What will happen when one of the mane 6 finds out about her unknown past. Secret will be found, friendships are tested and probably some ponies' gonna die. A kawaii little story about a mane six member becoming an alicorn~doki doki
Give me a comment when you figure it out. Lots of surprizes in store just for you~doki. A cute little mane 6 to alicorn story~doki
I am new to this whole fanfiction writing to share thing. Please go easy on me.Rated for my messed up overly melancholy and fluff mindset.(+ 10 episodes of puella magi). Alternate universe tag because of paranoia and I may add or subtract a couple tags as I go.~doki.
Chapters (4)
Try writing in English instead of weeb.
Nope. I quit
I wonder who will be the first to do a reading sins on this troll.
5951747 I've watched too many episodes of Jewelpet to stop the verbal ticks~doki.
But if you don't like it, suggest a new one~doki.
5952268 What is weeb~doki?
5954891
This is
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5954940 Okashīdesu~doki!!!
Well, this is certainly... interesting. The concept of Luna birthing a foal while imprisoned on the moon could have something going for it, but I'm sorry to say this really wasn't a good enough start to keep my attention.
5955161 Sorry to hear that~doki.
Demo, did you read the long description~doki?
5955189 I did. I just think you need a little more practice writing. You'll get there.
5954940 That's what will happen if you type 'desu' enough.
Right, I'm going to do my very best to remain constructive here. If at any point I come off as aggressive or insulting, feel free to skip this comment, and even if you read all the way through, take it with a grain of salt; these are suggestions that I believe might help the story.
First, the positives: the concept is an interesting one, in that Luna had a child on the moon who she sent to Equestria to try and save her after she got sick, and that there's an alicorn council of some sort. Both of those can be fleshed out and made into an impressive story if they are worked with and nurtured. That said, there are some issues your story runs into.
Now, to be fair, I don't mind a little bit of uncertainty in writing. Done well, it can create suspense, drama, and tension, all of which can help a story succeed. With all due respect, I'm afraid that you edge a bit towards vague in the opening. The very first section of this story, just four lines long, give us very little information to work with. We get a character description, yes, but no information about who they are, or any sort of context for what ultimately winds up as a very unusual conversation. If you'd taken the time to set the atmosphere a bit more it might've played out a bit better, but as it is it simply seems underdeveloped.
Honestly, that actually sums up the major issue of this story; it feels vague and underdeveloped. There is possibility for drama between characters, for emotion and reaction, but frankly your story seems too short to do so.
There's also the editing errors; I'm not going to pretend to be any sort of editor (again, these are all suggestions) but it helps to double check your word choices throughout the passages you write. A frown creasing lips makes more sense than a frown ceasing lips, though that in of itself seems to be an odd choice of words to begin with. In addition, check for capitalization errors ("I" as a subject should always be capitalized) and other general issues. A proof-reader can be helpful in these regards.
Overall, it's good that you're confident enough to post your writing here, but as friendly advice you should try and improve your work. Track down groups to workshop your story in, hopefully finding one that's friendly and constructive. Best of luck to you, and I hope you continue writing.
5960672 It's supposed to be vague The character is not supposed to be revealed until later in the plot~doki.
And you're supposed to comment your guess of who is the foal~doki.
I noticed that kawaii is in the title...tell me
DO YOU WATCH ANIME!!!!!
7443668 anime? Hai ~doki
One of the ones I watch even has at least 10 characters who add words to the end of their sentences ~doki