not a quiet person,everyone else is just loud. Avatar=> here
When you've got friends like Twilight has, relaxing is an extraordinarily complicated affair
(Note: Mad props to vynaldub_911 for pointing out some apostrophes )
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1W2JILvPIWfGFbOeBwR7YuMqiqyWFCgcLdBzNubcZP28/edit?usp=sharing
(Google docs link, in case you want to drop some feedback there (which is always appreciated))
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Just want to say a few things here:
-First, I have never been to the Seychelles, and am basing the Neighchelles on various other tropical islands/countries I've been to. If anyone wants to abuse me over this, they are free to do so.
-Second, I am looking for a comprehensive editor for this and future chapters. If anyone is at all interested please drop me a message. Be warned though, I am looking for some very in depth criticisms.
-Third, this is technically the first fic I started writing. Essentially this just means I want to rephrase point two: criticisms are welcome! In fact, give me everything you've got!
-Fourth, hope you liked it!
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Hmm, an interesting start, though it seems to really jump all over the place. I see what you're trying to do with it, but IMO, it makes the story not flow quite as smoothly as it could.
Also, in the first scene with Rarity and Spike, how were they hearing the ebb and flow of waves, or that her head was "filled with water"
I didn't notice any major typos, though I think the biggest thing you should work on is the overall flow of the story. Looking forward to see what they're all planning.
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I'll admit that it does jump around quite a bit, and I'll try to smooth it out in the second chapter. Unfortunately, the plot's already long enough without padding to smooth it out, so I'm in a bind as to how to change it. Any suggestions?
And the whole water thing was a metaphor, I suppose. Sorry I wasn't more clear. I was trying to describe Rarity's very vivid fantasy, and how immersed she was in her desire for a change of scenery. Do you think this would work better?
Water had already flooded the unicorn's mind. It hissed subliminally, then paused expectantly. Next, it rose to a roaring crescendo and finished with a fading rumble. The back of her head echoed all over again with ebb, break and flow, the constant cycle of the sea. Fwsshhhh... fwsshhhh.... She could hear the way her hooves thumped and sank into the golden sand too, and the gulls which called out over blue silence for their comrades. She could hear the wind- a cool ocean breeze thick and salty with sea spray- and the parching, all-too-real wind that blew dust through her snowy white coat.
Thanks for the feedback. This is exactly the kind of thing that I would miss, considering everything about the story is perfectly clear to me and all.
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I think the part that's getting me the most about that is the first line, it just feels...off, wish I could describe it better than that
Mayhaps you should italicize thought processes/fantasies to make it easier to identify as something that's not actually happening. I'd offer proper help, but I'm helping out another author atm with his story, and I have 2 stories of my own that I have been seriously stalling on getting another chapter finished for.
I have to admit, I'm not really sure what's going on at this point.