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WARNING, META/TROLL IS AHEAD, JUST A LITTLE WARNING. REAL CHAPTERS COMING LATER.
Bloodbath McBullet the alicorn trotted through the Ponyville central square. His mane was a scarlet red, and his coat was a jet black. Imprinted on his flank was a knife with blood dripping from the tip. His orange eyes scanned the area, searching for a certain unicorn.
Within a few moments, he had spotted the large tree library in the distance. From his knowledge, it was the living quarters of the pony he sought. He spread his wings and took to the sky, flying through the air gracefully and quickly before landing in front of the tall tree.
The alicorn was no monster, however, and knocked politely on the wooden door. Twilight Sparkle answered, her eyes brimming with curiosity at first sight of this alicorn. From what her books had told her, the only alicorns in existence were Princess Celestia, Luna, and Cadence. There had been no mention of another one, let alone a male alicorn.
"Hello, Twilight Sparkle," said the alicorn. His voice was gruff and deep, but had a sexual undertone. Twilight took a step back into the library, attempting to close the door, but the alicorn held it open with a hoof. He took a step into the library. Twilight tried to retreat further into the library, but she felt something pulling her toward Bloodbath.
"What's going on!" shouted Twilight. In hopes that her neighbors would hear, she let out a scream. She resisted the force pulling her back, but they were too strong. She felt an incredible lust for the alicorn overcome her, even though she did not want to have anything to do with Bloodbath McBullet. She stopped screaming and moved closer to the alicorn.
"What's happening to me?" she asked, her voice quivering. The alicorn smiled.
"It's my self-desire, Twilight, you cannot resist."
Twilight rolled her eyes, realizing what was actually happening. She sat quietly as the alicorn attempted to touch her and steal a kiss from her lips, but failed miserably, his hooves passing straight through Twilight.
"You're never going to do it," she said.
"Yes I will!" yelled the alicorn, desperately running his hooves through Twilight,"All I have to do is believe!"
Twilight let out a sigh as the alicorn attempted to kiss her once more, his lips only touching thin air.
"Take your personal desires somewhere else," said Twilight.
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Image: http://mlkshk.com/r/7Z72
Image: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m1zkfaDwTV1r3j70mo1_250.gifAnd I wasn't wrong. It was magnificent. Womanly tears of epicness were shed virtually.
Image: http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20110804163643/fantendo/images/c/cc/Twilight-clap.gif
As I read this chapter, I was wearing a T-shirt with the following image emblazoned upon it:
Image: http://theawesomer.com/photos/2010/01/012410_unicorn_1.jpgIt's not exactly what's described in the chapter, but I think it's the same general idea.
(And in case you're wondering, this image pre-dates FIM by about a year and a half.)
You use a lot of telliness and excessive word usage in this fic. You need to trim that down some. Not much is done with the characters' thoughts or emotions, either. You keep a very distant narrative, never getting into the characters' heads as much as could be useful.
These aren't bad by a long shot, but much can be improved in your narrative.
Image: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2whtsTz1y1r69db6o2_250.png
This is me when I read this series.
Image: http://iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-brony-everyday-im-shuffling.gif
Autor: It sounded so much better in my mind...
Image: http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/50235_136612636400427_1587490_n.jpg
Bloodbath McBullet...
Image: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_luzb785C5m1r3k1m8o1_500.pngIt's the truth, though. Nicely done.
"Bloodbath McBullet ".
This is called a Fail o'Suckyname for it's way too common and tryhard.
Name Rainbow Dash on the other hand are names that are called Awesome McCoolname because they fit the works they're in and manage to be radical.
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