" - Few errors here and there, but nothing detrimental, and nothing that would be repeated over and over, like not using commas at all, or not using capital letters anywhere. A good job, though you should read your stuff after you finish writing it.
Solarkness "Misused" - A couple of misused words, and nothing major besides that. A job well done, nothing more to say.
But use a dictionary if you are not sure of a meaning of a word. It doesn't take a lot of time, it's no dishonor, do it.
Oh, and your section looked extremely out of place. All other took place at conventions, and people were being displaced by buying something, so your section sticks out like a sore thumb.
Joshleb1098 "Gears Grinding" - A good performance, but you had luck bad enough, that you made all the mistakes that rustle my jimmies the most. If not for that - it would've been a rather good one.
FrostTheWolf "Semicolon" - A lot of minor mistakes summed up. Misplaced comma here, misused capitalization there, lore error somewhere else, but no precedents, so that's cool.
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That's eight authors. I sure do hope there are no more of you.
I mean, 23 characters, written by 8 different authors, a chaos and a disaster in it's purest form. This fic can't turn out good, unfortunately.
Dundredo's or Yellowninja's parts will be good, and a pleasure to read, but then Hikari's or Illua's parts will come, and will destroy the pleasant feeling.
Separate sections can be good, and I have no doubts that at least some of them will be, but the fic as a whole? There's no way it'll be successful. Sorry, that's the honest truth.
Wait what? The ponies sealed ALL the Grineer? Or just the ones bothering them?
6187441 just the ones that managed to get to equestria at least. That and they were using the mirror pool to bolster their numbers. Why do you think they were desperate to ask for help and bring warframes to equestria. How else were they able to push equestria to the brink like this.
6187968 wouldn't the Grineer like immediately tell the Twin Queens about this amazing discovery? They've just found an instantaneous cloning method and they don't tell their leaders whom they are loyal too without question? From what I understand of the Grineer they'd go so far as to kill each other to be the first to tell the Queens about this since they'd basically be guaranteed a ship of their own.
6188621 oh they were told it will just take them until shortly after Luna is freed from nightmare moon to arrive and break the seal and take over. Why do you think we got the summary like it is? It was a hint that the grineer will return.
cabooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooose!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is Excalibur or Ash here?
6463551
So far, I'm enjoying this. A lot. And it seems the newer frames are going to be included as well. If there's plans for him, may I ask to join in on the project as Inaros?
7051442 Sorry it took a while to get back to you. It may be possible for that to happen, but given how this chapter has ended, all frames as of right now need to regroup
7133295
It's fine. And at the moment, I seem to have forgotten what I had in mind for that xD
7142650 xD. It happens.