Nothing said should ever be taken at face value. Unless it's from the Lord.
Twilight wakes up from a nightmare to find two young foals on her door step. Turns out they're changeling hybrids and the kids of Sombra and Chrysalis.
First book please don't criticize too badly. Criticism welcome to an extent.
Would appreciate it is someone made some better cover art for us.
Current cover art by: Users: Theta Myxer & Omicron Pyxel
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I really like the whole idea. It's pretty neat.
However, since you wanted honest criticism: for the first two paragraphs, it would be better if you wrote it normally, with those " " marks to show dialogue. It's kinda weird that you just switch after the third paragraph.
Also, there should be a little more, I don't know, disbelief from Twilight. These foals are the children of Chrysalis and Sombra, two dastardly villains that she has fought before. Yes, they're only foals, but from Twilight's perspective she doesn't actually know if they can be trusted, or if they are foals at all, since I wouldn't put it past Chrysalis/Sombra to take advantage of Twilight's maternal instincts to attack her.
Also...why would Twilight and Spike be having dreams, unless Chrysalis/Sombra cast a spell to give them dreams to...prepare them for the foals? Kinda weird.
But still, it's really a good premise! Please update! :)
I have one question: Is this supposed to be serious?
Because if it's not comedy, you need at least some work on how quickly things are accepted by Twilight, and to rephrase that description. It would also help to get a different cover art that doesn't involve good ol' Nyx.
Curious...will Chrysalis be explored more? From her letter, it seems like she really cares as a mother, but accepts that Nyx and Myx would have a much better life with Twilight and so gives them to her. Please tell me Chrysalis will show up later...
I think that this is very good. I think the only major thing you need to change is what North had said, make sure to put quotation marks (" ") around everything, instead of just explaining what they said. Otherwise, I loved it! Looking forward to the next chapter!
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She might...
"North" and "Derp in the Box":
"I did my best but it wasn't quite there."
"Derp in the Box" judging by the name and profile picture you should be able to understand this comment/quote
"Wanderer D", I will work on that.
Neat concept and it sounds like a good start can't wait to read what's next.
's
10/10
OK. I was just about to ask if you could post the song actually, I'm very curious what the actual lyrics are. But if they could be copyrighted, I guess I understand.
I see the other comments saying Twilight should be a little more denying against this idea. Personally, I can see her taking them inside so they don't wake up the whole town, but otherwise I can agree with those comments. May I make a suggestion to fix that?
Perhaps Twilight can be just in shock after she takes Myx and Nix inside so by accident Spike has to take care of them by himself for the night. Eventually the shock transitions into denial, and she's willing to help Spike care for the two but only because she's helping Spike.
By about this time Chrysalis is to the point she appears to Twilight in person and tells her to straighten out. NOW Twilight believes the letter.
Something like that anyway. I can see a storyline like this fitting Twilight's character a little better. Does this help at all?
5785488 Yeah, I can see those things helping out. I agree, and my thoughts in my other comment.
Queen Chrysalis is good and <3 Sombra Somber
Pass it on
>>PL4SM0D1UM
Dude or dude-ette, I think she's a bit more understanding than that.
BTW if you listen to the song in the youtube video over and over again you'll eventually be able to figure out the words, I was about to post the words the i remembered no copywritten materia.
>>North
North, You're only human so I wouldn't put it past you to wonder If they are just transfomations
Hint: Stay tuned for "chapter 3: They all gather"
Are you updating anytime soon?
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fnaf I update after the chapter after the next update is compleate
5890059 Ok, thanks for Letting me know.
>>PL4SM0D1UM
I see what you are saying but to me this seemed like a logical path of story-line considering in the "fimfic" "Past Sins" By Pen Stroke, Twilight actually cared for Nyx when she was taking care of her. And yes, I can see how I'm rushing said reaction, but I have my reasons. This is only the beginning of the beginning. I say that to say this: Be careful what you guys comment I may just decide that if 'nopony' likes it I can easily remove it until its finished.
6003817 I can respect that you have your reasons.
Also, I'm glad to hear you plan more work on this! I see a lot of potential here, and I'm very intrigued to see where this goes!
5856338 Dude. Thank you for asking, and thanks for listening. I guess that would make Twilight just a tad harsh, but I dunno. These are, after all, the children of none other than the two fiends that had quite directly attacked her kingdom not to mention her friends, her brother, and everything and everypony else she knows and loves. I'm trying to be a little reasonable here. And thanks for the info with the vid. I'll look into that!
I'm sorry if I seem a little overcalculating at times. It's a habit. I take my writing hobby/career/thing much too seriously, and I love to express my thoughts about others' works. Especially when others give the work in question a bad rap. I have this belief that I must do my part to make this world a better place, not just by contributing my own works but by helping others make their work even better. Then can the world truly be the place I want it to be. I dunno, something flowery along those lines. *shrug* ask my subconscious.
Overall, I hope no hard feelings.
I am a big fan of this fic, and I'm definitely going to keep up to date on it. Thanks for being an awesome writer!
>>PL4SM0D1UM
Thank you for your comment. I can see why you want the world to be a better place, I do too, it's just... It's not going to be easy if you know what I mean. I'm sorry to anyone else reading this but I'm going to slow progress on this book to collaborate with someone on another book. no spoilers but if you like halo it should ring a bell
6003817 I understand that this is based on Past Sins, it was clear as soon as I read the description, but I think you should try to make it less obvious. The cover art is of Nyx and not to mwntion how similarw those names are. At one point you even typed Nyx instead of Nix. So far it's good, but how similar they are is kind of putting me off.
6051177
I'm going to say this once and only once SadisticRainbows: "UP AGAINST THE WALL." It is based off of a re-occurring dream and I'll not stand for that kind of hate. If anypony ever says it's based off of past sins again I... I... I think I'm gonna loose it!
i didn't even read Past Sins until a couple weeks ago.
6051177 and Ears, stop bickering.
Sadistic, i had to introduce him to Past Sins, he was unaware of the fanfiction; so don't hate on him because he didn't know that Nyx was an already used character. Sure he can be un-knowing at times, but he ment no harm to Past Sin's author or fic. So please back off like the scared dog you are and shut your pie hole. Thank you for your time.
Ears, you tell me to forget and egnore. Take some of your own advice and keep writing your fantastically fantastical fanfiction, and egnore the dogs hiding their tails between their legs who are trying to act like they know what is best. There will always be haters, you just gotta egnore them and write your peice of work. Just shove them out of the way and keep climbing to the top of this bump in the road. All authors have to deal with haters, dont let a hand full get to you once you find many more who love this. Frankly best book i have pre-read and edited. There's one, many more will follow.
To everyone else, show Ears that he should continue writing this wonderful book by likeing this comment, if you dont think he should, dislike. Aswell take note from this and ask yourself, "would i let a handful of haters get in the way of my passion for writing?" Of the billions of people on earth, your gonna let a handfull of them get in the way? Not likely.
In conclusion,
Sadistic, he knows and don't care, so go bug someone else.
Ears, dont let a handfull drag you down cause there are many more who will pull you up; me being one.
Everyone else, like this comment to show that you want this fic to continue. Dislike this comment if you think it should stay canceled.
6072152
[Sniffle]... You're right. But practice what you preach. Other than that, you're still alright in my book. Hopefully next time this repetitive dream comes I'll see you there. I am know where I live to tell my friends I truly have seen them in many of my repetitive dreams.
6074959 dont get all mushy, I get enough of that already from you.
Frankly it is rather annoying just like you calling me "ma'am"... so Sir how do you like it... Sir 
.
ok I am done good Sir... or am I, riddle me that Sir
!
Hehehe
6075885 You're worse than
your friendly neighborhood party pone.
And that's not mushy, that's not even emotional (yet).
Did you cancel this?!
Please tell me this isn't canceled.
6097107 are you going to make this story as not cancelled since you are making more chapters for this story
6097197 Yes, yes I did. Sorry, Joey.
6097212 No, I just added those because those were complete chapters i already had written and Tinted Dawn edited.
6097429 ok and is they going to be more chapters for this story or not
6097433 I don't know it depends on if i find myself have the dream recur again or not, and if I find meaning in writing again.
6097439 ok and i hope you find those things so you can write more chapters for this story
6097444 thank you for your kindness. You give me hope that i will. And you remind me a lot of somepony i met in another dream i think it was Fluttershrill. Or Fluttershy. Or Fluttershout.
6097461 your welcome for my kindness and ok
This actually an interesting story; I hope you in-cancel it sometime.
6098097 You're barking up the wrong tree. Get over the fact that it's gonna be awhile before I get another recurrence of this particular dream. And learn to type while you're waiting.
Very nicely done! I like the story development here!
It's a good thing Blizzard Blast doesn't exist in this context... or Sombra could be in BIG trouble.
Loved the chapter btw, it was very well written!
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I'm going to do a "Raffle" between your user names and the TWO I draw get early access to Ch 6 via Google Docs.
Stipulations:
1.) Create a Google account, under your username of FimFiction.net, in which to use as the docs viewer.
2.) Be ready in the next two days to see the winners in my blog.
6333270 i don't want to be in the raffle sorry
6333305 why
to tell the truth... I was going to rig it any way
6333516 because i really don't want too
6333517 It's alright
5818229 What about you?
6333527 okay
6333534 One more thing... I had it rig so you'd be one of the two.
6333546 okay
thank for you doing this for me and i like it
6333811 can I interest you in letting you edit my story? Considering my current editor is either too busy with her own book or too busy with an anime convention, I really need some help in this area. Also, I just want to know if you think the quality of my work has gone down any.