As peace returns to Equestria, Twilight Sparkle must adjust to a new life free of the struggles that come from living in a time of war.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 15th Apr, 2014
- offline last seen Nov 26th, 2015
EclipterROME
Yes that is me DJing. Which is what I want to do for the rest of my life. Want to hear a tune? PM me, I will be honored. I also write as a hobby, so that's fun.
EclipterROME
Joined 15th Apr, 2014 ·
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Feedback is much appreciated. Especially since I plan to do a lot with this story.
This description needs some work. The grammar isn't bad, but the phrasing is pretty confusing. Equestria is misspelled the second time it's mentioned (an understandable typo given the A's close proximity to E on the keyboard.
), and it makes a specific request of the reader, which is a no-no. A good description will create intrigue in the reader, without making a direct request of them to read the story.
I'm no expert, but how about:
Just an idea.
This can be an interesting read, but the cover needs some tweaking if you want to attract more readers.
My 2 cents.
I'm gonna watch this and see where it goes.
Oh, and uh, get rid of that -boop-
-boop!-
That was good, would definitely read more. Can't add much more to what Whinifree wrote, except for that I'm not a fan of --------------------- line breaks. It just clutters up the text, especially on my phone.
Oh, and I wouldn't set conditions to writing related to how many people read or respond, if I were you. Write because you enjoy the act of writing. Stop whenever you deem a story finished.
5896414
Wooow....
The setup is interesting so far. Not entirely my cup of tea (the fact RD got killed, is a bit annoying for me
It might be a good story with a good idea behind...
But the start is far too rushed. You merely skim over some of the most traumatizing experiences, like a news anchor.
Maybe you'll make this events as short, descriptive vivid dreams or flashbacks. This would definitively add to the experience.
Anyway - its on my tracking-list, waiting for more to come.
5896795 I skimmed over the war intentionally. I plan to have a prequel later on. I will write it during this story so that flashbacks can be possible.
Also I killed her off because for some unknown reason everyone loves her. I did it to show many people the severity of the situation. Would anyone cared if I were to kill off a simple background/side pony?
5897163
If you had slaughtered Vinyl Scratch for example, rampaging hordes with scythes and torches would siege your
castlesite...However I don't have a problem with RD killed. I mean characters get killed all the time all over the site. Its just the rushed way it happened. A prequel may be a way to solve this issue. But right now it feels a bit unsatisfying this way.
5897350 Very intentional. There WILL be more about it later though. Flashbacks and Prequels included.
Looks like this is off to a great start so far. Still tracking.
5896414
You sir, have my attention! I hope soon that you shall have my interest.
basically really good start! Excellent rough draft of the first chapter, keep on editing and working hard on it and i could easily see this piece geting featured when its done.