Jack Plows

bigmacintosh2000

bigmacintosh2000 #1 · May 12th, 2015 · · · Goodbye for Now ·

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That's a pretty even love-hate relationship developing here. Does anyone have any comments on it?

Istaran

Istaran #2 · May 12th, 2015 · 1 · · Goodbye for Now ·

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It will be interesting to see if you develop Applejack's side of this tale any further down the road. What consequences will come of her first time being forced like that? And while she kept him from running off immediately and was able to come to much better terms with him, he's still running off ultimately to be with Fluttershy as his only real marefriend. (Despite the fact that he's obviously going to get more and more other pussy as long as the story continues, because that's what this is.)

I don't feel like she hates him at the end, if anything she's too far on the other end: the Element of Honesty even willing to lie to protect him? (or is it just to protect Fluttershy from the truth?) I'm not saying her feelings are purely positive, she is stuck with a pain that will never fully go away. But so far it feels like any consequences (other than a potential hybrid baby) are set to be in her heart and/or dealings with others and not rebound to him.

bigmacintosh2000

bigmacintosh2000 #3 · May 12th, 2015 · · 1 · Goodbye for Now ·

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5968361
You're picking up on everything I intended just fine. Thanks for the comment.

I decided that, as human as the Equestrian ponies act, they're still going to have a horse social structure. This means a stallion with a harem of several mares, with one of the mares being dominant, and their foals. Not only is that accurate for nature, it's exactly the kind of story I wanted to tell in the first place. Because that's pretty much every guy's dream, am I right?

However, the more I write this, the more I realize that if I take Jack's story far enough, Discord's goal to create chaos will be realized. Whatever Discord did to him in terms of pheromones/whatever, it's made him extremely desirable to mares. At some point, there's going to be conflict, at least for dominance. After all, Fluttershy isn't naturally a dominant type, yet she was defaulted into that position in a group that has a princess in it. And there are other princesses that could get involved. On top of that, some of these mares are going to end up damaged/perverted. There's also going to have to be conflict with stallions. Not all of them are going to get off on seeing their wives cuckolded (expect to see Jack having a problem with Big Mac at some point).

My goal, of course, is not to tell a meaningful story in any way. I'm going to try to use that conflict always in the service of furthering the clop. As soon as I see this veering off in a meaningful direction, I'm going to yank on the reins (so to speak) and turn it into a flimsy premise for a porn scenario.

besomi

besomi #4 · May 14th, 2015 · 5 · 2 · The Cock's Crow ·

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Your sense of scale is way off and too inconsistent, Applejack keeps changing size as the story goes along. In the first scene she appears to be of normal pony size, with her hind legs about as long or not too much shorter than a human's, given that they do it pony-style with no difficulty (actually my preferred scale, if you're writing about ponies make them ponies, not small dogs).

Then on this chapter she keeps changing size so much it's ridiculous.

I kissed at her ear, neck and shoulders, and felt all up and down the wispy fur of her belly. For her part, she backed her ass into me

Her ass is at his crotch level and he's able to reach her shoulders with his mouth, meaning her torso is about as long as a regular human's, though her neck would be longer and her ears would not be easily reachable, or her ears are very easily reachable, but then the shoulders wouldn't be at all cause they would be too far down, which means she's the size of a small dog and not a pony like in the previous scene, you need to picture how it looks so as to keep her size consistent.

It gets worse, though.

The head of my cock waited at her entrance, while she looked up at me from chest height

Now they are laying in missionary position, but he's not in her, so she's only as long as from the tip of his dick to his chest, if his dick reaches to say, around his belly button, then AJ is about as big as a chihuahua dog.

She drew me down on top of her, and I adjusted my weight to one elbow, so as not to cut off her breathing. She licked and kissed my nipple

Now he's laying on an elbow, inside her, so from her crotch to her head she's only as long as he is from his crotch to his nipples, basically she's about the size of a cat.

If he was able to kiss her shoulder while her ass was on his crotch he should now have his head nested on her chest with her forelegs around his neck due to their anatomical differences, and he would have to look up to kiss her.

But then this particular scene is inconsistent with itself:

with my free hand I grabbed her foreleg, holding her hoof and tracing around the horseshoe. I kissed the frog of her hoof, and planted a row of kisses up the back of her leg to the first joint.

If her head only reaches to his nipples, then her foreleg comes out of her body at the height of his belly, and he would have to be pulling on her foreleg straight up to be able to reach her frog to kiss it, which is a very awkward image.

Then:

Her tail brushed lightly against my inner thighs, against my balls, and across my ass. Her rock-hard nipples pressed into my belly.

Now she's gotten big again, if she was the size of a cat then her nipples would be on his pelvis, not his belly, or she would have to be very deformed, or have her nipples in her chest rather than in her crotch.

In other words, decide what her size is and try to stick to it through the course of the story, this is just distracting and makes for bad clop if you need to keep adjusting how you visualize their size in relation to each other.

Imagine what the scene would look like from a 3rd person perspective with their sizes remaining the same throughout the entire story, not what you think would look cute from first person, which i think is what you're doing.

Since you like drawing maybe sketch up a size chart to use as a reference in your writing. Not just height but also side comparisons.

If you're able to work that out though, the sex and the writing themselves were not bad, though the initial rape was unnecessary and her reaction to it felt contrived, though i guess you stated in a blog entry that the intent of these stories is purely clop, so might as well make that part flow better.

I haven't read your previous stories yet but i'll check them out.

bigmacintosh2000

bigmacintosh2000 #5 · May 14th, 2015 · · · Goodbye for Now ·

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5975422
You make some good points here--I think you overstate some of it, but good points. I was trying to be consistent, not doing what you thought I was doing, but it's really difficult to remain totally consistent. I'm trying to keep them at canon size (which is medium to large dog). I'll have to rethink some of these and work out the details.

Thanks!

Outis