Chapter 4
"We arrived at Twilights library early in the morning."
"To my surprise Twilight had already woken, when she saw Dash she quikly galloped over to her to hud her tight."
and screamed
"Im so glad youre back Rainbow, i was worried!!!"
"I was already working on a spell to..."
Then she noticed me. "AAAAH! RAINBOW LOOK OUT THERE IS A MONKEY NEXT TO YOU!!!"
"Were?, i don't see him?" "I knew dash knew Twilight ment me but, she tried to spare my feeling".
"What, monkey?" i said a little bit angry
"RD who and what is this?!?!"
"His name is Jake, He saved my life two times, and he is a human.
"Twilight was speachless."
"When we explained the whole story to her, it was quiet for a moment."
............................................
"Sooo you're from another dimention were highly developed apes rule the planet were you saved Rainbow Dash from a croud of dangerous poeple that treid to harm her then escaped to you're house fel alseep ended up in everfree were it turned out the gravity is at a much lower level so Jake jumped 10 meters in the air then a manticore out of nowere attacked you AND JAKE DESTROYED IT WITH ONE HARD PUNCH?" Twilight rattled
".........Eeyup". i sayed
"Well, i might know how you destroyed the manticore in one punch."
"How?" we both asked
"Well seeing the gravity level is much lower here you....Humans...Had to learn to live under harder circumstances and pressure then we did, and seeing you lived on earth for ages i say you are somehow 15 times stronger than the average pony.
".......15 times? I'm 15 times stronger?"
"Yep"
"Well ,Twilight started, Were shoud we begin?"
"Introducing you to the town, running scientific research on you, telling more about you're life as a human?"
"Well... let's first get some sleep cuz im tired."
"Yea me to Dash sayed with a smile."
"We both slep at the same room, i saw Rainbow Dash was Shivering, She looked at me with her big beautiful rose coloured eyes."
"Dash what's up are you cold?"
"She nodded slowly, Mind if i sleep in you're bed...... with you." she sayed.
"S-sure, i blushed."I helped her stand, i carried her to my bed."
"It was easy to carry her seeing she was just as big as me and i was a sort of super hero."
"She tugged in next to me".
"I felt her warm breath in my chest, her body press agains mine i blushed heavily."
"She did to."
"mind...mind to hold me?" im very cold."
"A-alright."
"I slung my arms around her and held the tight, after 5 minutes of watching eachother in the eyes and blushing heavily (both). We fel asleep."
"I woke up after several houres, to see a cute sleeping Rainbowdash face."
"I stroke her mane for what was it? Half an hour?"
"She woke up to see my smiling face."
"Hiyaa sleepyhead."
"Her eyes opened again to meet my dark brown eyes."
"We stood up at breakfast." "What now? I asked Twilight and Dash".
"Well You could tell us about you?"
"Alright then, wel my name is jake Talon, im 15 years old, i go to school, i have got one good fiend, my parents dont care about, me i get bullied i fight a lot, and i like kickboxing.
"My life.......my life is just a piece of crap."
..................................................
"It was quiet for a moment."
"I looked down." "You're life is hard, isn't it?........ Dash asked." "Yea, i always thought it was going to end with me hanging myself."
"Thats... very very sad." Twi sayed
"You know Twi. We Humans know alot more about you ponies than you think."
"Huh?"
"Well you see, i looked to Rainbow dash who looked to Twi who looked back at me."
"Well,...we Humans......created you...all of you and all the things as you know it."
"We know everything about you, you are all in a show called: My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic
"We created you for our entertainment, but we didn't know you really existed in another dimention".
"We know you as moving pictures on a screen". (I then realized my ipod was still in my pocket, and on the ipod were a few episodes of mlp fim).
"I dont belive you." Twilight sayed
"Here i'l show ya!"
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579980 Thanks i try hard
580172
Did not realize that English was not your first language.
That probability explains a few things, ether way your story is good.
580181 Alright, just read your entire story. I really like the concept of it, it's good and all but:
1. Your chapters are very short. Try to stretch things out more.
2. You need an english editor. Then, they could go through and make sure you spell everything right.
3. You are making things way too easy for Jake. Make him have some challenges. The manticore? I mean, you could've made that fight a little longer.
4. You use the "" marks on everything. That is not correct, but I can help, if you want.
I can be your editor, and help you with your story, no problem! Just let me know if you want me to.
580345 no, i don't change your story. Just the grammar. and spelling. and punctuation. That's all!
You write, but i edit. I understand if you still say no though!
580350 hey thats a pretty good idea!!!
YEA AlRIGHT!
580357
alright
so, before you go and publish your next chapter, you send it to me in a private message. I edit the spelling and other stuff, then I send it back to you. Then, you post it!
580304 i was planning an obstacle for him but good thinking
580366 ok
just send it to me when your ready
580363 okay i just finshed it so how do i put it in a private message?
580363 sry im new here
580397 alright, i can kinda explain
580397 what you have to do is click my name. Then, look for the envelope button. Click it, and it should show up.
580402 have you received it???
580417 yes
Epic story. You should make it so he finds a 2nd guy that is in to fluttershy and is shy him self
580432 sry but i already wrote hes smart and likes hanging out with Twi
but im waiting for my new awesome editotor to get out the grammer mistakes
sry
Does any one else see a big gap
580304>>580828
If you want, I could help you guys with proofreading then pass it back to somedude or Faintfox(whether you're editing or not). If you want.
580304>>580828
If you want, I could help you guys with proofreading then pass it back to somedude or Faintfox(whether you're editing or not). If you want.
580304
580828
If you want, I could help you guys with proofreading then pass it back to somedude or Faintfox(whether you're editing or not). If you want.
580304
580828
If you want, I could help you guys with proofreading then pass it back to somedude or Faintfox(whether you're editing or not). If you want.