- Member Since 17th Sep, 2013
- offline last seen Jul 14th, 2023
Coppergear21
Just your regular run-off-the-mill brony who likes reading
Coppergear21
Joined 17th Sep, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- GearMane · 42k words · 103 11 · 3.9k views
- YouThinkYouKnowMe · 6.6k words · 62 6 · 2.8k views
- GearMane · 6.9k words · 115 12 · 6.6k views
- Plotpony · 4.8k words · 85 14 · 7.3k views
- viken666 · 8.6k words · 226 45 · 9.7k views
- Jest · 15k words · 46 18 · 2.7k views
- Kip Wilson · 2.2k words · 110 24 · 5.5k views
- Mackstack · 4.4k words · 89 7 · 3.6k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.112 seconds
Total duration
1,101 users online
1,467,700 hits today, 1,872,792 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Damn, it's pretty hard to find clopfics that contain encasement in them like this. I'm glad that I found this, I'll probably come back every once and a while to reread this as well~
I really like this one. The bound triple penetration, being immobilized by robotic limbs, sandwiching the mare between multiple latex air pockets, all hot as hell. Any chance of sequel/continuation/more work in this vein?
6090640 I suppose, but I'll need another good prompt before I can do something like this again. Thanks for the nice words!
Aight, here we go:
For starters, you focus too much on the mechanical and too little on the physical. What that means is that you basically wrote a step-by-step synopsis of the originating picture, instead of focusing on what that situation felt like or what she was really experiencing as she was being stuffed into latex and boxed up.
I feel it'll be easier to show you what I mean instead, so here I've rewritten a selection of text. It's not perfect by any stretch, mind, but illustrates what I am trying to convey more effectively than I seem capable of on my own right now.
First, the original selection:
"The boxes were done with her arms and legs, as well as her wings, which were now all encased in the shiny latex and sported two blue stripes on each. She then heard a creaking sound from above as a bar was lowered with loose hanging straps. More arms came and attached the straps from the bar to Shine's arms. The last box came attached itself to Shine's lower torso, where it also began pumping the latex onto her body. Shine could clearly feel where the latex was touching the dildo and butt plug in her private areas, and wished she'd never come here."
One of the issues here is pretty simple, in that you are repeating information already gleaned earlier in the fic ("Sported two blue stripes on each"). Don't do this, it feels patronizing to the readers and will donk you up some hardcore biznasty in the long run.
Another thing to look into is to make your text less dry and clinical, abuse your vocabulary.
For example, the re-written paragraph:
"Soon enough the strange boxes had finished with her limbs, a stifling coating of grey latex enveloping her wings. She struggled for a moment in vain, but stopped abruptly when the groaning and creaking of shifting machinery sounded out from above. A bar decked out with loose-handing straps descended from the ceiling, and several manipulator arms forced Shine's arms to them and yanked them tight against her.
Finally the last box came, slamming shut around her chest and pumping still more of the rubber overher body. Shine squirmed, the uncomfortable pressure of the toys jammed in her nether reigons made all the worse by the friction of the latex tugging and shifting them about.
Shine deeply regretted ever coming to this awful place."
Basically all I did here was rewrite and tweak out what you'd written to exclude repeat information and give it a bit more flavor, with a bit of added focus on what Shine's experiences were throughout the paragraph. I hope this helps!
6095904 Thanks! I've gotten the 'focus on the experience' criticism from someone else, but you explained it better. I'll make sure to incorporate that in my next story.
Criticism? I've found my calling!
(Warning: This was written at 5 in the morning, before sleep was had.)
Apart from the sprinkling of grammatical oddities, the biggest problem in this story is something I see a lot in anthro clop (and anthro stories in general). When you write a story about ponies, everyone (in the fandom, at least) knows what they look like. When you use the Human tag, everyone (on the planet, that is) knows what you mean. But ‘anthro’ is a more ambiguous term. You certainly had a particular vision of what the character looked like when writing, but with anthros, your audience needs some extra help. Anthro characters could be anything from “humans with wings and horns” to “equines that stand on two legs”, and all of the in-between. So when writing an anthro story, it's important to clear up at the beginning (through contextual hints) what sort of anthro we're dealing with. This is especially important in clop, when arousal is often dependent on the robustness of the mental picture.
Some examples: Although you mention hands and arms (technically, pony forelegs can be called arms, but most people don't use the term that way) near the beginning, it was not until halfway through that we learn she has hind-hooves, and not until near the end of the encasement when we learn she has a tail.
Don't be afraid to edit the stories you have out, by the way. They aren't set in stone: If you feel you can improve them, they are yours to change.
Great story.
6095904 has a point about not focusing enough on Stripe Shine's feelings, but I enjoyed it nonetheless.
BTW for those interested: here's the original commission this story was based upon.
Really loved this story!
Really loved this one! First time reading through so likely missed a lot, but loved all the same!
Once upon a time I created an OC named Packing Crate, who has this same fetish, and I wrote into Polaris' backstory that he once paid Poly to allow him to hook his experimental sensory deprivation/edging crate thingy to the power in Poly's bunker, back before Saphira was a thing (she's an AI with camera access to the whole bunker).
And since Pack locked himself away in the darkest corner of one of the bunker's storage rooms, back when Poly lived alone in the bunker, it was easy for Polaris to forget about him, and none of the other ponies living at PolariSoft know about Pack because he was there before all of them.
His special box has spells that trap him in some sort of stasis, and since the box is more magical than mechanical, it's unlikely to fail, allowing him to achieve exactly what he wanted, to be completely forgotten, locked away in his kinky fuckbox, you know?
The weird thing is, even I forget about him most of the time, unless I see something that happens to remind me of him. I rewrote Polaris' backstory not too long ago, and Pack was one of the things I left out, since I was cutting away tons of unnecessary details. So, unless someone actually happens to find (and then ask me about) the slightly-larger crate I built in the corner of that storage room in the PolariSoft minecraft build, I doubt anyone else is going to find out about him. Perhaps they could go digging through an older version of Poly's backstory?
So, the little guy gets his wish, not just in-universe, but outside of it as well, in the real world, because despite being his creator, I don't ever think of him unless something specifically reminds me of him. Kinda weird to think about, huh?
anyway that's my out of context ramble for tonight, I'm going to bed