Princess Luna is the best princess and Nightmare Moon is the best queen.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Second to last paragraph first word should be Twilight, not Fluttershy.
The constant "she said" and "she replied " felt somewhat repetitive. You might want adjust that.
-one of those situations that Fluttershy really wished that she wished that she wasn't in- (one of those situations that Fluttershy really wished that she wasn't in)
-they finally arrive at the boutique- arrived
-before she can just relax- could
-Fluttershy knows how Rarity can be when it comes to fixing supper, that she likes for- knew, could, came, liked respectively
-and it is still raining hard, the lightning is still flashing, the thunder is loud- replace "is" with "was"
-could do is hope that- replace "is" with "was"
- While Rarity tends to sleep-tended
- Fluttershy prefers to sleep-preferred
- of rain tends to make her-tended
- but Rarity tends to be a heavy-tended
- how Fluttershy gets when it is dark- got
-see that she does love her- did
You repeated some lines and Rarity kept saying "Fluttershy darling". Spice things up a bit.
This is really quite good so far. This is the first Rarity and Fluttershy story I have read, and I'm impressed so far. Well done in making this interesting, you captured the characters really well.
If I downed a shot for every "supper" in this chapter I'd be completely shit-faced less than half way through.
7833418
Agreed