Discord, the god of chaos.
He like anyone else, has a dark side. Only his is one that should never be introduced to the world as its thirst for destruction is boundless.
When Discord was sealed away the second time his emotions hadn't had time to settle entirely, causing some leftover anger and hatred to carry over from the previous sealing.
Discord himself hadn't carried these emotions, rather they were passed on to his dark side to hold on to, accumulating over time.
Now as Discord waits patiently in his statue, his dark side has become increasingly aggressive, counting the days until it can break free and wreak havoc without the hindrance of Discord weighing it down.
Princess Celestia senses the disturbance coming from Discord's statue and sends a letter to Twilight and her friends.
Red_Eyed_Mynx
Joined 23rd Apr, 2012 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- Sage Quill · 72k words · 604 16 · 8.9k views
- Stratocaster · 20k words · 188 4 · 4.4k views
- pchn00 · 65k words · 201 6 · 3.1k views
- Northern Desert · 47k words · 429 31 · 12k views
- Bucking Nonsense · 14k words · 115 4 · 2.2k views
- ShotgunWizard · 7.2k words · 695 62 · 10k views
- Jman9877 · 278k words · 270 23 · 5.2k views
- The Usurper · 65k words · 113 7 · 1.8k views
Chapters (5)
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.072 seconds
Total duration
654 users online
719,607 hits today, 1,996,409 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Moar. That is all I have to say. Moar. Moar. Moar. Moar. Moar. Moar. MORE!
Looks promising, please continue. <insert smiley here>
So, rushed. You really need an editor and you need to learn how to get in ALL the little details. That's what you do when writing. This story needs a lot of editing... Unless you wrote this on an Ipod or your phone, then I see why. Still, it needs editing.
601640
Thanks for the advice. I'll fix that ASAP.
[edit] Also I prof read my stories myself however since I wrote them I often overlook mistakes, I agree that I need an editor. My mind just runs faster than my hands when I type and write.
601885 How about I edit it?
Trying not to brag here, but I can type on the keyboard as fast as my brain can think so thats good. Anyway I have never edited something before, so if you want me to take a shot at doing that, I'll try.
Right, just looked through tha' story and it is somewhat entertaining, I like your origin on Discord's darkside and his appearance, all very inspiring indeed. You're also trying to build up some intensity, but I'm going to have to be brutally honest here. I'm not this mean harsh bully that grew out of your shoulder and is battering you until you give men your lunch money, nope, I just like to be as helpful as I can be, by giving good honest, but painful criticism.
Start off with what I'm trying to say here. Biggest problem, speech tags. Normally I see people use to many speech tags, you, they almost don't exist. We need speech tags so that we know whose talking. Although you make up for this by good dialogue and all, you need speech tags for the less obvious. Occasionally I don't know which of the six manes are talking or the ones between Twilight and Celestia.
Another issue is your perspectives. They're not that bad just that, they could use some warning when your switch who we're looking through, such as an '*' or something. I was unaware with switches between the girls and Discord, but this could be fixed if you switched between them less, at least once less otherwise it is kind of annoying when you make us bounce back and forth.
Another issue is the lack of description. This really is just my opinion and can be ignored if you dislike it or comfortable or just think I am wrong, where fair enough. But you could do with more description to build up the atmosphere, intensity and just pull us more into the world. Personally I would've liked some more build up towards evil Discord, like have scenes with the girls in their everyday buisness but feel something's bads going to happen or follow Princess Celestia trying to investigate the disturbance or really just more of a conversation between Discord and his evil side. It's my opinion, but I do feel that 500words does give enough hype and makes evil Discord less impressive. Again only my opinion.
Here's a list of notes anyways I gathered. Again they can be ignored. But they're just evidence to try and back up what I'm saying and to try and help. So please try and consider them.
wretched little ponies for if I ever escape from this ACCURSED STATUE/ Wanting revenge against thee six for escaping the statue from what I understand?... Right
a pose of terror laid motionless as usual./ Not like other statues that tend to walk around like it's nobody's buisness.
A white alicorn princess was pacing back and forth anxiously./ In my opinion, you don't need the word anxious as we can already tell she's anxious and the action's descriptive enough.
“But we sealed him up only a few months ago!”/ Whose talking?
While they were bickering amongst themselves,/ Why are they bickering? If you're referring to the two last speeches, you're better off leaving as the Princess coughed afterwards.
continued to be motionless./ Then why mention it.
“Jeez it is so boring in here. I still don’t know how I managed to do this for over a thousand years!”/ A little more warning that you've changed perspectives.
Back to the pony group they were getting close to the garden area containing the statue they sought./ Sentence could be shortened.
Back to the still motionless statue./ Stop using the word motion, it's annoying!
no, this wasn’t Discord/ Do you realise how dumb that sounded?
I’ll pretend to have never seen you here/ I hope this isn't suppose to make him sound scary when he uses something like the word 'pretend'.
“Oh really? And what was that about you helping us? Why would you help us?”/ Whose talking!
He knew he had them./ How did he know he had them? Again better of you deleted this bit.
This was news to her./ Again delete.
He didn’t like being told how to tell his story,/ We know he didn't like being told and we can tell he's in no situation.
the alicorn who sheepishly avoided his gaze/ Why is she sheepishly avoiding his gaze? Is she like acutally ashamed she imprisoned Discord?
“DIscord,/ Shouldn't you mean Discord.
But it wasn’t just you, it was also those ACCURSED ELEMENTS!”/ I'm just going to slap my own face at this.
“Oh. It’s just you.”/ Was he scared it was the boogy man?
“You’re going down whatever your name is!”/ Is this suppose to be funny?
and a statue like Discord was./ Unnessecary again.
causing the now unequipped elements to float to its hand which it then closed/ rephrase please?
Keep on writing
606171
I'll see what I can do about those issues. I really do appreciate constructive criticism, people like you allow better stories to be written, being able to figuratively sift through a pile of seemingly perfect peas and find the ones that spoil the bunch. As for the continual usage of the word motionless it was there to accentuate the fact that even though there is notable activity within the statue, nothing noticeable was on the exterior. The sheepish avoid of Discord's gaze? That was Celestia realizing she was partly responsible for his dark side being created and subsequently freed. "You're going down whatever your name is!" that was to show they didn't know or have a name for him. "Oh, it's just you." he wasn't expecting a group of ponies to be attacking him let alone the one's he met not even fifteen minutes ago. I was trying to make some things vague but what you say is true, at points it is too vague. Keep the good criticism comin' if you find anything else that bothers you.
606478
Good to know I could be of help. But just to note that what you were doing then wasn't trusting the reader, got to trust that we know the statues not moving (And if you still disagree, please use something besides motionless, it is really repetitive). Your also changing Celestia from a very proud and caring character, she didn't imprison Discord because she felt like it after all and how was she to know? But then I'm getting too much into characters, which I try not to argue about and I guess I am just being a little iffy.
But again glad I could be of help.
603844
I'll take up that offer. It'd be a new experience for the both of us. When I finish working on part three I'll try to figure out how to send it to you for editing.
While I did find this enjoyable.......I think one of the main reasons Discord works is because he isn't some monstrosity hellbent on destruction, he's a being of chaos and works through twisting ones thoughts and being very deceptive. But in general the story is pretty good and I look forward to seeing how the real discord works his magic in this.
606525 Ah could take up that offer. So the only thing I gutta do now is wait?
614415
I guess so.
It might be a while.
I need a cover image for this story. I drew the one for Space-Time Requiem, but honestly I don't think I could do this one justice. Maybe I should have a friend of mine draw it.
614415
You are working on the chapter right?
If you're not able to just let me know.
not bad, kep it up!
Elements of DISharmony? ooh, I am PUMPED :D
CLIFFHANGERS! I LOVE AND HATE THEM AT THE SAME TIME!
697498
Don't we all?
Although a lot of the time you might be like... youthink.com/images_quiz/2009/07/01/full_925243627.jpg
Got it going
Now this is quite a catch that made this story interesting, how far will the six manes go to restore Equistria?
Hi, friend! Wow... first comment since subscribing. Well, hope you recognize me, Red-Eyed-Mynx, because I'm sure you'd appreciate me not have our names eveywhere. But I decided this was A good way to tell you I have an account. But let's get to the story. As I told you several times, great story.
732975
Aha! So you finally made an account, eh?
I'm going to take WalrusM3's advice and make the beginning of the first chapter longer... when I can.
Anyone here ever play Portal 2? This question is relevent, trust me.
Well you know when Wheatley says, "I have to test or I get this... this itch!"?
I get a similar feeling when I can't write.