John Bilik is a soon to be recruit for the service, one who's addicted to both nicotine and combat training. But what happens when you mix curiosity and magical anomalies? A new world with new dangers and love.
The re-edit is up, sorry for being to hasty getting it out in the first place.
I know the description is a bit hasty and cliche, but trust me. The story is worth the read.
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I've so many
weirdperfectly justifiable criticisms of this I couldn't really read it. Instead of just leaving a dislike I'd thought id point out a few..... the console in his car is full of toothbrushes? This is really weird.
I was disappointed combat training was never mentioned again . Especially since he's addicted to it.
It's just a can of pop dude, hardly a terrible habit.
How exactly is it appropriate ? Irregardless of somehow being coherent enough to think in scripture immediately on waking up at 3:16. So his watch is wrong.
also its john 3;16 is "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."
Revelation 22:13 is "I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End."
calling it the Thing this just makes me think of john Carpenter's the thing and it is literally growing three extra feet as in the things with toes. You dont say three feet taller or otherwise describe it getting any bigger , so i'll just presume this is what you meant.
I like to think this happens all the time in America , you see a flash of light and all abandon your cars , grabbing your guns and knives and running off into the forest .
5741595
>Irregardless of somehow
>Irregardless
>Irregardless!
5741595 I'll definitely be doing some editing tomorrow. Thanks for the help
I'm not a romance person but it is a good one so it gets a like.
5741595
Almost right we would also grab our bibles and tin foil hats
5741595 Alright I was half asleep when I was talking about editing, but I meant it. The caffeine and soda was originally nicotine and cigarettes. I changed it due to some people in my house (aka parents) were gonna see it and flip shit. But fuck it I'll be 18 in a few months anyway lol. I got confused on the scripture because of Fallout, and I did add more of the whole combat training in. I really need an editor for this kinda thing
5749298
Haha , well its always good to go back and re-read things. If I was writing i'd want people to be as harsh as possible so I could see what didn't make sense / could be improved.
But I understand when people can get bit upset when I just spew forth a dump of un-requested criticisms sometimes
Send me a PM if you write something new I'd be happy to give my opinion/help.
I just ran across this randomly while looking at a bunch of new stories. I don't generally read Anthro stuff, but thought I'd give it a go. I'll be honest, it didn't convert me. I think the main problem I had was with John himself. He's ridiculously capable -- come on, very nearly taking out eleven Timberwolves on his own? Okay, he was armed, but he does still come across as way overpowered. His language is also weird -- he mostly speaks in a fairly straightforward, "look how tough I am" way, then drops in old-fashioned words like "mayhap" and "lest" for no obvious reason. It's seriously distracting for the reader.
The characterisation seemed a bit off, too: there's no [Alternate Universe] tag here, so I'd expect the Mane Six to behave roughly as they do in canon. Fluttershy telling Twilight to go away and never come back? Sorry, I don't buy that. And healing magic doesn't really seem to exist in Equestria (Twilight couldn't even heal a paper cut in "It's About Time") so how did Twi fix a much worse leg injury here? The bit about Scootaloo was bizarrely out of nowhere, as well. Finally, it desperately needs proofreading: there aren't a huge number of typos, but the ones that are there are horribly distracting. For example, the plural of "iris" should be "irises", while it's "torture", not "tourcher".
Looking back, I can see that you've written several stories in the past which have received better (in some cases much better) vote scores, so maybe this was just a one-off mis-step. We've all had those at one time or another. But sadly this fic just has too many problems for me to be able to take it seriously.
5758293 As I've said in the past I seriously need an editor that knows what they are doing. Or at least a proofreader. All I usually have to go off of is negative feedback if I mess up and I need an editor so I don't have to get that in the first place
5758647 Yeah, that's definitely a good plan. Good luck!
5759381 Thanks